Just want to go home now - I hate my life

[daisynova]

I don't really want to be a moaner or someone who isn't coping but I just feel like my heart and soul are breaking now and I think I need some help. I have nowhere else to turn to as I don't want to be a burden on anyone so I hope you don't mind me offloading on you all. I am crying as I write this and haven't been able to stop for a long time. My husband is in bed sleeping so I am trying hard not to wake him up.

I am a British expat living in Amsterdam due to my husband's job. Before we moved here I had a job that I loved, all my friends lived nearby, I saw my family often, I had my own car, my own life, my independance. I moved here in 2005 after my husband was posted here - we were only just engaged then. I managed to get a job quite quickly with the promise of doing something related to what I used to do but that didn't work out as the people I worked with saw me as a threat and the job changed dramatically. My line manager then wrote some pretty slanderous emails about me that I found and despite him being given a warning about them, I was also given a warning for seeing the emails - they were left up on his computer screen when he went for a break. Since then work has went from bad to worse, with me basically being outcast by the rest of my office, ignored when I speak to them and just generally treated like crap.

This year in May I got married but just 5 weeks before the wedding I had a miscarriage and then the week later my house was burglared and they took everything that meant anything to me. My husband didn't actually lose a lot in the burglary but I lost everything pretty much. However I struggled on and had a fantastic wedding and honeymoon and fell pregnant very soon afterwards. I am now 22+3 with a baby boy and though I am happy about this, things are just getting worse for me.

I have been off work pretty much for the past 4 months due to morning sickness, migraines, dealing with my diabetes, vision loss (retinopathy) and just general tiredness. Work have refused to give me maternity leave because they messed up with my NI contributions. Husband's company have been awful at trying to get us moved house into a bigger place and it has been one hassle after another. I have no friends here and I am finding it difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. I just can't see what the point is. I am afraid that I am placing all my hopes of feeling worth something when the baby comes and being sorely disapppointed.

I have tonight written a letter to my husband explaining how I feel but i don't know what I expect him to do about it. Thank you for listening to me - it just helps getting all down.

whoa

thats a lot going on, no wonder youre finding it tough.

think you need to break down the issues into smaller chunks and address each - with your dh. you shouldt be carrying all this about on your tod.

wish i could say more wise and comforting/practical stuff but seem not to have it in me right now... hope you are feeling better, and finding ways to deal with all of it, soon and congrats on the baby. think youre right to try to sort things now as youll prob not have much time after baby is born... but maybe thats a blesing in disguise?

hope any of this helps, and if its all wayy off mark and not at all relevtn, just ignore

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. It really sounds like you are suffering from depression - have you seen a doctor about how you are feeling at all? Living in a strange country isn't an easy thing to do - especially with children so I think you have done really well coping - I would have been on the first easy jet flight home!

Try talking to your husband about this - it really does help to get things like this off your chest - I had post natal depression with my DS and it was such a relief to just admit that yes, I wasn't myself and to talk it all out

Hope this helps a bit?

Thanks girls - I have written a letter to my dh to try to explain how I feel and he has read it. We are going to sit down and talk tonight.

I did speak to my diabetic nurse and my midwife about how I was feeling but over here the attitude is that you just get on with things and so they didn't really help me at all.

I think he should try to get posted back to the UK if at all possible.

I agree talking to DH really important, but would also say that trying to find some friends would be vital if you are staying. You need to be able to talk to people. We moved to France 9 months ago, and lack of people to really talk to is getting me down, and I don't have all your other problems. You poor thing. You need to be able to gossip, have a laugh and a moan. Do you have friends in UK you can talk to (skype has really helped me, as I can now phone cheaply any time of day)? Also could you join a club or group or something. Cliche I know, and also really hard when you're depressed, but it might help. Hope the chat tonight with DH helps.

