I fell out with a best friend recently because I was going through a depressive period and I was difficult and I don’t blame her for giving up. But she was one of three in a close group and now I’m pushing away the others because I can’t cope with how difficult it is to have that situation of me and her not talking anymore, the feeling I’ve ruined the group, I’ve made things awkward and rubbish for everyone. And seeing them all together without me reminds me of what I’ve lost and why I lost it and that it’s because of how awful I am. I changed my medication and had been doing ok, well even, and now I’m falling again and I can’t do it like this anymore. The only thing stopping me from ending my life is the guilt of how my family would feel. But it feels like a choice between me living miserably and lonely forever vs. My parents grieving me forever. I just can’t take it. I’ve had therapy. ChNged medication again. Been honest and open with my friends about how bad it was last time but I can’t do it again. I’ve literally told them I don’t think it’s going to work anymore, literally pushing them away. I regret it now but also don’t think there’s anything else I could do. Im a mess.