Gottabesomethingbetterthanthis ·
20/08/2021 21:20
You just get to that point in life when everything seems to be going against you and you don't know how to turn it around, if anything is in your control anyway!
Today I felt I was going to have a breakdown.
We've decided to move up north with hubby's transfer, less money, but half the rent we currently pay. Trying to get a house to rent is like winning the lottery - feels like it's impossible. Time is fast running out and if we can't get somewhere to live then we'll have to postpone transfer until next April (when our current rental contract ends) but then who knows if hubby will be able to get a transfer again. We can't stay where we are because it's just very expensive and money down the drain and as we've already given notice to our landlord that's made him think about putting the house up for sale next year so... what the hell!
I work from home, from my sofa basically, where I sit on my laptop from 9am until 5pm, 6pm, 7pm.. constantly stressed with my job; I just take a break for breakfast and that's it. I hardly ever go out these days, and we've started packing, I can't even get onto the treadmill in the spare room to work out as there are boxes everywhere and I've put on so much weight.
With boxes all around, a mess everywhere because I think I'm slightly depressed i.e. no hoovering done, clothes still on airer, no shopping done, and no sign of a house to rent with ery limited options if things go tits-up, I'm feeling absolutely on edge and hopeless, wishing we'd never started this.
So trying to get some urgent work done today because I've got a really busy week next week, I've had husband at home - I've been asking him to call agencies but he's not 100% fluent English and he always ends up asking me, 'oh can you speak with them.. I don't understand their accent... don't know what to say... your English is better than mine!' (uh... well yeh, I'm English) , which puts such pressure on me all the time. I almost screamed at him today to just man-up and get on with it.
Then my elderly father.. memory lapses.. not eating properly.. stubborn as a mule.. our plan is to buy a house eventually to include him with us. He keeps asking us why we're going up north, why can't we move where he lives despite me telling him over and over why we can't. Very negative and critical about our plans, no interest in what we're doing anyway. He has three points of conversation, weather, what he's doing, the cat. I understand completely.. I care, I'm concerned and anxious that we won't be in a position to get a house for him to come live with us.
Feeling so anxious at the moment.. not sure which way to turn. Almost feel like giving up on everything but I know I can't.. just to stop the wheel from turning in the wrong direction.
Surprise surprise, recently found out I had two great aunts who were mental home patients, both committed suicide. Oh, and a grandfather who tried to gas my grandmother. I know.. that's being a bit dramatic but I have always said to hubby before.. not sure I'm mentally 100%!
Back to the point.. I'm getting exhausted trying to complete my job with its deadlines and pressures, trying to find a house before the end of next month, and then the concerns with my father. My frustration is at an all time high... temper not great (feel bad for hubby but sometimes he could pull his weight a bit more), wish I could just cry but can't even do that because there's too much anxiety!
How does one keep their head above water?