I know how isolating it can feel living in a foreign country. My husband and I came back to the U.K. because, despite being financially being better off abroad, and climate wise it was better than the U.K., we just weren't happy not having a group of friends who we could connect to. If it is at all possible I think you shuld find a way to come back to U.K. You need freinds and family around you when you are ill and also when you have a new baby. Your husband may be fulfilled at work, but he has to care that you are home alone and isolated. If there is no chance to come back to U'K' you're going to have to be very outgoing and get as many expectant or new Mums, Brits, Dutch or whatever around you as a support network. Do you need to go back to that job? I hope not. It would alleviate alot of your depression probably if you didn't have the thought of going back to that bad atmosphere looming over you. Some things are more important than money. Really put yourself first; this is the one time in your life (when you're pregnant) that you can justify really taking care of yourself and making sure others do. As an expectant Mum you must be allowed to indulge yourself and create yourself a happy environment; it's not good for baby to have a stressed out Mummy. I hope your hubby can see this and can come up with some solutions so you can be surrounded by friends or at least can do a job you like. I think it's definately time that your needs were an absolute priority at the moment; I hope he recognises that. Can a UK buddy come and spend some time there so you're not alone? A week back at your Mum's or a U.K. buddy might clear your head- I think Amsterdam is getting on top of you!!! You probably can create a nice life there if you can't move back to the U.K. but you must really think it through and put you and the baby first.

Hubby's job is for just under another 2 years and he has to complete the contracted time otherwise we would be charged around £10,000 to return home. So I am stuck here.

I do get back to the UK regularly and speak to my UK friends a lot, but I feel all I do is moan at them and have been stopping myself form calling them as much lately as they don't need to hear me moaning all the time. I won't be able to go home after Xmas really until the baby is born.

The Dutch are very hard to get to know and there just isn't any kind of clubs around that I can join. The only one I would have been interested in is on when I am meant to be working. I am joining a preparation for childbirth course in January that is taught in English so hoping to meet some new Mums there that I can become friends with.

I am not returning to the job once I go on Mat leave however I still have another 8 weeks to go before mat leave starts and I don't think I can do it. I just want the doctor to sign me off and as I said, they just don't do that kind of thing here. I think I may go to his office and just cry until he signs me off.

Thanks girls - this is helping me believe it or not. I can see that I place a lot of my own happiness in what job I am doing. Maybe just being a Mum will be the perfect job for me in a few months.

I know how you feel daisynova, I left my job (didn't particularly care about it), my friends and a city I liked living in to join my then boyfriend (now dh) in the UK. It took me ages to overcome the shock of living in a different country (and in a small town). I think I had some kind of mild depression. Having my first child didn't help me feeling less alone for quite a while. But slowly things changed and after 8 yrs I feel more settled (and now we are moving back ).
I think it is a great idea to go to the preparation class in English, I'm pretty sure there'll be some expats. I'm also pretty sure there should be lots of advertising of expats meet ups at the embassy.
Go for long walks. After all Amsterdam is a beautiful city and looking at beautiful things helps (imo) lifting up the mood.
I really feel for you, I went through the same

First - congrats on your pregnancy - how exciting! Are you keeping well (my sister has diabetes, and retinopathy so I know a little about how hard it can be to keep on the level, without being pg as well)?

Your last post was very sensible - you are going to be a Mum soon, and what fun that will be. Please try and look forward to the joy this little fella is going to bring to you. Amsterdam may well seem a much nicer place when you are pushing your little one around, not worrying about work.

Will you be ok financially if no mat leave (sorry, say if TMI)? It is worth fighting for it, though I haven't a clue how, sorry. If money isn't a huge worry and you aren't planning on returning after the baby, then def get yourself signed off, no matter what you have to do!

Please look after yourself, and make sure you make it clear to you GP and MW how you are feeling - my limited experience of the Dutch has been v positive - it might be that they are a little un humerous sometimes, and seme to be very serious. You may need to spell out very clearly your concerns (which you may have done already) - you need outside support, and support from DH to make sure you do not become (more) depressed.

Do you have family in the UK you could come and live with for the next few months?

