DD is self harming again

[Littlek0406]

DD 13 has a rough year bereavement, sending explicit pictures to man, who grooming her, self harming cutting her thighs.
I got her in to see a trauma counsellor after I found out about the pictures & self harming & she’s was doing really well. Until Thursday ( we do a week with me & a week in her dad’s) she was in dad’s.
So she’s found a sharper at school & broke it to get blade then waited all day till she was at her dad’s to cut herself.
I’m so worried about her, I don’t what to do, she’s said she’s hates herself.

Oh OP.. I am sending you lots of love, this is horrible. Maybe, try to remind her of a time she felt loved by looking at old pictures with her, or making her favorite cake, going to her favorite place when she was younger. Basically, linking her back to some good memories. I think of you both.

OP, I don't know if I have any words of comfort, but I understand. DD (16) is going through the same (and worse - she took an overdose this week at a level that would have most certainly killed her had I not accidentally wakened her).

Can you discuss with your DD what the trigger was for the latest cutting incident?

I don't know if this sounds trite and not helpful but would she be happy to listen to audible books via a headphone which will help her to not focus on her thoughts in a different way to music. Also watching foreign tv with subtitles helps to shift focus on reading and not allowing you to drift off as much to your thoughts.

Also what medication is she taking regularly as many can cause negative thoughts.

It's a fairly common ish yet alarming phase but many teens just suddenly grow out of it. It's hard to stop them though sadly but just being there and supportive and non judgmental is all you can you do really sometimes

She waited to do it at her dads though. Is there any particular reason for that. What's their history. That does ring alarm bells for all sorts of reasons. Do you know her triggers. Do you know when and why she started it.

It must be so hard for you as a mother, Littlek.

Thirteen seems terribly young to be self harming, and the other things over the past year. She must be in pain.

Your daughter waited to be at her dad's to self harm; I wonder if she does not receive much attention from him and craves it. No doubt she sees other girls who have loving relationships with their fathers and hers is a contrast. This is just an idea but it sort of ties in with her sending explicit photographs to men; she needs to be noticed and wanted and looks for it in the wrong places.

What does 'dad' say about his daughter and her self harming? Do they do much together when she is there or does she just eat and they sit in front of the TV during the evening? It's worth trying to find out.

I am sure you are very loving but you cannot be expected to make up the deficit if her dad is indifferent. When a child doesn't have a father in their life, they don't have expectations but she does.

These are just my thoughts and I know I could be way off the mark here.

If she hates herself, she needs a morale boost and to realise that she is a person as worthy as anyone else. It's a horrible feeling if you always believe you are inferior.

I hope things improve; at 13 there is time to repair any damage and to move on to better things. I think she needs in-depth, expert professional counselling to gradually tease out her feelings about all her issues and get to the root cause.

@Plumtree391She only started staying with her dad in May, as she said our house is too sad a few months my twin her auntie had died. There’s 2 other children both young & both with different mum’s.
His take on it, is why she’s doing, she’s got all everything & rational person wouldn’t be doing this

She’s gone to school today, luckily enough I’ve just started work in children’s hospital so I’m going in this morning to try & speak someone because more help than she’s currently getting.

Thank you all for kind messages x

Thinking of you op and your dd.💐💐💐💐

The death of her aunt may have affected your daughter more than you think; I'm sorry for you too, it must be horrible to lose a sibling who must have been quite young.

@NigellaAwesome I’m so sorry you had to go through that & your family. How’s your daughter doing?

@confessionsOfa She isn’t on medication

I wonder if, as her aunty was your twin, it is making her fear ( even subconsciously) that you might also die? That might also be why she is feeling she needs to start staying with her dad.

Does she have the Calm Harm App? That can be helpful.

So what's happening about the man who groomed her. That in itself is very stressful esp if she has to give statements etc. There's probably more to that that she's holding onto internally. I'm guessing her confused feelings about that and plenty of other issues are causing her to want the release of emotions caused by the cutting. The cutting to a self harmer is like a sigh of relief almost. It is most likely to stem from the grooming I would have thought. The chaos of siblings will be a good distraction at her dads but also really scary and quite stressful for them. So that's a tricky situation to navigate in terms of their ability to process and cope with it.

Update - my DD is changing schools & getting all the support that she’s needs!
So fingers crossed no more self harming, I know it’s going to take time but it’s start!

Thank you for all your kinds for messages

That's great, Little.

That’s brilliant news op. I am so pleased for the both of you. 💐💐💐💐