How do I accept this and be ok with it?

[Cruellabluebella]

This is a long story so I will try and keep it brief.

Married for 16 years. Two dc. Late 30s now. Never been happy in marriage, it’s always felt superficial, we have rarely had sex and apart from when trying to conceive it’s been years at times.
About three years ago I realised I wasn’t straight. At first I thought I might be bi but now I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I told a few friends and my mum, who wasn’t thrilled and advised me to not tell anyone else and that it was too late.
Time rumbled on and I left DH last year. However after about two months I ended up going back, in part due to pressure from my parents (in particular my mum who would sooner I was unhappy than gay) and my dc and just generally feeling worn down.
However my mental health has continued to decline. I’m anxious all the time. I struggle to sleep and eat. I feel a lot of disconnect and nothingness. DH and I went to relate and some of the other issues not related to my sexuality have improved... but I’m still gay (he doesn’t know) and now when we have sex I cry during it or afterwards and tend to harm myself as well. I feel so angry all the time and violated - I know this isn’t fair to DH either. However he’d also sooner this than we split up. He doesn’t know about the self harm. I stick to bruises and burns mainly - things that could be accidental - and areas that aren’t seen. I make sure the lights are off before I undress.
How do I just accept this is how it is? It is better for everyone else if I can just put up with it - my dc are happier, DH is, my parents would much sooner I were unhappily married than out and gay (I think subconsciously this is why I forced myself to be straight when I was younger). If I could undo the being gay I absolutely would. I just need to find a way to function.

Aww this is sad, and it's not fair on you or your husband. Both of you deserve to be happy. Can you split up and just take time for you to be you and figure out what you want?
You don't have to come out to the world until you are ready but it's got to be better than this.
But please please what ever you do stop having sex with your husband.

It would be good if you could separate the two issues;

1. you are in an unhappy relationship
2. you are gay

More importantly the pressures from both are causing you to self harm; the desperation that takes you to get to that point is something that needs urgent help.

Getting out of a relationship where you are crying and wanting to punish yourself needs to be a priority. Your mother's opinion is neither here nor there but she doesn't have your best interests at heart so I would be very careful in confiding in her from now on.

What's your housing and financial situation? What practical steps can you take to initiate a split?

I could probably manage a split practically but I’m not feeling emotionally very tough.
I’m anxious all the time, massively so.
DH has changed a lot of the other things that were wrong with the marriage and I believe were I straight I’d now be happy to stay. I find it selfish to break up the children’s family based on my sexuality - given that you’d think I’d have realised years ago. It’s ridiculous.
I do find sex with DH very difficult though, my body just says no.

I suppose I need to know if my sexuality is a good enough reason to upturn everyone else’s lives and only I know that.
I’m so used to ignoring what I want though that it would be a very difficult thing to do and the guilt would be huge.

I suppose I need to know if my sexuality is a good enough reason to upturn everyone else’s lives and only I know that.

How about your happiness being a good enough reason? You might be a wife and mother but you are still a person in your own right and you have a right to be happy and free from anxiety.

I know it seems like a huge issue but people do separate all the time and it will be OK once you've got the practicalities sorted out.

You need counselling on your own without DH. That will help you untangle some of this without the pressures of the person you are speaking to being involved or having an agenda.

My happiness does matter, but does it matter enough to cost the happiness of everyone else?
The sex is the sticking point for me, I really really want to be able to stay and keep the family together. DH has not been great over the years but is trying really hard now. Most other issues are lots better but I don’t think the sex issue is going to.
Understandably DH would like sex. I am never going to willingly sleep with him. This is the problem. Now that I’ve come out to myself 🙄 I can’t unknow it and I find that the only way I can get through the sex is to lie there and let it happen and try and pretend im somewhere else.

There is no easy solution but there is support available to help you make decisions and feel comfortable with them. So take it. Book a counsellor. Own making things better.

And maybe find some LGBT groups that will provide some support. You aren’t the first person to have experienced this - plenty have and come out the other side with secure and meaningful relationship and a happy future ahead of them and those they love.

It will be ok. You just have to recognise that you need additional input. Those family around you love you but you need a different kind of listener.

How would your DH feel if he knew he was (effectively) raping you? If he's a decent man he would be horrified. That's a dreadful dilemma to put him in - you have to be honest with him for both your sakes.

If you decide to stay together "for the sake of the children" (never a good idea) there is nothing to stop him seeking sex with a willing partner outside the marriage.

No and I would be ok with that.
I understand that he wants to have sex, he may not have been an excellent husband or father over the years but this part isn’t down to him.