Franca - thanks honey for the support. The problem with my job is that it is at the embassy - most of the staff there are really horrible to me.

shrinking - We would be ok financially without the mat pay but I don't want to go without it. We can do with every penny we can get as we are trying to buy a house back home for when we eventually move back in late 2009. I take your advice about speaking to the GP & MW again - I think it is time that they listen to me properly.

I could come home to live with my parents but I would miss my dh sooooo much and all my medical notes are here & in Dutch so it would be a nightmare to get everything transferred to my parents home town. My Mum is coming out for the birth to help me and dh so I am looking forward to that.

!!! I had this idea of British embassy being very civilized and efficient... . I think you'll be incredibly relieved when you stop working and you'll immediately feel better. I think that preparing for a new baby will give you more strength and motivation. But there must be plenty of places where english people meet up in Amsterdam (and I'm not suggesting coffee shops ), it's nice to have a bit of company. Great that your mother is coming over for the birth, when ds (our first) was a baby having my mum around was such a relief!

Im sorry youre feeling so low. I think you should talk to your husband tell him how unhappy you are.. would his company be able to help - I mean, could he work from home? Could he work from the UK and fly over for a couple of days each week? Once the baby comes youre little bundle of joy will bring you much happiness.. try not to let the horrible people at your work get you down. I agree - try exploring the internet for expats, mums, any kind of english speaking groups. Keep your chin up :-)

Is there a British school? Even though you don't have school age kids it would be crawling with British Mums. We lived in Brussels when I was a teenager and The British school of Brussels was a real centre of the social scene for British Ex pats.

daisynova - I don't know whether it helps if I point this out - but, oh my God, did you take on a lot of change in one go by moving to Amsterdam with your fiancé. And the changes aren't over yet, because you soon will have to adjust to motherhood.

FWIW, my sister moved to Amsterdam last January and she loves it (she is having a bit of trouble with her DH but that's not related to Amsterdam, it predates it). As far as expatriation destinations are concerned (and we have a lot of experience of them in our family) Amsterdam is great. I suspect that when you give up work a lot of stress will disappear, you won't be so tired and you can get properly involved in ante-natal classes, making new mummy-to-be friends and preparing for your baby's arrival. And then those early years will fly by and you'll go back to the UK.

Do try going back to your GP/midwife and making a huge fuss to get signed off. And then do as much ante-natal stuff/baby shopping as you feel up to. And invite other expat pregnant mothers round for a chat and exchange woes and go to the cinema in the afternoon and other self-indulgent stuff - you'll feel so much better

Daisynova -I'm glad yur Mum will be around for the birth and afterwards - perhaps she will help knock it home to DH how unhappy you are.

Concentrate on staying physically well, getting work pay sorted out, do as little as you can while you are at work (they can't sack you, you're pregnant!!) and look forward to yuor LO!

Ahh daisy, I could have written your post.

This time last year I was pregnant in a foreign country and having quite frankly the worst time of my life. The bit you wrote about having no friends, not wanting to get out of bed etc that was me.

Being totally honest I wish I had gone back to the UK for the birth but like you I didn´t want to be away from DH and the practicalities would have been difficult...anyway...

I´m afraid I don´t have many words of encouragement as I still feel very lonely etc a year on. I miss my family and friends so much it hurts and I feel very lacking in confidence and don´t have the assertiveness you need to "get out there" and make friends.

Suppose I just wanted to let you know you´re no the only one going through this and lots of other ladies out there can empathise.

Hold onto the fact that there is an end in sight although I know that must feel like an age away at the moment. Sometimes knowing something is not permanent can help psychologically.

Sending lots of virtual hugs to you and yes remember to look after yourself

Allbymyself - thank you for your post. I'm not sure if you feel the same but people think I should be happy and feeling lucky that I live overseas yet I am just miserable. I always wanted an overseas posting but I didn't imagine it to be in a country on the UK's dorrstep yet it is sooooo different here and the lack of friends makes life incredibly difficult.

