In a dark place.

[MercyBooth]

I dont know/understand whats happening to me. Ive been very anxious crying and shaking and thinking about the past a lot. Im 48 and back in 2003 i had an affair that lasted for four and a half years with a man i met at work. He was single. Im not. Im married but there has been no physical relationship with DH since around 1996. I cannot believe how fast the time has gone. I have thought about ex OM a few times over the years but a month ago i started to have these really intense feelings. What started this off was i was on a thread about vintage magazines like New Woman which i was buying back then. And seeing the covers brought back so many memories it was like a tidal wave which all came crashing in at once. The fb group im in which i joined last month for the now defunct place we used to work had photos of the shop (not the exact one but same layout) i used to work in. I could see myself standing there and him pulling up outside and entering the shop. It was like it was yesterday I cannot work out whether its peri , or possibly what we have all just been through with the pandemics and the lockdowns. But last month i came close to a bloody breakdown. I know had a big birthday last month . He was 65 at the end of it. On that same day i was in the town and i went to the grounds of a local church and stood beside a hedge and sobbed. It was the first time id stood in that spot since 18 years ago when we were kissing there one time. Whats wrong with me? Why now?

Hi Op. I went through something similar 6 months ago when I turned 36. Not sure what it was about turning that age, but it made me realise how the last decade had been a complete blur, and that I wish I could've gone back in time to relive it. Ultimately my sadness was a yearning to go back to a happier, care-free time and I'm still having bouts of that now. I'm not sure if the pandemic has played a part, maybe it has, but for me personally, my life hasn't panned out in the way I'd have liked and that is what hurts the most.

Not sure if this post helps at all, but I wonder if like me, you've been reflecting on what could have been and therefore have a lot of existential questions without many answers.

Would mindfulness help to maybe centre you a little bit, and to try to focus on the present and future? Easier said than done, I know.

@LoisWilkers Thank You Im sorry you have been going through the same thing. Shit isnt it?

Its like ive been going through the past decade on auto pilot.

Believe me you are not alone it's an awful thing to go through i really sympathies with you, i have for 2 months now started thinking about things from my past silly things that i regret and cannot stop thinking about everyday i cry, get heart palpitations, have lost weight i don't want to see my family because i don't want them to see me like this i hope you can get better soon i wish i could offer a solution for you i don't know why these thoughts can manifest after time my thought is from 4 years ago it just popped into my head one day and changed my life
good luck and i really hope you can get back to normal

@BennyBean Im sorry you are going through the same sort of thing.

Mercy. I think your feelings could be entirely due to hormone changes. I went quite strange emotionally at that time. I am sorry you are feeling like this. It's really hard.

[quote MercyBooth]@BennyBean Im sorry you are going through the same sort of thing. [/quote]
Hi mercybooth thank you so much it means a lot that you have said that makes me feel good that someone can be nice to me my family aren't any support because i have always been independent and they think i'm okay but i'm not i appreciate you sending me this message thank you x

OP, why have you continued to stay married to somebody you have no physical relationship with? That's almost 30 years...

Hi Op, I understand what you have written. I think it is probably a combination of the peri and you living in unhappy circumstances. Unfortunately the same applies to me and I feel as if I need a happy attachment, something to lift me out of the unhappy hole I seem to have found myself existing in. I know I need to work on my feelings of self worth and build myself up and all of this starts with feeling better about myself (plus huge hormone shift) but I am lonely within a relationship (but don't want to get out of it right now...complicated). Like you I don't have much support in real life. It's an awful place to be and I think we might be functioning in some sort of other world as a coping mechanism.

I hope you feel better soon.

@loneranger123 YES i get you. And the lack of support in real life is the same here. Im in horror at the inescapable march of time. It feels like its running out.

MercyBooth I think the peri/this age (and I'm a similar age to you) makes us re-evaluate everything and what matters most.

I have dc so a lot gravitates around them so I have decided to make them a priority particularly as they are relatively young. I have interests and new things I want to try and I've thought long and hard about this too.

The lack of emotional support seems the most difficult to resolve...you can't just conjure it up so, I'm going for the 'treat yourself well' version and though I feel like it isn't the same as a significant other giving you validation, attention and companionship, it really does help and fortunately, is becoming easier after years of me being my own worse critic.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I too have real blasts from the past...it permeates my dreams too but then I realise that actually that wasn't picture perfect either...but right now, just feels like a better place to be.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I too have real blasts from the past...it permeates my dreams too but then I realise that actually that wasn't picture perfect either...but right now, just feels like a better place to be

Yes. Ive had some really vivid dreams too. And the panic attacks have been terrible.

I found this on e bay. I used to play this CD on a DVD player in the shop. So many memories. When we packed up the shop in 2004 it got left in the player.

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/293295851644?_trkparms=amclksrc=ITM&aid=1110018&algo=HOMESPLICE.COMPLISTINGS&ao=1&asc=20210609144404&meid=9cc7b6cede384e7ca3ab87c345b9984f&pid=101196&rk=4&rkt=12&sd=231468465660&itm=293295851644&pmt=1&noa=0&pg=2047675&algv=ItemStripV101HighAdFeeWithCompV3Ranker&_trksid=p2047675.c101196.m2219&amdata=cksum:2932958516449cc7b6cede384e7ca3ab87c345b9984f%7Cenc:AQAGAAACAHs5sOzyIPnGw1B4h9B3Z3ncycMCv%252BJ9Rtb9fVdHTyJPAByv3lhyikU1HZRd4CtjZ%252B1MJo977z6fV%252BeUBzNNp%252BINaohZ1KdairVpW3m5yniQA29XZqCodB8Hi5UZe6%252BMHa7mDEKmSnjdbcWWJMlFXHd%252BIsMyO7%252BUFksC%252Fduo8Uvxe5JyOc6b6Jh2XEr0%252BwnDsK2OtFQXi0EZuW42ij7sGtwo6no5HiGpvI1%252BmSv477XJ6xliMHrFnClzdk8fzNJIbHo4MEEJWjJHKzvTpxBeD4lLwsp145OqGmBLJ%252FPl5XrFWvlmfqeKHoITlL7MN%252Bv%252BXFqu2eEDFio4fMCKswHcUn80lJqSyJq3uFEN75T8aLX%252BQ0f02TisjcV5QoEvRzkwJOUAFrmg8Dtctyfq5Fn0ysSIqMOwWJTo7ANkgTs%252B2DK9Z3CG2OR4sPLg5bpE%252FXUX130PCKW57vUjJ1taHf%252BbIqDDHOODMAnEH1v%252FthhSaVe5wlVwX9zkriAYk%252FXNm%252BQwtaeVbleEeb9wNr2T7dW1%252F3PduQzeUdrUD2h7T%252Fx3nxSwe2O64fUtmgXcs2qDbpIjyBUc6oZGyb8jjAdnKSt1saUSoZN%252FoC32Q6ESq1jHpTvuvBRyuu%252Fy147DqCiFswvQQKMQh17uqjflqWFZu1L4DnTAQCBCrTldsEy%252F8jwtYLly%7Campid:PL_CLK%7Cclp:2047675&mkevt=1&mkcid=1&mkrid=710-53481-19255-0&campid=5336323013&toolid=10001&customid=470X756X3e593d69cc9472943681e311dd23956b

Ive really improved my eating and cut out all the bad things four weeks ago. Ive lost weight , i can feel it in my clothes but i still feel depressed anxious shaky and alone. I know sugar can be a depressant so i cut out all the obvious crap. Plus any sauces etc with excess sugar in it.