SAHM and feel like a pointless human being

[iliketoeateateat]

I've always had anxiety and depression, but was additionally diagnosed with adhd late last year.

I am a SAHM to DD2 and am 21 weeks pregnant with dc3. DSS9 lives with us. DH wage just about covers our outgoings by the skin of our teeth, but we are slowly falling into debt as we never quite make it to the end of the month and fall further into our overdraft.

I feel like a total waste of space. I spend my day waiting for the kids bedtime and then I just go to bed myself and watch Netflix, and wait for the next day, which is the same all over again. I don't drive, and I can't afford to relearn and take a test, as well as having extreme anxiety about driving (I did learn as a teenage and failed my test 3 times). I am exhausted with my pregnancy and I feel like a total failure of a mother to my children. My 2 year old watches tv for a stupid amount of the day - I see all my friends taking their children out for walks and doing all of these amazing things, I'm not the kind to be able to get on the floor with them and play. I live quite far from anything and need to drive to be able to get anywhere, I could get a bus but I have a severe anxiety about public transport. I am totally reliant on DH for everything from shopping to getting out. I feel like a child. My house needs sorting and I've suddenly become totally fixated on every single patch of dust but am too tired to do anything about it so just sit here looking at it and thinking about how lazy I am.

I don't know how to get out of my head about all of this. I feel like a waste of space and am struggling to see the 'point' in my days/life. I've convinced myself the children hate me and so will this new baby - how on earth I'm going to cope when it's here I don't know.

I don't know what to do and could really do with an outsiders perspective. Thanks if you got this far.

Love, you need work! As soon as you/ the baby are up for it after they're born.

No wonder you're bored!

Yes I agree @Zarene. I am not qualified in anything so will only be an admin type job but that feels so much less stressful to think about than looking after my toddler

Oh wow. That sounds really hard. Does your step son go to his mother's at all?

What is your husband like? Supportive? In denial about how tough it is for you?

Have you been to the GP?

If you can’t drive or use public transport, you’re basically trapped. Could you look at moving closer to a town or city? Are there toddler groups nearby?

Another one that says you need to get back to work as soon as possible. Being a SAHM isn't working for you or your children.. You and them don't appear to be stimulated enough. A lot of people get their sense of purpose and validation from being a SAHM as its a full time job, but it doesn't appear to be that way for you. Perhaps feeling like you're contributing financially might help with your feelings of validation..it's hard, but I don't think being a SAHM is right for you. What does your husband think.

@iliketoeateateat Firstly, I want to tell you that you are not a pointless human being at all. You are a mommy and although it can be hard and it sounds like you are quite low at the moment. Your children don't hate you, they probably act up a lot for you, but to them you are their whole world, their everything!!

Please reach out and don't be afraid to ask for help, go to your GP or mention that you are struggling at your next MW appointment.

Also, I know you say you live far away from places to take the kids to. but just go out for fresh air and just walk to wherever. I heard someone say to me once that a 20 minute walk can lift your spirits and release energy for 12 hours and can help with depression.

Please be kind to yourself ❤️ xxx

You may need to call a GP.

But also it is good to just get all the kids and get out of the house for a walk or to the local playground. When I was really down that helped me and is fantastic for the kids. It can be hard but just getting out the door is beneficial

@OJandacupoftea my stepson sees his mum regularly at the moment and she appears to be doing very well. However this could turn at any moment and is a source of anxiety for me as she is extremely unpredictable.

I am on sertraline for my anxiety and depression and waiting for a referral to the perinatal team.

@AgentProvocateur we live as centrally as we can afford and close to my step sons school which is a priority

@Pebbledashery my husband agrees that I should go back to work ASAP. I'm not sure though that having two children in nursery is going to be viable money wise - I don't have any qualifications so won't be able to get any kind of high paying job, so will most likely be breaking even rather than contributing financially.

@FirstTimeMommy2021 Thankyou for your lovely words ❤️ they mean a lot. I rarely take my daughter out without my husband at the moment and I think that's definitely knocked my confidence

I know you said you have anxiety when it comes to driving. But learning to drive would give you SO much more freedom.

Do you have anybody who could sit with you to learn?
You could take the kids out, give them lots more stimulation.
And when you and your kids are ready how about a part time job? That will break the week up a bit. My DD is 9 months old and I work 3 days a week. She gets so much stimulation and lots of activities at the childminder. She loves it.

Do you have good public transport around you to get to work / go to interviews etc?
If not, set yourself a challenge. By X date I want to pass my test.

Have you spoken to the GP about your anxiety at all? Set yourself with little challenges and build up to retaking your test. (Obvs if you have good public transport around that's good, but it's so much easier and gives you lots of freedom to drive.) especially if you wanted to go back to work.

@Dandy0911

My life would change so much if I could drive - I HATE depending on DH and my family to get me anywhere, and I hate how useless it makes me feel. We do have good public transport - maybe that's a starting point for me. I could build my confidence back up and get on a bus again. I suppose I could also ask to borrow my mums car to learn in with dh and ask her to have dc.

My daughter is incredibly outgoing and loves being outdoors. Basically the total opposite to me.

Well you have a couple of starting points there.

This time next month I want to have taken 2 bus trips to the park etc.

This time next week I want to sort out insurance on my car.

This time next month I want to have my provisional licence on the way.

By October I want to have had 3 hours driving lessons or someone sat by me.

Etc etc

Start ticking off a goal list. Once you've hit one or two it'll make you feel so much better and you'll want to do more.

You need more stimulation and no doubt your children / step children do as well. They need to be out the house and be doing things as they can't sit at home all day everyday. And it'll do you good too to get out and about.

You have good public transport and your mum has a car you could learn in. You have good options and starting points there. You just need to build up the courage. Do it for the children, they especially if your DD loves being outside.

:)

Only you can break this cycle and you can do it! Nothing is stopping you apart from your own mind.

Me control and make little goals. It'll get much better if you can do that. Baby steps at your own pace.

Yes @Dandy0911 I know it's down to me. My children are my world, and my love for them is why I feel so down on myself about this. I know they deserve better.

You definitely need a job. In a childminder setting your kids will get up to engaging activities, you will be able to contribute financially and your day will have more of a purpose than being in the house. Obviously you are heavily pregnant right now but I would prioritise work as soon as you are able. Good luck!

I think you need something outside of the home to keep you busy.
A job, or some volunteering, to give you some purpose. When will your older child qualify for free childcare hours?
Find out how much a childminder will be and find a job which will cover that.

A child minder would be cheaper than nursery for your 2, you'd also get help with government funding and tax free childcare so don't write if off totally.

It sounds like you’ve got yourself in a funk and you need clear actions to get yourself out of it.

Doing stuff breeds motivation so make a list and stick to it!

Right now - get off Mumsnet and go and clean a patch of dust.

Tomorrow - go for a 20 min walk with the kids

By the end of the week - play a game with the kids for 30 mins instead of tv

Etc etc. Make some longer term goals about driving / getting a job but break it down into tangible actions.

Make sure you get fresh air everyday and have a chat with your GP as well :)

@SuchaCatchySong
Any chance you've got Apples & Bananas stuck in your head too? #cocomelonhastakenovermyhouse 🤪