I used to be a very assertive person and still can be but when it comes to joining clubs or trying to make friends, I just feel shy and like I am forcing myself on people.

YumMumLaura - DH couldn't work from home or from the Uk with the type of job he does. He works long hours and is often away at official functions too. If we moved back to the UK we would have to pay around £10,000 to his company to cover the original costs of moving us here and then back again. We can't do that.

Anna8888 - it is difficult to make mum2b friends as I can't go to ante-natal classes here as I don't speak Dutch well enough. I have signed up for an English speaking one that starts in January so hoping to meet people then.

I'm an American living in Amsterdam as well and facing some of the same issues you are. If you want to contact me, please send me an email. I know how isolating it can be to be pregnant without your friends and family around. I just had a baby in Feb, so maybe I can help you with any concerns you may have about giving birth in the Netherlands.

Hi Daisy. We moved to New Zealand in October 2005 and fell pregnant with DS2 in March 2006. Within 3 months I had convinced myself that New Zealand was the worst place on Earth and I simply HAD to get back to the UK to be with my parents. So we moved back in July 2006 and 6 months ago we moved back to NZ I think what I'm trying to say here is that my pregnancy hormones made me really homestick and at the time moving back to the UK was the best thing to do. I instantly felt better, once the baby was born however it was right for us to move back to NZ. Pregnancy is a crazy time hormone wise and can make you feel and think things you wouldn't of dreamt of pre-pregnancy. Is there anyway you can move back to the UK alone for a few months? I know your husband might not been keen on this idea but could be not take some leave around the time the baby is due?? YOUR mental wellbeing is so important atm you need to think about yourself and how ou are feeling. No promises, but chances are a few months after the baby is born Amsterdam won't seem like such a bad place (and this is coming from a woman who at the time though I'ld never ever ever want to go back to NZ LOL). Stick in there chick, talk it through with your husband and remember that it's not forever.

Oh goodness, you poor thing. It sounds like things are very hard at the moment. I have always relied on work in situations like this to provide a social life, and it's really shitty that this has been denied you. Please be assured that things will definitely improve when you have your baby. You will have to force yourself to go out and go to the dreadful cliques groups, but you will be so glad you have done it when life starts to fall in to place again. I hope you begin to feel better soon.

Leka - I have tried to message you but you don't have CAT enabled on your profile.

Haribosman - sounds very familiar to me. I am hating that my friends and family are missing out on my pregnancy and I am missing out on their support. I don't want to leave my husband for any length of time - it would kill me and him. We are really close. Plus all my notes are in Dutch and would have to get them translated for going home which would cost a fortune. I am trying to get out and about now - just joined an English speaking ante-natal class so hoping to meet people that way.

But I do agree with you that the pregnancy is just making a bad situation a whole lot worse.

Hi Daisy,

just think you only have a few weeks of that stupid job left and then you will be busy making new friends at your ante-natal classes. If they are in English alot of them will be expats probably in the same boat as you, with no friends or family around and will be craving a "coffee buddy".

Have you had any legal advice re; maternity pay. I would also ask about constructive dismissal if the situation at work doesn't improve but not sure how things work out there.

Try and stay positive in the meantime, and cheer yourself up by shopping for the lo, even go for a massage/facial something like that while dh is at work and get him to take you for a nice meal over the weekend.

Hey daisy

i read your message and would like to fferyou the opps to chat or meet. i live i den haag, had a baby 6mths ago and am from the UK. I too feel very sad at times and so know what it is like. i am surviving but i know that it is always nice to make new friends. if you fancy a chat let me know. I only joined mumsnet today so i will probably check it out again tomorrow. Keep our chin up. hope your chat what your hubbie did some good.

Hi Livvilou, I tried to message you too but can't get it through to you. Enable your receive messages from other MNers so I can email you.

Ally x

hi A

enabled the cat facility but dont know if it will work without me subscribing. dont have a credit card with me at the moment, so if it doesnt work will subscribe this eve. hope to hear from you soon.

livx