Don't know who I am anymore

[uselesss]

Didn't even know where to post. Needed a mind clear, too much thick fog in my head tonight. A lot going on, at times too much for me to handle. Then it clicked that i might well be struggling to cope because I'm not happy with any aspect of my life except my child. And all the stupid & immature decisions I made as a teenager led me here. I'm not talking dramatic, I'm talking stupid. Too much time spent worrying about all the wrong things and wasting opportunities brought me here. Married to someone I only seem to see as a friend now, feeling trapped and lonely and like a complete failure for wasting my bloody life. But I'm trapped. Unless I choose again to make life changing decisions that affect so many more than me. Unless I decide to uproot my life with everything hanging in the balance and barely a penny to my name. I'm here because I made the wrong decisions then. And it only affected me. How can I possibly be trusted to make decisions that determine the rest of my child's life, when all signs point to "DON'T!" I'd rather be unhappy and stuck and try and give my child and husband the best I've got than break any hearts or rip apart a family. But I don't know if I can make it the rest of my life without ruining theirs anyway. I just don't know what's best for anyone anymore. Utterly useless and utterly lost.

Tread water for a bit. Don't feel you have to make any decisions as yet. You have not wasted your life so far, whatever experiences and decisions you have made have each taught you something which will be of value in your future.

What's your situation, OP? What do you want to change?

I regret stupid decisions I made as a teenager. I think my life could have been much, much better if I had made better choices. Then again, it could also be much worse. I think it's common for people to feel like that.

Do you have good days and bad days? Or do you feel like this all the time?

Honestly? I feel like it all the time. I feel like every day is a lie because I've made my bed, which is true.
I've always had low self esteem and body hatred and was bullied a lot. Which meant I cared far more about trying to get people to like me, trying to fit in, trying to get the boys I liked interested. At that age my whole life was ahead of me and I didn't realise the impact it would have later. I dropped out of college because I was too focused on someone breaking my heart and just started admin jobs, floating in my life not knowing who I was or what I liked. Having no real self worth? When my husband was nice to me, even though I wasn't overly attracted to him, I liked him. He was a good friend. But then he got intense and fell in love and I fell in love with how he treated me and seemed to worship me. He seemed like he was a sturdy guy. We overdid our relationship spent way too much time together and rented a house with no money. Once we moved in I felt things went downhill- he was childish, lazy, slobbish, spend happy and had an addiction I didn't realise he was so dependent on. It took its toll but I had nowhere to go and stuck with it thinking he would improve. It didn't really, but he made me laugh and I felt like he was a good friend. But I didn't see it lasting. Then he proposed. And I was shocked. It was romantic, heart felt and completely out of the blue. And I didn't have the heart or courage to say no. I didn't want to hurt him. It sounds daft but I couldn't look at his face on bended knee with a family ring and say "no". Coward. And the rest plus is history. He's never changed his bad habits or really taken any responsibility gif dragging us into this situation with his poor money management and whenever I tried to take the reins he would yank them back. I work full time, I look after our child I clean I cook I do everything. Except the bins, he does the bins when asked.. and we are now £10's of £1000's in debt, with nothing to our name and no future. And when I trace it all back it takes me to when I dropped out of college because of a boy. Because I didn't have that courage and confidence to take care of myself and my own life. It's all my fault we're here in this mess because I let it happen. And I can't decide if I should try and make a better life alone (how with all this debt I don't know) or if I should accept that this is my life and make what I can of it. I don't find him attractive physically and his personality and attitude are more than a turn off. But it's not fair for him to not be loved the way he should be, but if he knew this he'd be crushed. I don't want to crush him. I'm just lost.

It's all my fault we're here in this mess because I let it happen.

This jumped out at me. "It's all MY fault WE'RE here in this mess..."

Life is all about choices. You're focusing on one seemingly unfortunate choice many years ago for your current situation but life doesn't work like that, you can change direction at any time and make different choices. Will they be the right ones? Who knows - but you do have them.

Your husband is 50% responsible (at least) for your financial problems, he is also responsible for caring for your son, cleaning, cooking and doing all the 'life' stuff. If he won't accept that responsibility then you have to look at the option of separating. There's no debtors jail in the UK - but there is lots of help and advice from the many, many people who've been exactly in your situation.

But it's not fair for him to not be loved the way he should be, but if he knew this he'd be crushed. I don't want to crush him.

So why is it fair that you aren't being loved, cherished, cared for and respected in the way you should be?

I'd ask MN to move your post to Relationships as you will get masses of great advice there.

Oh OP, you are being far too hard on yourself.

You say you can pinpoint it all going wrong to when you dropped out of college because of a boy. Well, unfortunately, that situation is really bloody common. It happens a lot. Hopefully society is changing and that won't happen so much in the future, but you're certainly not alone - it happens, and it's in the past.

You say you've got a child? Well that's one good thing to come out of that relationship.

Obviously I don't know all the details, but your DH doesn't sound great. If I were you I'd be inclined to split, and get a fresh start. You need some good advice about your debt and how best to tackle that - hopefully somebody can point you in the direction of the government debt management scheme - I can't remember the name.

This could be a whole new fresh start for you and your DC.

Xxxx

How are you doing @uselesss? xXx

Have you thought about counselling? I have been getting myself in a cycle of negative thinking including huge regrets about past decisions and fear of the future. I’ve been doing therapy and I’m beginning to make better sense of it all. If you are ruminating on the past and feeling panicky it may help you to talk to someone to help you move forward. Sorry you are feeling like this and be kind to yourself. Imagine you were a friend and how less judgemental and kind you would be to yourself. Also most people make loads of decisions they regret. I know I have! We just need to hold on to that George Elliot quote’ It’s never too late to be who you could have been. ‘ You can sort this all out. You could be in a totally different place in a few years. Although I do understand how impossible it all feels now. Sending strength @uselesss.