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Will I ever get help?

8 replies

OnTheFookingEdge · 19/08/2021 05:47

I've suffered with mental health problems for as long as I actually remember. I have no happy memories from childhood. I don't remember my mum and dad being together, I remember uncle so and so and I remember mum and dad splitting when I was about 4/5..we moved out of the family home while my dad cried on the sofa straight into another house with mum's partner. A brief period of calm for 3 years or so then all hell broke loose. Physical abuse to my mum, mental abuse to me, then physical abuse also which continued until I left home at 18. I'd been self harming for years before I left home, noone even noticed how screwed up I was, I took an overdose twice, my stepfather just screamed "I hope she fucking dies" as I was taken away in an ambulance. My mum still wouldn't leave him. Years later she would say what an awful teenager I was, how many problems I caused them. I stole money from her to fund taxi fare when I was about 13 so I could get out of that place, see my friends and get back safe yes I admit. I got drunk on the park with my friends to block out what I was feeling because I was scared to go home. This apparently made me an awful teenager.

This has stayed with me for life, I failed all my exams because I was so timid I was bullied at school and would play truant, and had nowhere safe to do homework. But still, I got a job, I found a partner, bought a house. The relationship failed, I guess I was attracted to someone with a similiar background, it didn't bring us together, he bullied me too and was impossible to live with.

I was diagnosed with depression at 19 years old. Since then i've tried every anti depressant available (or so the dr tells me). They dont work because I need more than that. My first counsellor sat and stared at me for the whole appointment..he made me feel uncomfortable so I never saw him again. My second was a lovely woman but the sessions were held at a different venue every time, some out in the sticks and being on a low wage I couldn't afford the transport. Since then i've been fobbed off with mental health nurses who gave me booklets to read and sent me on my merry way (no offence to said nurses, there's only so much they can do), self referred for cbt that doesn't work, time and time again. So this is over 20 years trying to get help. Add to that another abusive relationship, this one causing a near breakdown, mental abuse, stalking, (i'm an easy target for abusers I suppose). I am now waiting to see a psychologist after I begged for help from our local service. I've been on the waiting list for 2 years. My anxiety is now so bad I can't leave the house, I have no life really. I'm wary of everyone, I dont like people in my house (privacy is a huge issue for me, my ex would root through my bill drawer, read my letters, take pictures of me asleep, steal from me..he searched every area of my house to the point I burnt my teenage diaries because it was only a matter of time until he noticed the box in the loft and used it to humiliate me and blackmail me into taking him back every time he cheated).

I'm so tired, I want to feel normal. I carry on, fake confidence, count my blessings, appreciate my children but i'm ashamed..I keep my distance from friends, I tell them very little about my life because it's pathetic. I mean, how do you say "I'm too afraid to leave my house, I sit with the curtains closed because I don't even want my own children to see how ugly I am in daylight". I know it isn't normal, but it's how I feel.

Unless you say you feel suicidal, they dont take you seriously. I've felt it many times but never admitted it because i'm a single mum and I knew child services would have been called, despite the fact I always cared for my dc and hid it from them, they've never been in any danger, in fact, being a mum is the only thing I didn't manage to screw up.

I'm sorry for the ramble. Cant be strong all the time.

OP posts:
CallMeNutribullet · 19/08/2021 07:39

I'm so sorry op, it's Google that you're on the waiting list to see a psychologist but there are things you can do in the meantime.

Look into mental health charities operating in your area who may be able to help you access talking therapy earlier. In your circumstances I'd also contact Woman's Aid. They can refer you not the Freedom course and assign you a caseworker.

Do you take medication? I do longer term and although it's not a fix for your terrible childhood, it keeps me on a reasonably even keel.

CallMeNutribullet · 19/08/2021 07:40

It's good* (still half sleeping)

Ylvamoon · 19/08/2021 07:57

Flowers counselling and medication isn't for everyone. I hope that the psychologist will bring something different to the table that you are able to work with.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but please, please give yourself a stern talking to. Your children deserve a mum that is functioning well, so that they can grow into beautiful adults. Every time you don't leave the house, THEY are winning! Evey time you feel ugly/ unloved THEY are winning.

Evey time you feel something not worth it, THEY are winning.

Don't let your abusers win, fight back by taking little steps each day to be the person you are ment to be.

Sarahlou63 · 19/08/2021 08:09

@OnTheFookingEdge - do some research on "core beliefs". These start developing at 4 years upwards and shape the way we think about ourselves, other people and the wider world. Not surprisingly, given your background, your thoughts about those three groups (which you will believe to be 100% real and true) are negative.

This guide is a good place to start as is

Sarahlou63 · 19/08/2021 08:18

Just found this video as well, I think you'll find it really useful;

Vallmo47 · 19/08/2021 08:27

I’m very sorry to read about your difficult past and present OP. It’s so true that people cannot truly understand until they’ve walked a mile or two in your shoes. But I do also agree with @Ylvamoon in regards to your children- you need to explain how bad you’re feeling so that another vicious circle does not occur.
I’ve been through a lot mental health wise so I’m not saying that to attack you. I had to be locked up at one point, that’s how bad I was considered to be. I fought it at the time but “well me” realises it had to be done to protect the children. I’m not saying that’s the next step for you AT ALL, but you’re not going to lose your children because you admit you have suicidal thoughts. You need to be honest so you get the right support. Flowers

SnoreyDog · 19/08/2021 10:32

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I can't imagine going through this as a mum. You're very strong.

I would recommend reading Pete Walkers book "healing cptsd". I'm not saying that you have cptsd, but I think that it might help you. I grew up in an abusive home, did not develop in many ways and I've found that models that acknowledge the effect of childhood trauma to be useful. In particular, Learning about the nervous system, disassociation and emotional dysregulation helped me. It's undeniable that childhood experiences impact mental health but it is possible to heal.

Also may be worth looking at IFS therapy which I have found to be very helpful. You can do it alone or with a buddy although I think it's recommended to at least have a few sessions with a therapist.

I also follow the holistic psychologist. She has a book called "how to do the work" that I would recommend.

Finally, another great (but potentially triggering and heavy) book is the body keeps the score.

The first step to getting better is acknowledging that things aren't right. And next, acknowledging that your childhood was not healthy/safe.

One last thing, I have found yoga to be immensely healing. I don't do it often enough, but just knowing there is something there that can make me feel balanced and human again is reassuring.

Sorry for the jumble, I hope some of this helps you though. X

Theythinkitsalloveritisnow · 19/08/2021 22:49

Apart from looking for help from HCPs have you ever tried going to a mental health support group? It can be really helpful to just be around people who know where you're coming from and who don't think expect you to just be fine all the time. I have met a couple of good friends but also people who I can relax around when I'm feeling crap

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