It's dawned on me I have no friends

[Doglover98]

It's that dreaded birthday time of the year again. I sat in and just went out to go to asda to treat myself to ice cream. I couldn't have a party or go out as who would I invite? I feel as though there's something wrong with me I always struggle to make and maintain friendships I feel as though I maybe try to hard. I've just had to lie to my bf that I went out for dinner with friends as I don't have the heart to tell him I wouldn't even have anyone that would want to go. I have the 'work friends' the ones who don't invite me on their nights out and do collections for everyone and anything yet when I went on mat leave and lost a parent nothing, just the odd text u was greatful for but I feel as though they don't even like me. They all text and I am wondering how did you all even exchange numbers I wouldn't even know how to initiate a conversation to ask someone for their number. I have a loving mum and sister and my own daughter but my family don't live near. Feeling a bit lost and disheartened really as I think I am a genuine and kind person I just have a lot of self confidence issues maybe that is the problem. Don't really know why I'm posting just feeling a bit down I guess.

I just had similar. Had a birthday and nobody at work mentioned it despite knowing about it and despite quite recently having a little drink thing after work for another colleague.

I honestly don't know OP.....I'm a nice person, you sound like a nice person too.

I think some people have the sort of personalities which makes others want to please them....and some people don't.

I don't think it's about being liked or not...I do think I'm generally liked. People make a point to chat to me or confide in me about their personal issues...they just don't do anything for me on my birthday!

I try not to take it personally though...I have a couple of mates but they're a bit busy in their own lives. Lots to do and at an age where they've got ageing parents and troubled teens...so too much to think about.

I just go about my business, please my own family.

How did you meet your BF?

You have a mum, a sister, a daughter, a boyfriend AND ICECREAM!

Happy birthday xxxxx

Happy birthday.

It’s weird to lie to your bf

Happy birthday OP. You sound lovely !

@FuckPilledLatteplus

It’s weird to lie to your bf

It's not weird when your simply not ready to share something that affects you deeply.

Happy birthday lovely!

You sound like a kind person. You mention having a child, how about making some mum friends at the school gates, baby groups.Try a new hobby, courses, it's hard I feel like that some days too.
Be kind to yourself 🤗

Happy Birthday @Doglover98!!

I have had similar. My birthday recently and as always it was a non event with my family and my closest friends forgot. I do feel quite low and more isolated now than I did through all of covid

I've decided that next year I'm booking into a nice hotel....I never do anything for myself and DH has ADHD so isn't good at pre-planning things...but he'll be on board and I'm just taking control of my own birthday from now on.

DH got me a lovely gift this year...which is something he's not always good at.

Next year, arrange a night with your BF OP....

@Kitchendrama1 i I met him online. I'm not as shy online but when he met me he even said himself I'm different from what he expected in that he can tell I'm secretly shy and find social situations awkward. His sister give me a gift last week and I sort of frooze and found it weird. My own family don't really do gifts so I'm not used to it I guess. @FuckPilledLatteplus I feel horrible for doing it but I just didn't want him to worry about me and I guess I wanted to pretend I'm okay and yes having a great day dont worry when in reality I was alone and sad. I've tried to talk to him about my mental health but it's so hard when I don't understand it myself. He puts it down to ur having a bad day itl be okay soon. He's this social butterfly so I don't think he quite gets it but I struggle enough with my self esteem I'd hate it if I thought he felt sorry for me I'd then start questioning is he only with me because he feels guilty I have no one else. This is literally how bad it gets.
@Row1n I'm sorry to hear ur going through the same and that your closest friends forgot. Happy belated birthday is there anything you find that helps you?

You sound lovely op. It also sounds as though your social skills are hindering you. Your bf saw the real you because his introduction to you was via a medium that you could shine through. The good news is that you can improve these. I learnt my social skills relatively late in life (I had an isolated childhood with emotional neglect in it so was the weird kid at school), nobody meeting me now would know I had to essentially refer to the manual in how to act in social situations to learn to be how I am.
It has been very freeing to be able to express my inner self accurately in social situations so that people who like/don't like me do so based on who I actually am not who i seem to be.
The only legacy issue is that as it is a second language not my mother tongue as it were, my inner feelings (of confidence) don't airways match my outward demeanour (but that's quite common to varying degrees). And sometimes if I don't have time to think I make faux pas or put my foot in it.
But I tell you all that to say you can re-jig your social skills to a smooth the way for people not to shy away. You need a kind perspective to help you identify what you could do differently (without going against 'who' you are) to not put those social bumps in the road that prevent people seeing your depth and quality and getting closer. So something like a therapist. Also any safe social situations where you know people will be kind while you practice not being awkward (like the way you reacted to the gift) or not coming across as needy (you mentioned self confidence issues), somewhere to build yourself up (maybe an interest /church group where you could go, perhaps with your sister to start). I got a job in hospitality to help me, it meant I could wear my work 'hat' to act like someone who was comfortable and confident, and had a way to observe others who were,to notice and use their reactions to others or the way they held peoples interest etc. It was really useful because if I messed up and seemed a bit odd, I would likely not see them again and I could keep trying (fake it until it feels natural) over and over until I was getting it right.

There are people who aren't kind and aren't worth the effort, but your posts make me think that, like me, you have a few social skills that need building up so that the people who could enjoy you aren't kept at arms length by the grit in the social wheels as it were.

@Doglover98 I don't find it weird you lied. I understand.
Don't be too hard on yourself and there's still plenty of time. Some people don't meet their real friends until they're later on in life!!
I think it can be so hard being an adult and feeling like you don't have this special bond of friendship and girlfriends you hear and read about. Happy birthday. x

@nzeire

You have a mum, a sister, a daughter, a boyfriend AND ICECREAM!

Happy birthday xxxxx

Absolutely! You are loved.

I think you need to work on your self esteem. When I was feeling low last year I wrote a list of goals I wanted to achieve. Make friends, find a hobbie, start anxiety medication, eat healthy join a gym. All these have made me feel better about myself and built up my social skills.

I'm just taking control of my own birthday from now on.

I did this years ago and it is totally the way to go as an adult female. I think about what I want to do, I suggest it to whoever I want to do it with, and enough people say yes that I have never had a bad birthday. I learned this from looking at my friends - the ones who had fun birthdays either arranged it themselves, or had a wife who did so.

In your case next year you could suggest a work lunch "It is my birthday next Friday - is anyone up for lunch at X?" and likewise with your partner "It is my birthday next week and I would like to go to that new bar/restaurant/other. What do you think?".

You have to be ok with people saying no, but I honestly don't think that is any worse than waiting for others to arrange something and then being disappointed when they don't.

@FuckPilledLatteplus

It’s weird to lie to your bf

Kick her while she's done hey?

It's completely understandable in the circumstances.

I can't comment on your work colleagues, op, but I doubt it's a personal thing against you, probably they just think you're not interested and have other people to celebrate with. Easily happens especially if someone is more reserved/introverted than the main group.

Happy birthday though - I didn't have ice cream for my birthday and wish I had done!

*down

Hi OP,
I don’t find it weird why you lied either.
There’s some great advice here, something to think about.
Happy birthday…😀 🎂