I just don’t want to carry on anymore

[Brt34]

Finding life so hard at the moment. Everything is so on top of me.
In the last 10 years of my life, I’ve lost my mum to a really terrible illness that I watched her suffer from for the previous 2 years (I was only a teenager), dealt with severe stress/emotional abuse from my alcoholic father and dealt with his numerous hospital admissions, lost my grandad (only other family member I was close to) a week before my wedding day which really devastated me. Had essentially a breakdown from stress after that which wasn’t treated correctly and was left virtually housebound with severe panic attacks and nightmares about things that had happened to me. Had various group therapies which didn’t help. Then whilst trying to recover from this, I got very ill and was diagnosed with an autoimmune illness which has been a constant battle to get under control and has involved various unpleasant drug treatments. Last year I got pregnant unexpectedly about 10 days before we went into the first lockdown in March. I really struggled mentally throughout my whole pregnancy and then had my baby the day after we went into lockdown in November. We were totally on our own, no family to help us or too far away too help, I’ve felt alone and struggled. Also have been anxious throughout the entire pandemic and now that we have opened up it’s even worse. Constantly think I have Covid. Have been unwell for 5 weeks (had negative Covid tests) but still feel stressed. It’s all just too much. Everything just feels overwhelming and I see very few good things in life anymore. I’ve had so many different therapies etc, tried anti depressants which didn’t help and made me really ill, I just don’t know where to turn anymore. Does anyone have any advice?

Hi OP, sounds like you have had an incredibly tough time. Losing close family is tough, having a baby is tough, being in lockdown is tough and to be coming with all 3 must have been a nightmare.
I think you need to be kind to yourself and not best yourself up for feeling like this.
You might find CBT helpful, particularly around your Covid anxiety. I have seen very elderly frail patients with Covid senior have survived to tell the tale. Maybe you have had Covid, maybe you might still get it but statistically it is highly unlikely to do you any harm. You need to learn the facts and know your risks and get on with your life accepting that like a three other medical conditions around, there is always a risk but more waiting worrying about.
Are you starting to get out and about with your little one. It would be good to meet other young mum's who have struggled through lockdown.
Is there anyone you can talk too about all this? How you start to feel a bit better over next few weeks. x

@vdbfamily thank you for replying. I’ve had CBT before nothin groups and individually but I’ve never found it helpful. I haven’t met many other mums, feel quite isolated. I have my husband but not really anyone else. Thank you, I hope so too x

Hi OP, so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Sounds incredibly tough. I haven’t had to deal with the same things but can totally empathise with the anxiety and feeling like you can’t carry on. I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it at the moment and the covid crap just adds a whole new layer of worry.

Wish I had some decent advice but just know you’re not alone x

You’ve been through so much it’s absolutely no wonder you’ve had enough. But please for the sake of your child don’t do anything daft. Is your H supportive - both physically and emotionally?

Hopefully now that things have started to open up again you can try and get along to some baby groups and activities to make some new friends. It will take a while to adjust to being able to do these things without worry. I know as someone with an autoimmune disease that covid feels like it could push you over the edge, but you may well have already had it and been asymptotic - I’m pretty sure what I thought was a bad flare up over a year ago was probably covid now I think about it.

If CBT hasn’t helped then please go back to your GP and ask about other options, Medications etc. This is no way to live and you only get one shot at this.

Thank you both. I feel quite alone, dh tries but is quite often preoccupied with work or our baby, feel like we get no time together tbh.
I just feel in despair as nothing ever seems to work for me and I’ve kind of lost hipe