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Mental health

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Original poster

I miss my friend

47 replies

zephyrcat · 09/11/2004 17:19

There was a igrl who was my best friend for years - all through school. She was the best looking girl, the most popular girl. She had everything and although I loved her to bits, I always wished I was her. She married the best looking and most popular boy in the year above us at school and had their first baby. We drifted apart at the time and apart from a few chance meetings didnt keep in touch as much as we should. In 2001 she had another baby, and sent me a card to say they were all doing fine and had moved and to give her a call. I didnt get around to it, although at the time I was expecting my first and her mum worked at my doc's so I always told her to say Hi. What I didn't realise was that she broke her pelvos whilst giving birth to her 2nd, and was in a wheelchair and on crutches for months, and had to have plates and pins inserted and several operations. In August 2001 she went to her parents house while they were away and took an overdose. My mum told me she had been on a brand of anti-depressants which were causing a lot of fuss amongst GP's because they can make you suicidal. I have never seen so many people at a funeral. She was the popular one, the one who had it all. I held it together until i got to the doors of the church and saw the flowers saying 'MUMMY' It haunts me to this day.
I find I can't talk to anyone face to face about this because it kills me everytime - but I just had to get it out there.

OP posts:

cat82 · 09/11/2004 18:18

Zephrycat {{{hugs}}} Not a whole lot of advice i'm afraid, i just wanted to say that i understand. My best freind, someone i'd been freinds with since i was 6, killed himself by taking an overdose of anti depressants. We had drifted apart a bit because i'd moved away so i didn't know he was so bad, and i felt (and still feel) awful about it.
I have spoken to a grief counseller, and it was terribly, terribly hard to talk about it and face my feelings of guilt and how much i missed him. Eventualy though it did start to help, and she helped me sort out my feelings.
Although i still hurt for him and miss him, and feel a sense of guilt, it isn't as crushing, and i've learned (as corny as it sounds) to just be pleased i knew him.
I hope it gets better for you sweetheart. Do think about talking to someone.

xxxxx

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/11/2004 18:21

good to hear Puff. Its one of those things I've been thinking about doing for a while and it's really helping to know that you are all there. I dont know anyone else who has dealt with anything like this so haven#'t really had anyone to talk to about it - its just been eating me up for the last 2 years.

OP posts:

pipkin · 09/11/2004 18:23

What a beatiful and moving message fairyfly, a true testament to your friend. Would you mind my asking how long ago your friend died?

PuffTheMagicDragon · 09/11/2004 18:26

zephyrcat, there's some online suicide bereavement support groups that I can give you details of, plus if you are interested, some books which I have found helpful. I'll post them on here later tonight as I have to disappear for a bit.

fairyfly · 09/11/2004 18:27

Not at all Pip it was three years ago

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/11/2004 18:29

thank you puff i'll look out for you tonight and thank you for understanding, it means a lot - In fact to you all for understanding. It really does make things a million times 'lighter' to know i'm not alone in this

OP posts:

fio2 · 09/11/2004 18:33

zephrycat {{{{{{}}}}}}}} i lost my old best friend 3 years ago and thankfully we did get back in touch only months before she died. It was a terrible shock at the time, she was only 23, and out of all my friends she was the healthiest but leukemia took her life. She was intelligent, witty and gorgeous and I think life can be just so cruel. Almost exactly 12 months after i lost my sister, she was 21. I dont think, even now I have not got over the grief. I think it helps to talk about them, although I still end up in floods of tears talking about my sister Sarah now. I miss her so much and time doesnt seem to be helping as much as I thought it would. I do think though you view life differently, you empathise with people better and are able to get a perspective on things that maybe you didnt before. If you are only here once you may aswell make the most of it and live your life to the full as your friend would have wanted. It must be incredibly difficult for everyone involved though that she lost her life in such tragic circumstances. Missing someone after they have died is very normal and you never ever forget. You wonder what their opinions would be and laugh at TV because you know they would find it funny. You know they would take the pee out of the hideous clothes you are wearing. they would spoil your children rotten. All the things you miss are there daily, but there is nothing you can do about it except remember them and hold them dear

beetroot · 09/11/2004 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/11/2004 19:28

I didnt take it like that at all beetroot - It reinforced what I believe myself - that they are out there somewhere helping us get through the day to day things in life. I see her in dreams, I talk to her when i need a friend and she's always at the front of my mind I admire the stregnth you've drawn from such a horrible thing

OP posts:

beetroot · 09/11/2004 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PuffTheMagicDragon · 09/11/2004 21:25

zephyrcat, as promised, following are some info and resources you might find useful.

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide has a national helpline and regular meetings for anyone bereaved by suicide.

Suicide bereavement - why it's so difficult!

SCOLOS is an online support group for people bereaved by suicide.

This is the most helpful book I have read.

