"Are you okay"

[MrsWorriedMother]

Just want someone to say to me are you okay occasionally.

Back story .... grew up in a household where we were never told we were loved. Not abusive but just not particularly loving. My sister had special needs and my brother was the blue eyed boy so I never really felt a real part of the family so to speak.

Fast forward a few years and my brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when he was about 17 and I am two years younger than him so pretty much from age 15 onwards my life involved police calling to section him, stabbing a neighbour, almost stabbing my dad and many more incidents. There really was no room in my parents head for me as they were too busy with my brother and my sister who has learning diffs.

I left home at 24 and moved in with my now husband. Have been married 25 years. It is a happy marriage but for one thing. My husband never ever asks if I'm okay and I don't feel loved and looked after by him. He is in no way abusive and we get on but he is just not very good with emotions. (He had his own problems with his family which is where I think this stems from )

Anyway I am now in a position where I am carer for my elderly bed bound mother, my scizophrenic brother and my sister as well as a full time job and two exam age children who I am trying to keep on track. One of which failed his a-levels mocks so trying to get him to take his re-sits seriously so he can stay on another year.

I have close friends but that will never be the same as family.

My mum was in hospital recently an hour away and I have been visiting every day after work. I was not long home from the hospital when my sister rang and said she had run out of her medication which she needs to take every night so had to get back in the car and drive two hour round trip to bring her medication.

I feel like I have literally got the weight of the world on my shoulders at the moment and just want someone occasionally to acknowledge this. I know I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself today but I'm exhausted.

I know nobody can help really but just needed to vent.

Thanks for listening.

Handholding until someone with better words comes along

@bearlyactive
Thank you

You need to speak to your husband and say ‘While I’m looking after we were one else, I need you to look after me’

It’s almost like they can’t see it.

I have a serious and complex mental illness and my sibling has schizophrenia. Sibling has a care team and lives in a semi supported setting. To ease some pressure can this not be the case for your siblings? I think you have the weight of the world to contend with and you need some support.

First you need to tell your husband exactly what you need. It can be very hard to do if you're not used to being assertive but you need to give him the opportunity to change.

I did this with my ex husband and he'd change for a while but he'd always slip back and in the end I just got tired of having to ask for my needs to be met all the time. But yours might be different, maybe he doesn't realise he's not supporting you in the way you need,

For me it's less lonely to be alone than to be with someone who lets you down.

@putthebinsout
I have had several conversations with him over the years. Nothing changes. He works really hard, helps around the house loads but he has never been emotionally supportive. For me at the moment this is not a marriage ender. Altho I understand why it would be for some.

@fantasmasgoria1
He is pretty much stable the past few years but it's just one more thing on my shoulders.

Five phone calls on the trot within an hour, one trying to sort my mums care, one from social services about re-housing my sister and one from my brothers neighbour asking if he is okay as he hasn't seen him for a while.

It's just mentally exhausting. Normally I just get on with it but today it is exhausting me. I will probably be okay again tomorrow.

My goodness, you have a lot on your plate. 💐

I agree it’s not much to ask to think loved ones might ask ‘Are you ok?’ from time to time. Presumably you look from the outside as though you’re managing everything very well, so it’s become easy for your husband to assume you are coping just fine. If you tell him you’re overwhelmed, how will he respond?

I find my husband doesn’t necessarily ‘notice’ when I’m overwhelmed so I have to explicitly tell him. Then he’s great- will go and buy me some chocolate or offer to cook dinner or run me a bath- just little things that help me feel nurtured. But only if I pretty much spell it out that I need it.

Hopefully your DH might respond to a nudge too.

Sorry, I’ve just read your follow-up posts. I see you’ve tried letting him know and he hasn’t responded in a way that’s helpful for you. 😞

Op you have my sympathy and empathy. I only have the one sibling but at times they have generated as much work as several. At one stage I was getting several phone calls a day asking to please come to the hospital, or can i do this or that, can I calm them down etc. Because of my own mental health I stepped back and said that I will visit etc but the care team needs to attend to it all as that their Job. I got to the point I was exhausted from all the running around, I was always crying and stressed. You need to look after yourself op. They just cannot rely on you indefinitely as there is only so much you can take. Like I said your siblings with have professionals involved with them that need to do everything.