Embarrassed by Late night emotional breakdown.

[Oliv1990]

I was a wreck yesterday. Had slipped back into depressive episode after only being out of it for a few weeks but then thinking everything was great and I was better, so it hit hard. By 9pm last night I was crying hysterically and almost begging out loud for someone to come and help me despite being alone, because I felt like I was going to kill myself and I truly don’t want to die. I tried calling three different friends, messaged them, just desperate for someone to come and be with me. I know this isn’t fair on them or what they should have to do but i didn’t know what else to do. Yes there are helplines but it’s not having someone there. I feel guilt for even calling.

One of them answered and came at 11. I cried and we talked and I was just a mess and by the end I felt better we were talking more normally having a laugh but I woke up this morning feeling so embarrassed and ashamed and how will they ever look at me without pity again? And that sends me back down. It’s so hard. How do you get out of that spiral?

Flip the situation. If your friend had reached out to you when she was in a dark place and you had responded the way she did, would you feel pity for her this morning or would you feel relief that you'd been able to be there for her?

That’s true thank you. I just hate that I have made people worry about me and when they suggest things like seeing my therapist which I am going to do, I feel like it’s partly because they want me to feel better but also because I’m a burden on them and they don’t want to have to deal with it. I want to see my therapist but I also want my friends support without them being stressed or worried because of me

I feel the same. My lifelong school friends saw me break down and on the floor. I ended up in hospital after an overdose. I never want to feel that bad again. However, they continue to offer support, one in particular and I shall be eternally grateful to her. Some ran for the hills and hardly bother with me so you just never know. I am going through a divorce at 61 so I know I am going to need strong women around me. Friends offer a different kind of support because they aren't objective. A therapist offers a more clinical view and with detachment. Both are good and needed. Don't feel ashamed because there but by the grace of God!

It’s weird when I’m in this space all I think about is other people whether it’s how they’re perceiving me, whether or not they care, what they might be saying about me to other people. I feel better than last night but looking back on it it’s like I was drunk, like a different person, with how bad I was. Literally desperate. Wanting to take my life but not wanting to die, just wanting to never feel like this again. I feel so scared about what’s wrong with me and why that happened but I was ok today, not buzzing, tired and a bit dazed but not really sad. It doesn’t feel normal or like my depression used to. It’s more manic and the downward spiral is so much more overwhelming and dramatic

Yes. You obviously exhausted yourself and you're bound to be exhausted today. Are you on any medication? I am on 3 different ones and they have really helped. I have been able to cut them down to small doses now. They stabilised my moods and allowed me to get back on some sort of even keel.