Just want to walk away from everything. Long! Sorry :(

[Oceana]

I don't really know where to put this (or even really why I am writing it - I suppose to say some things that I would never be able to say to anyone in real life). I have a 6 month old baby son. He screamed almost constantly since he was born. I really struggled with him. He prefers being with anyone other than me. I know this sounds like me being paranoid or something but it isn't. Seriously, he would be happier being held by a total stranger. I was BFing him but he would hit me, kick me and scratch at me. I recently stopped because he got his teeth through at 4 months and he started biting me. I was just terrified every time I fed him so I gave up about a week ago. Now I feel like I have no bond at all with him. Before I felt like all I was to him was a feeding machine (and one he didn't particularly like) but now I am not even that.
On top of this, I used to have a wonderful marriage and adored my husband to pieces (we have only been married just over a year - honeymoon baby) but we have just relocated to the other side of the world. I know noone here, my son is screaming nonstop, he is jetlagged, my husband and I are jetlagged, noone is getting any sleep and my husband and I are feeling completely estranged from each other. I was in floods of tears before and he has taken the baby out for a walk for an hour to give me some space. I just want out of it all. I don't think I would be missed. My son wouldn't bat an eyelid. My husband would be upset because it would make his life more difficult. My body has completely changed since having a baby. I am fat and covered in stretchmarks and it doesn't help with him having bloody soft porn magazines like Nuts (urgh!) all over the house (I never had a problem with this before - I laughed at him for being a chav). I don't want to have sex with him. I do it sometimes because I know I have to but it's a chore (again, I never felt like this before). I feel so disconnected from everything. I can't cope. I don't know how people manage being mothers. It seems like total misery to me. I am existing day to day but it's just relentless. I can't tell anyone because I know it all sounds totally self pittying and pathetic but I now completely understand those women who leave their families. It's awful but at the moment I really feel I could do that. I don't want to be a wife and I don't want to be a mother. I am supposed to be all fulfilled and happy aren't I? Bundle of joy and all that. It hsn't been that way for me. I feel like I am in purgatory.

you sound like things are really bad. have you thought that you might have post natal depression? it's very common but there are lots of treatments available..... where are you living? would you consider seeing your doctor / health visitor to talk about how you feel??

Thanks for responding. Yes, I have thought maybe I have PND. I don't know. I just thought it was the stress of moving and all that but maybe it's not. Before I left London the HV did that stupid questionnaire on me and said I had a high score of 17 and that I should contact the GP. I didn't because I was leaving and now I am here (in Australia) I just don't know who to turn to. I feel like such a failure.

Don't know how the medical system works over there but I would register with a doctor and see one asap. Have a look on the internet you shold find one. Also try to find mother and baby groups thay can offer no end of support.

you've had quite an upheaval moving so soon after having a baby and to another country! Good on you for managing to do that!

well, you need to start somewhere.....
if you're not yeet registered with a doctor (or whatever system operates out in aus) then you need to find one asap.... if not to talk about this you'll need one anyway wont you?
is there the equivalent of a health visitor / a baby clinic?
first point of contact you need is a health professional.
i'm not suprised you're fed up, all the stress of moving hto the other side of the world with a difficult to soothe small first baby and all the upheavals of becoming a parent with no familiar support network....
if you were considered high risk for pnd before the move it's quite likely to have tipped you into depression dont you think?
please try and get some help.... it may well really help.
good luck.

oceana - I can completely sympathise with you as I also moved overseas and am now pregnant with my first child and I feel so alone at times. It does sound like you are suffering some form of post natal depression that is being exacerbated by the move. It is such a huge thing to move countries and just because you were looking forward to the move and having a child, doesn't mean that it all is fantastic and wonderful. It takes people years to adjust moving countries and some just don't manage to adjust at all.

I don't think I will adjust to be honest as since the minute I arrived here I started to cry and said that I wanted to go home - that hasn't changed in over 2 years. Only nother 2 years to go until I can go home but I am seriously considering upping and leaving now - I love my husband (ours is also a honeymoon baby) but I don't think he understands what I have given up for him.

I really think you need to go see a GP or a nurse - or even just speak to someone in a similar position in Oz (look at expat websites) otherwise you are not going to feel any better. Also I would get your baby checked out for why he maybe reacts to you so badly - it could be that he is picking up on your vibes of feeling inadequate?

Are there any sites similar to this in Australia? You might be able to meet up with some other mothers locally.

Please see your gp and this might be completely without foundation, but has your son been well since birth? Is he reacting to his feeds? This might explain why he is acting as he did while you were trying to feed him.

Also, and people with more knowlegde than me might be able to help with this one, but isn't cranial manipulation good for crying babies?