How to tell if you’re a good person??

[whatsthepointinwasps]

My work and my family are the two most important things in my life. They are also the two biggest causes of anxiety in my life.
I always get so troubled and distressed when things go wrong in either…… and they often do.
I am wondering if, as I am the connecting factor in two very different and un related areas of my life, if it’s actually me and how I am that’s the problem?
Staying mentally well has always been a struggle for me, I’ve been on a high dose of antidepressants for a long time now and can’t seem to stay stable when I’m off them.
I hate that I get so affected by stuff …. But that’s just the point … what if it’s not ‘stuff like work, family, relationships’ what if it’s just me not being good enough, strong enough, mature enough??

I actually can’t stand the wondering about what’s wrong with me….if I’m mentally unwell, an unstable personality, just totally self absorbed and selfish person?
I wish I knew then I’d know where I was going wrong and how I could put it right

We all go wrong in life all the time.

Seriously, constantly.

People who think they don't go wrong are incorrect and deluded!

Sounds like your mental state is meaning you're getting more caught up in your mistakes this than you should be. Magnifying issues is a classic sign of mental health struggles.

Have you spoken to a counsellor about this?

It's not your fault if you are poorly. You are not selfish or weak or anything to be judged badly for.

Some CBT might help. Have you got any access to therapy?

One thing my therapist repeats often is to ask where your evidence is for thinking something. So where is the evidence you are selfish or immature?

Everyone has things go wrong. Sometimes we screw up. Sometimes other people cause us stress and hassle. It's part of being human. Nobody is perfect.

The fact that you're asking this suggests to me that you are a good person. If you weren't, you wouldn't care about other people.

Agree with pp that you sound caring. That’s why you get sad or frustrated when things go wrong. You want them to be right. You care.

Counselling could help a lot. I love it. Also mindfulness helps me calm right down when I’m in a similar position. I thought it would be a load of bollocks to be honest but it really changes me. I feel like I’ve taken a vodka or something I’m so chilled after. Try it. Just 20mins is enough. There are loads online. Try a few til you find one you like and do it a few times a week to help you balance and process stuff better.

Thank you to those that have replied.

I am currently on a waiting list to start counselling.
I tried CBT before and it was ok at first but you had to answer all the questions/do the exercises in order and not move on till you’d completed the previous one - I remember one of the questions was ‘write down 5 good things about yourself’ and I couldn’t go on after that as I couldn’t think of 5.

Sometimes I feel like a kettle at boiling point, my mood is really low and everything feels hopeless then it either overflows or simmers down…. Then I can move on.
I definitely do magnify the bad over the good but I often worry that when I am focusing on the good that I am just kidding myself, that everyone else just copes with stuff, doesn’t make a big deal of managing.

Of course you are a good person OP. Good people are the majority. All good people make decisions they regret later regarding the welfare of another person because they didn't know the facts perhaps? This does not make you bad just because you misjudged a situation.
Not everyone else copes with stuff. Nobody is perfect.

Ask yourself if you would help someone in distress, ask yourself if you would treat people they way you would like to be treated and you have your answer I think.

Ah that's a classic the five good things. And it's hard. It's basically trying to reprogramme negative thought patterns. It's a good thing though. The other one is five things you are grateful for. And if you can't do 5, start with 3.

There are tons of people every day all around you who will be self critical like this (me included). Thing is, not everyone has an equal ability to cope with what's thrown at them. I beat myself up about not coping with the house or parenting or work...but then I know there are reasons why I find it harder than other people and that it's ok. Eg... Ive got some physical health issues just now so I've had to let house maintenance slide a bit. If I'm comparing myself to others who work less hours or have great health or family support, then it's not fair to myself. Comparison isn't helpful.

You're ok, op. It's ok to admit you're not totally ok and to recognise you're having a hard time. You are not a bad person in any way because of it.

@Mumteedum

Ah that's a classic the five good things. And it's hard. It's basically trying to reprogramme negative thought patterns. It's a good thing though. The other one is five things you are grateful for. And if you can't do 5, start with 3.

There are tons of people every day all around you who will be self critical like this (me included). Thing is, not everyone has an equal ability to cope with what's thrown at them. I beat myself up about not coping with the house or parenting or work...but then I know there are reasons why I find it harder than other people and that it's ok. Eg... Ive got some physical health issues just now so I've had to let house maintenance slide a bit. If I'm comparing myself to others who work less hours or have great health or family support, then it's not fair to myself. Comparison isn't helpful.

You're ok, op. It's ok to admit you're not totally ok and to recognise you're having a hard time. You are not a bad person in any way because of it.

I hear what you are saying. Your last sentence sums it all up excellently

Mumteedum- thank you….. and to the others too., thanks for taking the time and caring enough to respond. I’m very grateful
Poor mental health is a bloody bugger isn’t it!