Can I give up

[PointlessLife11]

Dh downstairs. Kids at school, university. I have been physically poorly for over five weeks now. Spent time in hospital and the rest in bed. Things not great between dh and I. Not even hugging at the moment. Can't do anything physical but not bothered. Miss a hug. A few days ago I wanted to leave but too poorly. Today I just can't be bothered anymore. Dh doesn't want to split. I sometimes think I do. We've been through some really tough times, some both (miscarriage, child being ill) and some individually but we have been there for each other and been strong. Eventually. Now I just want to give up. My whole life has been a battle with people treating me badly and I just can't be bothered to justify being here anymore. No one to talk to as friends are busy or I don't want to bother them or tell them stuff they don't know. Supposed to see doctor this week but receptionist said no. Don't see the point anyway. I just want a hug and a kind word and peace and permission. Just feel sad I was never wanted and I still can't do what I want because of others.

sending a hug and a hand hold. (Sorry - don't know how to attach emogis) You must try and find someone you can talk to about this. Are you recovered (even a bit) from what you were in hospital for? If your DH doesn't want to split ask for some support there. life is a bitch sometimes and everything seems to come at once, but try to stay strong for your children. What would you have liked to do, that you can't do because of others?
Start with a small thing, or a small chunk of time. Set yourself a little task/thing to do in that time and reward yourself when you've achieved it.

The answer is no because you do have folks who care, despite it not seeming so ❤️ You seem to be very depressed and not surprising given the knocks you've had and any stint in hospital can enhance on a low state. Can you phone the Samaritans? There is no judgment there and they will listen, you sound as if you really need someone who is not too close to talk to about how & what is bringing you down. Call 116123 for a chat ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank you.

Dh has gone out for 2.5 hours. All I thought was you don't even know it's not safe to leave me. I messaged a friend just saying hello how are you but they haven't replied. I'm so unhappy. I don't want to carry on. I wasn't really wanted from day one so why keep fighting to be here ?

Permission denied.

I don't think giving up is the answer to the problems you've just described.

Can you call your husband and tell him?

Thank you

Obviously I haven't posted all the reasons. Would genuinely be outing and I can't cope with anyone in real life knowing. I tried to tell a friend how bad I felt but they didn't get it/ignored. Have messaged dh. When he reads it he is going to freak out or get angry

Hope your husband is back and you were able to talk to him about how you feel. If he doesn't listen, seek some help elsewhere? GP? Samaritans?

How are you feeling?
I understand.
You can’t leave your children. They might be growing up but they will always need you.
They are your babies even when they’re grown.
I’m sending you the biggest virtual hug ever.
My arms are wrapping around you and I’m squeezing you tight and you can cry and just let it out, it’s ok. I wish I could hug you in real life.
I promise you it can get better.
If you’re not happy, leave. Easier said than done but it’s worth it.
This might not be very helpful but it’s changed my view along with time.
One day, we will all have to leave this earth, there is no alternative, it’s going to happen.
So even on the worst days I will find something to enjoy. Whether that’s time spent with my children, a walk along the beach, something I like to eat, a cup of coffee, something on the tv or even just going to sleep at night because let’s face it, on the very worst days, that’s probably the only thing to look forward to.
But nothing lasts forever even when it feels like it will never end and it might take a month, a year or many years but eventually you’ll be able to look back and feel so glad that you made it through this time.

Hugs from me too. So many people get dealt a rubbish hand in life where they end up never cherished as they should be - it's no reflection of their worth though, and the same can be said for you. You are valuable just for who you are, and beyond that you're also needed for the role you play in the lives of your family.

The toll being ill takes on one's mental state is often underestimated. These last five weeks must have wreaked havoc on your emotional health and general energy/motivation for life. Don't give in to it, it's a transient state in the long run.

Are there any little things that have brought you joy in the past? A nice meal/snack or drink that could be rustled up or ordered in for tomorrow? A TV box set or audiobook to get stuck into. Anything to help you pass these horrible bleak moments. I've been watching old episodes of Portrait Artist of the Year - it's pleasant and peaceful.

Still unwell. I appreciate your messages. I am struggling emotionally as well as physically. Just feels like it will never end as I have been here so many times before.

@PointlessLife11

Still unwell. I appreciate your messages. I am struggling emotionally as well as physically. Just feels like it will never end as I have been here so many times before.

I know, as many here do. Just now I am going through something so many layered and horrible I cannot start to share it as that would mean facing it. One of the worst im many decades t

It is the everyday needs that save and hold us. Small tiny beauties

Hold on half an hour at a time; that idea got me through some bad times
Closing down here but praying

It’s crap having to struggle through just to want to live. I’m sorry you have to fight so hard.
Sorry if this sounds really, well I don’t know, perhaps patronising. I don’t mean it to.
But if you’ve never thought about it this way then how about trying to re-frame it?
Instead of “I’ve been here so many times before that things will never feel better” try “I’ve been here so many times before and I’ve made it through each and every time and I’m still here, I’m stronger than I think I am”
Especially as you sound like you have done that largely alone if not entirely.
I’ve just discovered a really great new series on Amazon prime if you want a tv distraction and it’s your thing, it’s called hunted and is fantastic!
It’s about people trying to go on the run for 28 days without getting caught!