The 2 support groups I've mentioned are for ANYONE affected by someone's suicide, not just close family.

Hope you find some of this useful .

Original poster

zephyrcat · 09/11/2004 21:27

Thank you Puff - I'm definately going to look into those

OP posts:

jampot · 09/11/2004 21:44

I lost my best friend when she was murdered in 1985. She answered a modelling advert in a Post Office window and went round (she was stunning). The guy who killed her (Geoffrey JOnes) hanged her and the Police said she would have been dead within 10 minutes of entering the house. He took an overdose but survived although I suspect he is free now. Vienna by Ultravox was played at her funeral and it always bring back memories for me. I went on to marry her then boyfriend (who I actually suspect has never got over it)

PuffTheMagicDragon · 09/11/2004 22:00

jampot . How dreadful.

Novacane · 10/11/2004 00:32

Hi there,

I lost my best friend to suicide in May this year. She was gorgeous, loved by everyone, especially her 6, (now 7) year old daughter, Chloe. She hung herself on her 24th birthday.
We had arranged to go shopping the following day, she had talked about going on a holiday to Ibiza, so I struggle to think she planned it.
My son was 6 weeks old when she left us, so ive been wrapped up in trying to be a good Mum. Ive not had time to grieve. Its only when I sit here late at night that I have time to. And my god it hurts.
I was so angry at her... thats fading..
I wanted to know why... I'll never get the answer.
Shed had problems yes, but was the life and soul of any party.... I think there known as rough diamonds. But she wasn't rough, she was my best friend and I want her back.

I do have her picture out, its a picture of me, her and our other best mate when we were 15. its taken at arms length iykwim, and is all wonky, but thats why I love it so much. I sit and cuddle it to try and feel close to her. But it doesnt work. Some days I look at it and cry, some days I look at it and smile. I take Charlie, my DS up to it every day and tell him to say hello to her and tell him all about her. Im gutted that he will never have his aunty Cath like her DD had me.

So your not alone, I havent really come to terms with anytihng yet, so im probably not much help. But time does heal and Im sure we will get there in the end.

With love
Novacane

nightowl · 10/11/2004 00:49

such sad stories....dont know what else to say except it seems so unfair. love to anyone thats had to go through this xx

JuniperDewdrop · 10/11/2004 13:59

fio Ikwym about wanting to tell them things. I got my sons some spiderman outfits the other day and just know my sister would've giggled like mad when she saw them. Or maybe she did? I have to hold on to the fact that she's still with us. I even smell her sometimes.

novacane your post is so very sad Did she leave a note? don;t answer if you don;t want to hun (((hugs)))

Original poster

zephyrcat · 10/11/2004 14:22

This is something that I have kept with me since my Grandad died 7 years ago, and started reading again when my friend died. It helps me through the bad days - hopefully it can make some of you smile too......
'Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you,
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way that you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
No forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed,
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the houshold word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant,
It is the same as it ever was,
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval,
Somewhere very near, just around the corner.....'

Henry Scott Holland

OP posts:

maomao · 10/11/2004 14:27

zephyrcat,

I'm so sorry that you're grappling with this. It is sooo very difficult. My boyfriend of four years killed himself four weeks after we'd broken up (ex boyfriend then?). It came as a complete and total shock to everyone, and I was completely gutted. He was one of my best friends --- I just didn't feel like he was my life partner. For the longest time I felt like I'd lost a large part of myself.

I still get deeply sad and confused about it, though we're now six years on. But more often I find things that remind me of him, or think he's "sending" me a particular song through the radio, and it makes me feel he's still near. His death has also made me realize what is important to me in life.

Novacane, I know what you mean about wanting to know why, and never getting the answer. It's hard, isn't it, to know that you won't get any? It's like grasping for straws. I try to remind myself that, for whatever reasons, he CHOSE this path, and that has come as a strange comfort to me....

Hugs to you both xxx

JuniperDewdrop · 10/11/2004 14:30

thank you for that zephyrcat xx

Novacane · 10/11/2004 14:52

Thankyou for the poem zephyrcat,

My friend didnt leave a note, but she left a photo out of her, her sister and their Dad when she was little. She simply wrote on the back 'The best years of my life'. Now to this day I dont know whether she put it there on purpose or it was out as she was looking at it, ie I dont know if it was kind of a note, but I know Her family have got some sort of comfort from it.

Its amazing the number of people that are going through this, for some reason I thought I must be the only one to hurt like that.

Love to all

Novacane

fio2 · 10/11/2004 16:34

zephrycat, my sister childhood dr sent me that poem in a card after my sister had died It is a lovely poem. My sisters dr was wonderful though she sent me flowers and even turned up on my doorstep, yet she hadnt been my sisters dr for 8 years!

juniperdewdrop, I still have to beleive my sister is with us still too. I find it weird when my son says he has been playing with "sarah' and "sarah" has made a mess

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