I have ADHD and can’t make/maintain friendships

[tegannotsovegan]

Crossposted from AIBU?

Just that, really.

I’m 23, with a 3 year old son, a partner of (almost) 2 years, I have a wonderful job (that actually makes me feel fulfilled!) and I have ADHD. Due to my ADHD, I have trouble keeping friendships because I genuinely just get too overwhelmed to keep friends. Meeting up, talking on the phone or via text, all on a regular or semi-regular basis… it honestly exhausts me.
But I am so lonely, other than my partner and son. I have absolutely no friends and I moved 100 miles away to live with my partner (bad memories associated with my home town, I no longer felt comfortable living there) so I can’t really reconnect with anyone from my home town.

I really like singing - that’s the only hobby I have, but even that is fading away as I don’t really find pleasure in it anymore.

I just feel a bit… stuck. My partner encourages me to make friends (as partners should) and to be more independent but I really struggle because I don’t like going out by myself as I get easily overwhelmed and need another person there to distract me (and help me with my son when he gets overwhelmed, too).

I have tried counselling multiple times, as well as anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and nothing seems to help so far.

I just don’t really know what to do.

Sending hugs op. I’m awaiting a referral for ADHD/ADD assessment, and I struggle exactly like you do. No tips unfortunately, it is really shit.

I've not properly researched it but I thought ADs don't really help with adhd.

Much older than you, still struggling with friendships. Better than pre-dx but in essence, I've given up. Never belong in groups.

There are support groups in some areas? Definitely helps to find other tribe members. 😊

Well you can maintain friendships because you have a partner of two years and have started a family. The problem isn’t you, it’s that the people you’ve been meeting aren’t willing to be friends at a manageable pace for you.

I have ADHD as well and I have three good friends that it has taken me decades to find and nurture. I’m like you, I cannot keep up with constant contact of texts, phone calls, emails. My friends are therefore low maintenance. They understand that if I don’t contact them for a month, it’s not because I don’t want to be friends, but because that is how I am. Our friendships are still close and rewarding, we are just in slow motion compared to the more intense friendships that society seems to expect.

So, I think you CAN maintain friendships, you just need to keep looking for low maintenance friends who understand you and your limitations due to ADHD.

On a side note, I take medication for my ADHD which helps me a lot with my day to day life and work. Is that an option for you? I don’t understand why they’re trying anxiety medications and antidepressants on you when your problems are clearly due to ADHD not anxiety or depression.

Do you feel like you want friendships or that you should have friendships? I'm not sure from your post as you seem to have quite mixed messages. Maybe take some time to reflect on why you feel like you 'should' be doing something or if you actually want to? We connect with other people when we actively want to, not when we feel obliged to. That goes both ways.

I am the same x I have long term friends but I honestly know I'm a nightmare to maintain a friendship with.
It is so hard. Are you on medication?

@coffeeisthebest

Do you feel like you want friendships or that you should have friendships? I'm not sure from your post as you seem to have quite mixed messages. Maybe take some time to reflect on why you feel like you 'should' be doing something or if you actually want to? We connect with other people when we actively want to, not when we feel obliged to. That goes both ways.

@coffeeisthebest

I want friends because I am lonely. And it sucks so bad :(

Hi, I'm very similar. I'm in my late thirties diagnosed with ADHD, and I have no local friends at all. I'm also chronically ill, so I can't go out much.

I have a wonderful group of friends I met online, which has spilled over into real life, but we're all very far apart and only see each other every year or two.

I actually have a plan for when I'm feeling better, and it is going to sound crazy to neurotypicals, but I honestly believe I need structure to help me socialise. I'm going to join some groups or clubs, and keep attending. I may or may not make friends from that, but I know I'll make acquaintances and that's a start.

It's so difficult to meet people 'organically' when you're neurodiverse. There aren't many opportunities for it, and whenever I've tried, I've fucked it up big time because I can't do small talk and people run a mile.

@tegannotsovegan, ok I hear you, so you really want friendships but you have also said that maintaining friendships exhausts you. So, if I was your friend I would take that as my cue regarding how you felt about me, do you see what I mean? That I would then feel like I am exhausting you and therefore I would probably back off? When actually a relationship is a two way street. We have to give some of our self in order to get back. I understand that you have previously tried therapy but would you consider a return and a focus on your way of relating to others? Rather than immediately jumping to lay it all in the lap of ADHD (which I'm not saying it isn't), try and slow things down and really see what is happening when you reach out to others. I think this will help both you and your child.

Sorry to ask the obvious but have you tried ritalin? It can be life changing for ADHD.

[quote coffeeisthebest]@tegannotsovegan, ok I hear you, so you really want friendships but you have also said that maintaining friendships exhausts you. So, if I was your friend I would take that as my cue regarding how you felt about me, do you see what I mean? That I would then feel like I am exhausting you and therefore I would probably back off? When actually a relationship is a two way street. We have to give some of our self in order to get back. I understand that you have previously tried therapy but would you consider a return and a focus on your way of relating to others? Rather than immediately jumping to lay it all in the lap of ADHD (which I'm not saying it isn't), try and slow things down and really see what is happening when you reach out to others. I think this will help both you and your child.[/quote]
@coffeeisthebest

I definitely understand what you’re saying and I feel bad for any friends I have had over the years because it has seemed like I’m making them the problem when it truly is myself. I have tried therapy but I would try it again, the waiting lists are very long at the moment but I am willing to try anything.

I’ve always struggled with this - no matter how much I like someone, I pretty much forget about them unless they are in my daily line of vision. It’s a crap part of having adhd for sure…I am quite certain I have hurt people in the past.

I’ve recently stumbled across two friends, both with adhd. We totally understand each other on this point, and therefore all the pressure is off. Could you look for local support or adhd meet up groups? Even start a group yourself?

I really empathise with you. My 16 year old daughter has a diagnosis of ADHD and I think it's very likely I have it too.

Is there something like 'Rock Choir' near where you live? I've always found choirs to be brilliant for getting to know people whilst also being brilliant for positive mental health benefits.

@tegannotsovegan, I absolutely don't mean that you are the problem. I wish you all the best.and hope you can find some way to help yourself.

@coffeeisthebest

Oh no I know that - sorry if it came across that way :(

Do you take medication for your ADHD