Thinking about I've come through it before too many times really helps. Thank you. It is harder this time as things have changed but I just have to breathe as I can't leave my children without a mum. It's not them I want to leave, run away from .

You’re welcome, I wish I could say more to make things feel better for you but I can’t. It’s a shit place to be when you have to live even though you don’t want to.
It can get better though I promise. You will get to a place where you want to live and not just have to even after being there many times. I tell you that from personal experience and wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. I don’t see a point to saying things just to make people feel better if they’re not true.
I don’t like it when people say it would be selfish to leave your family because I don’t think suicide is an easy option at all but it would be incredibly tragic for your children to loose their mum and it would change their entire lives. In a very low place it’s easy to feel like they would maybe be better without you but I promise you that your babies will always always need you.
How did things go with talking to your husband about how you’ve been feeling? I hope he was kind and understanding.

I have been reading more of my book on surviving anxiety guide. It has been helpful and reassuring but the bit I have got to now just makes me want to stop living tbh.

That sounds like an interesting read, what bit are you at now?

How to survive the end of the world (when it's in your own head) by Aaron Gillies. I've reread my last page I'd read and it bares no relation to what I remember. Dh has had years of me saying I don't want to live. I want to die. It's not that I want to die but I want the pain to stop. I'm only here because of the children. I resent I have to live. I wasn't wanted and then lots of crap stuff happened so why I'm I fighting to stay in a world that doesn't want me. I'm just so sad. It isn't fair. I did nothing wrong. It's taken 49 years to realise it isn't my fault I was born a girl and yet part me wonders if things would have been different but then I think about who my parents are and no it wouldn't. They were are and always would have been no good I'm just so sad.

That does sound really interesting to read!
I can relate so very much, and I promise you that from an outside perspective it wasn’t your fault at all. It’s harder to believe that for ourselves though isn’t it?
Sometimes our children are all we have in the world to keep us going but isn’t that the best reason?
I’d hate to loose any part of time with my children but I also like to think about things I’d be sad to never experience again for myself like beautiful walks, stars in the sky at night, how the clouds look when it’s a sunny day, listening to the sea, rain on the window, how grass feels on my feet etc.
Then things like how coffee tastes and smells, how chocolate tastes and melts, listening to my favourite songs, reading something interesting, watching things on tv.
I honestly think it’s the little things that make life, what little big things do you like?
I think that’s it 99% of the time. If we could leave all the pain in a box and never have to feel it or re-live it again that would be amazing but it just doesn’t work like that.
Have you ever thought about any sort of therapy? It’s worth a go if not and if that’s not your thing maybe writing could help?
It’s not fair. I think it’s important to accept that. It wasn’t fair but it wasn’t your fault.
Every day we spend letting them affect our lives negatively is another day we’ve lost because of them! You are in control of your own body and mind now.
That sadness is the worst, I really do wish I could give you a hug. What are 3 things today that have made you less sad? Even for a brief moment?

I just wish I could go. I resent I can't. My dog won't sit on the bed with me for more than a minute. Last time I was in bed for a fortnight she spent most of the day with me. This time I had been in hospital for a week and I got a lovely welcome but now I've been in bed two weeks and she isn't bothered. I think I was less sad when dh made me a milkshake. I want to talk to my friend but they haven't replied to a message I sent this morning.

How are you feeling @PointlessLife11? Sorry I didn’t reply to the last message sooner.

Thank you @SolitaryTree. I am relieved I didn't take my life last week. I am a bit worried that if my friend can't talk to me today then I'll spiral. I know I am too reliant on them. They make me feel really good but I also get very upset at times as they can't or won't always give me what I need and want. Sometimes they are amazing and other times I feel physical pain.
I am hoping to have time to read my new book today. Small aim but I think a good one.

Thanks again .

I’m so pleased to hear that!
I’m glad you’re feeling more positive than you were last week. That’s great that you can recognise what might make you feel worse again. Is there anything else that makes you feel good that you put in place to do aswell as speaking to your friend? Then that way maybe if they are busy with other things at any time you still have something nice to look forward to? I tend to write when I need to get things out, it really helps!
That’s a great aim! What book are you reading at the moment?
I don’t read physical books as much as I’d like to although I read allot online and listen to audiobooks but reading a physical book is such a nice thing to do, I don’t know about you but I get so lost in them it’s like I’m not in this reality for a while!

I want to start the book called The Only Plane In The Sky. It is about 9/11. I also read a lot of James Patterson.

I have started sending myself emails as if I was my friend. It hasn't worked 100%, hasn't stopped me doing stupid stuff or feeling upset, but it helps a bit and can't be a bad thing. I used to write a lot before I was ill, bogged down with all the family stuff, exhausted, so it will be nice if I can use this as a way of getting back in to it.

Have you tried antidepressants?
Do you need hrt?