Want to die

[Kuachui]

I want to die, only thing keeping me alive is my 2 toddlers and I resent them for it.

I hate that they make me unable to kill myself.

I want to give them up to my mum but I love them so much I can't end my life and let it affect them.
They have a dad.. My husband. He's useless. More useless than I am.
I live him and he's a lively man but still completely useless like most men I've ever known.

My kids are a battle everyday.
I'm broke.
No prospect of a good future and Its all my fault. I regret everything, I regret having kids with my husband and I regret even having kids. I should have stayed alone forever and been happy.

I pretend like I'm okay and nothing is getting me down but it is. My whole life is a mess.

I love him and he's a lovely man* at least in general

I've been here and still have my days like this. Mine was PND, have you ever been treated for depression? Gently, I urge you to contact your GP, medication and help is out there and it can do wonders. Have you any family that can take the kids for half a day or so? Does your hubby know you feel like this?

OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Never spoken to anyone before about it.
I'll definitely contact my go, scared of taking any meds in case they make me worse.
Unfortunately no family near me, my mother visits me every month for a week but isn't much help to be honest as my kids are too much to handle for a whole day.

I've just spoken to him, he's being more supportive than I thought he would be, he still doesn't quite understand but he does try to get it and he knows the kids are frustrating.

That was too @Bonnie90x

Medication is unlikely to make it worse as anti depressants may make it easier to cope. And the mental health services will be aware of you then.
Also can you call your Health Visitor if UK? Mine were very good, got me in touch with Surestart who offered some support. A friend's son went to a creche while she had therapy through them too, she was very depressed.

Well done for speaking out @Kuachui
That's the first step.
4 - 6 months ago I felt exactly like you, and I didn't speak up. Needless to say certain things happened and it ended up with A&E and a hospital stay. I'm now doing so much better, now my medication has kicked in and it's out in the open, I have received very good MH care where I am. I too don't have any family around me as I relocated to another country in January, so I appreciate how hard it is to be stuck in this low mood, it's truly awful and I really hope now you've taken some tentative steps to address it you can start, in time, to feel a bit more contentment. Well done again. You can and will come out the other side. Make sure hubby knows how vital it is that you get a regular break from the kids, even a long bath alone or a lay down in a quiet room can help to clear your headspace a bit.
As regards meds, yes, sometimes it is a bit trial and error finding one that works for you, I'm on my 3rd type and it suits me and keeps me level and I can now function and take care of myself and my children again. Good luck. Keep posting on here and keep talking xx

Thank you so much 😢 it honestly means the world to have people not judge and understand.

I will reach out to my gp and health services and ask for support, had a good cry and talk to husband and he's on board to try lighten my load which is nice and kids start nursery in a week for a few hours a week so that should also help