Help needed for really depressing and heartbreaking situation

[Uhu]

A few months ago, I heard from a childhood friend of mine who I had not seen for many years. She had bumped into my mother in the High St and my mother knowing that we had been good friends in the past, gave her my details. Anyway, we decided to meet up and catch up on the good old days and give her an opportunity to meet my DH and my baby twins.

During our conversation, I sensed that all was not well with her and at an appropriate time I asked her if everything was alright. She burst out crying and said that she had to leave. I told her to contact me if she needed someone to talk to in confidence. Well this weekend, she turned up on my doorstep in a very distressed state. DH looked after the twins whilst I spent time with her. After a while, when she had calmed down a little, she confessed what had happened to her in all those years we had lost contact.

Between the ages of 4 and 12, she had been sexually abused by her step-brother (mother's son from another relationship) who was 15 years older than her. The abuse had stopped when he fell out with his mother due to some criminal activity and he was not allowed in the house anymore. He had threatened to kill her if she ever told anbody and that God would kill also. When she was 19 years old, she plucked up the courage to tell her mother what had happened but her mother did not believe her and told her never to mention it again to anybody. As a result, she has never again spoken of it but it has tormented her for most of her adult life in that she is unable to sustain a relationship. She moved away from her family because that step-brother had come back on the scene and her mother sees him regularly. What's even more worrying is that he is now a father and grandfather of girls.

Now she is 38 years old and does not want to go through life without having her own children. In order to do that, she wants to meet someone and get married. She does not know how to move on. I could not give her any helpful advice because I was still in shock about what she had confessed. One thing I did mention is that she should consider going to the police. However, she does not think that anybody would believe her because it happened nearly 30 years ago and it would be her word against his.

I would be grateful for any advice that you may have that I can give to my friend to help her move on with her life. In addition, I have concerns about her nieces and their children. Is there some way that she can contact social services anoymously about her step-brother? If there is, how can I persuade her to contact them? I don't know this paedophile, thank goodness, otherwise, I would do it myself.

Any advice will be gratefully received. I will not be able to respond for several hours because both my DSs have high temperatures, runny noses, very bad chesty coughs and are crying all the time so thank you in advance for your help.

I'm really sorry to hear this and sorry but I don't have any constructive advice, other than to say that I'm sure she can dtill go to the police as I seem to remember a few similar cases recently. I think you're being a good friend and she'll be glad to have you. I also think it's important that you talk to someone you trust about this as it is a lot to take on board
{{}}

Ok first of all good on you for being such a good friend and shoulder to cry on. You MUST persuade her to go to the police - show her this it might help. My Mums next door neighbour lived with her father and her uncle. My mum has lived next to them for almost 15 years now. I always used to be quite rude and ignore them because I found them quite creepy lol. About 3 years ago the uncle was arrested and imprisoned for 4 or 5 years because he had abused one of his daughter about 20 or 30 years ago and she finally had the courage to go to the police. He was is in his 70's but they still arrested him and sent him down. She must go to the police - if for nothing else for the sake of those dear children. If you want me to find out exactly what happened and how just give me a shout and I'll ask my mum.

there are usually local help groups / phoen lines or child line may be able to help you r friend come to terms with what has happenned - or find a way of coping - she can report him to social services anonomously and they should investigate as can the police as it may be that his children / grandchildren are viewed to be at risk . big hugs to you both - hope the ds'are feeling better soon

I would contact the local Police and speak to them in confidence first as well as Victim Support - poor friend.

Uhu, thats an awfully sad story. I think your friend needs to have some sort of therapy to allow her to discuss what happened to her to a stranger, she needs to be able to talk about it and to try to come to terms with it - I know that sounds like simplistic bull...t but I think she needs to be listened to - maybe CRISIS might be a good starting point? They might also be able to give her advice on her nieces?
Her mothers reaction to the news was horrendous but back in those days she probably had no idea what to do/say. Its such an awful thing to happen and then have to bear it on her own for so long,I really do hope she can find help.

