I've suffered with mental health problems for as long as I actually remember. I have no happy memories from childhood. I don't remember my mum and dad being together, I remember uncle so and so and I remember mum and dad splitting when I was about 4/5..we moved out of the family home while my dad cried on the sofa straight into another house with mum's partner. A brief period of calm for 3 years or so then all hell broke loose. Physical abuse to my mum, mental abuse to me, then physical abuse also which continued until I left home at 18. I'd been self harming for years before I left home, noone even noticed how screwed up I was, I took an overdose twice, my stepfather just screamed "I hope she fucking dies" as I was taken away in an ambulance. My mum still wouldn't leave him. Years later she would say what an awful teenager I was, how many problems I caused them. I stole money from her to fund taxi fare when I was about 13 so I could get out of that place, see my friends and get back safe yes I admit. I got drunk on the park with my friends to block out what I was feeling because I was scared to go home. This apparently made me an awful teenager.
This has stayed with me for life, I failed all my exams because I was so timid I was bullied at school and would play truant, and had nowhere safe to do homework. But still, I got a job, I found a partner, bought a house. The relationship failed, I guess I was attracted to someone with a similiar background, it didn't bring us together, he bullied me too and was impossible to live with.
I was diagnosed with depression at 19 years old. Since then i've tried every anti depressant available (or so the dr tells me). They dont work because I need more than that. My first counsellor sat and stared at me for the whole appointment..he made me feel uncomfortable so I never saw him again. My second was a lovely woman but the sessions were held at a different venue every time, some out in the sticks and being on a low wage I couldn't afford the transport. Since then i've been fobbed off with mental health nurses who gave me booklets to read and sent me on my merry way (no offence to said nurses, there's only so much they can do), self referred for cbt that doesn't work, time and time again. So this is over 20 years trying to get help. Add to that another abusive relationship, this one causing a near breakdown, mental abuse, stalking, (i'm an easy target for abusers I suppose). I am now waiting to see a psychologist after I begged for help from our local service. I've been on the waiting list for 2 years. My anxiety is now so bad I can't leave the house, I have no life really. I'm wary of everyone, I dont like people in my house (privacy is a huge issue for me, my ex would root through my bill drawer, read my letters, take pictures of me asleep, steal from me..he searched every area of my house to the point I burnt my teenage diaries because it was only a matter of time until he noticed the box in the loft and used it to humiliate me and blackmail me into taking him back every time he cheated).
I'm so tired, I want to feel normal. I carry on, fake confidence, count my blessings, appreciate my children but i'm ashamed..I keep my distance from friends, I tell them very little about my life because it's pathetic. I mean, how do you say "I'm too afraid to leave my house, I sit with the curtains closed because I don't even want my own children to see how ugly I am in daylight". I know it isn't normal, but it's how I feel.
Unless you say you feel suicidal, they dont take you seriously. I've felt it many times but never admitted it because i'm a single mum and I knew child services would have been called, despite the fact I always cared for my dc and hid it from them, they've never been in any danger, in fact, being a mum is the only thing I didn't manage to screw up.
I'm sorry for the ramble. Cant be strong all the time.