Feeling down and lonely

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I'm just a complete mess at the moment and cannot seem to get my head straight.
I don't know why I allow it, but my exdp keeps popping in and out of mine and dcs lives and it really is tearing me apart.

I honestly don't know why I still feel the way I do, i truly don't want a relationship with him but do for some reason feel content when he is around.
I have spent almost 4 days in tears runningto the toilets in work hiding all because we were meant to do something with our dc and he disappeared turning off his phone, which I then found out later he was with his other dc.

We're not sleeping together, but as I have been single since we split 7 years ago it feels as though he's still my family as I want to do things with him and our dc, which i know isn't really what should be happening but that is what we have always done and it worked well for us and I don't know if it is a culmination of being with dc 24/7 during lockdown that's starter to make me realise that I'm really alone when it comes to raising them and having days out etc and I really don't want to do it anymore.
It makes me so sad when I'm sitting at a beach or on a day out with them and I see all these families together, it breaks me.
I know not all of them are as happy as they seem but that's all I've ever wanted but never had, except for the odd day out over the years. I also feel that because my dc are getting older and he has started again that I've lost any chance of having that life, not just with him but anyone else and he doesn't make me feel any better about it, by constantly telling me that he gets to start over as he knows he messed up with us and our dc.
It's just depressing and I'm sorry for rambling I needed to get it out.

I know it's not right and for the most part I'm happy, but why can that small part of me not let him go. He is no good a liar cheat and definitely a narcissist

You will never move on whilst he comes on days out with you and fits back into your lives whenever he feels like it. You need to be strong no more acting like he is family. Do you have family or friends you could do days out with to get some adult company that way. You need to seperate yourself from him otherwise one day the kids will grow up and hem what he will be gone.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this OP. Do you have anyone who could support you with this in your life? Sending hugs x

I know, I did stop contact with him for a few years but I felt the same way. It's like he's always at the back of my mind, i go to bed thinking about him wake up thinking about him, but as i said it isn't love i don't want him as a person. I don't know what my problem is its unhealthy and I know it.

I don't really have a lot of friends or family, those I do have are either married or just starting families so are pretty busy.

Maybe its become an unhealthy obsession perhaps some sort or counselling may help you clear up how you feel.as if you dont love him it does seem strange to think about him that much. Could you start something new a hobby for example and get him to watch them or take them whilst you try it out separating your time from him but he still gets to see them

I work full time, so between that taking dcs to clubs etc I don't have a lot of spare time.
He also doesn't see them that often, he does work but then always has something else going on so won't look after them or if he does it's only for 2 hours at the most.

Some counselling might help sort things and get some closure for you.

How old are the DC now?

Have you dated at all since the breakup?

Dc are 8&10

Yes I have dated, nothing more than over 6 months though.

Time to cut contact and get some support from a therapist. No wonder you can’t move on if he’s only having them for two hours. You’re not getting every other weekend to build up a social life! When can you go out without your DC? When was the last time you had a night out without them? He’s taking the piss. He needs to have them Friday to Sunday twice a month and overnight during the week so you can join some clubs and that’s the way you’ll build a new life and meet someone else and get the life you want

No wonder you're feeling so down.
You need some adult time with some friends and sometimes by yourself.
Does he pay maintenance for the DC?

He needs to have set visitation with them at his place like PP said EOW. Definitely stop the outings with him. He can take them out on his own.

Until then, do your DC have friends they could spend the night with once in awhile so you can have a night for yourself?

Oh God I've only been awake an hour and I'm in tears already.
I'm trying to get myself together and motivated as we had planned something for the dc this weekend before going back to school, which he has now cancelled and I'm at the point where I'm dreading going by myself.
The whole journey not talking to anyone, because dc usually fall asleep in the car or have their kindles on. I know this makes me sound like a sad little woman who can't do anything without him which couldn't be any further from the truth.

He does pay maintenance and there are various reasons as to why they don't have overnights with him, that is a whole other thread.

When my exh couldn't so overnight stays (his parents are alcoholics and he lived with them after we split up), he used to come and stay in my house if if wanted to go away overnight etc.

Wouldn't work for everyone, I know, but would that be a possibility?

@GreyCarpet that's what we used to do when they were younger but now he has a new partner and baby it's become more difficult for them to even have a relationship with them.