I have no experience of this at all.
My gut reaction is, however, that your friend should do 2 things - seek counselling so that she can get on with her life at peace with herself and also that wanker needs punishing. It doesn't matter that it was so long ago. He put her through hell and she is still suffering. But it'a easy for me to say go to the police. She's got to go through it. But it would probably in the long run help her to move on, knowing that he had been punished for what he did.
I have a feeling she will be leaning on you for a while. And that can be hard for you as well as her. Hope you both get through this.

There are a number of organisations which can help either with counselling (which it sounds as though she desperately needs) and advice on how to proceed with reporting the abuse.

Victim Support
Cranmer House
39 Brixton Road
London
SW9 6DZ

Tel: 020 7735 9166
Victim Supportline: 0845 30 30 900 (Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; Sat-Sun 9am-7pm)
Fax: 020 7582 5712
E-mail: [email protected]
Website: www.victimsupport.org.uk

Victim Support provides free advice and support to all victims of crime through a network of branches. The Witness Service, operating in every criminal court, offers support and information before, during and after a trial.

Rape Crisis Federation
Unit 7 Provident Works
Newdigate Street
Nottingham
NG7 4FD

Tel: 0115 900 3560
Helpline: 0115 900 3560 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm).
E-mail: [email protected]
Website:www.rapecrisis.co.uk

The Rape Crisis Federation has a number of centres providing counselling, support and information for the victims of rape and sexual assault. The Federation can also provide a volunteer to accompany a client to a police station, court, hospital or clinic.

Women Against Rape
PO Box 297
London
NW6 5QU

Tel: 020 7482 2496
Helpline: 020 7482 2496 (Mon-Fri 1.30-4pm)
Fax: 020 7209 4761
E-mail: [email protected]
Website: womenagainstrape.net

Women Against Rape offers counselling, support and advice to women and girls who have suffered rape or sexual assault.

Hope one of these can offer support to your friend.

I think it's fantastic that she found she could confide so much that she had never told anyone for so long. It screams to me that she is overflowing with the need to talk about it. Thank goodness you were there for her just at the right time. Agree with everyone re counsellors etc.

Men who abuse children do not change, they just are just taught how to manage their urges, not that they are successful in doing so. She must go to the Police for her own peace of mind and to stop him from doing this to other children.
SHe does also need councelling and professional help to help her move on. A horrid horrid story of suffering which is sooooo unnecessary.

Hope you are feeling OK Uhu. You did exactly the right thing for her and even if she decides not to do anything else at this stage I'm sure it helped her so much to have someone to talk to who could share the burden of such horrible knowledge.

UHU you must be SUCH a good person for her to want to confide in your like this. I agree that you should encourage her to talk to someone professional (counsellor) about this. Perhaps your local branch of the mental health charity MIND might be able to also give you or her some advice about what to do next. Good luck and hugs.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I have passed on the details about the organisations that my friend can contact because she really does need to get professional help. At the moment, she cannot bear the thought of speaking to anyone about this because she is so ashamed of what happened. She blames herself because she feels that she should have said no and should have told her mother to stop it from happening. I tried to make her understand that she is the victim and that as a child, she had no control over the situation. Paedophiles know this and that's why they get away with things like this. She has promised to contact social service with regard to her nieces but will only do so anoymously.

Personally, I think she urgently needs help for herself but I can only advise her. She has to take the first steps herself but if she wants me to go with her, I will. I hope she makes the right decision. Thank you all again for your advice. Something like this really makes my problems look insignificant.

Uhu im so sorry to hear about your friend, thank god she has you. Your so right she should report him to the police it's nerver to late.

At the same time she should seek help from professional's, if you like i can speak to my sister she work's for the police.

If you want me to find out any advice please ask and i can speak to her.

Thanks MUSA. I'll bear that in mind. She is very frightened about reporting it because of the resulting consequences on herself, mother and rest of the family. It will take time but I know that she will do the right thing in the end.

Uhu well im here if you need any advice from sis.