I'm 36 years old and have spent most of my life feeling different and incredibly alone. I didn't grow up in a loving household, and received very little love/affection from my parents (who were both physically and mentally abusive).
I've never had a long-term relationship - 6 months is about the max I've managed. I have a history of self-sabotage when it comes to relationships/friendships as a result of feeling intense emotions and my inability to regulate/cope with these.
Upon reflection earlier this year, I came to realise that there is a lot of childhood trauma that I've deliberately avoided speaking about or addressing. I've suffered low self-esteem all of my life, and hate being me. I self-diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago as I could relate to the symptoms/behaviours attributed with the disorder. I started a course of CBT which I feel provided short-term relief but for me wasn't a long-term solution.
It was a chance conversation with a friend in which I mentioned that I frequently partake in 'maladaptive daydreaming' as a form of disassociation, to which she asked if I was in fact suffering from c-ptsd. A week later, Pete Walker's book arrived in the post. A gift from the same friend who wanted me to explore whether c-ptsd was the cause. It felt like I was reading a book written about me.
After 6 months of struggling through, and feeling like I'm at breaking point, I've finally decided I need to call my GP and see if I can start taking Sertaline again (I've used this on and off since I was 18 with maybe 3-4 year gaps in between) - but to also ask if I can be assessed for c-ptsd. Can the GP diagnose this? If not, what is the best route for diagnosis?
I haven't got the slightest clue on who would be best placed to treat somebody in my condition. I've read about EDMR and reviews seem promising, though I worry it would be better suited to those suffering from PTSD. I don't have individual bad memories that stick out, I seem to have hundreds which can relate to a simple horrible comment that was made - this was the norm for me and I seem to have stored them all.
Do I need to see a psychotherapist, or a trauma counsellor? Not even sure what the difference is. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm happy to go the private route, and would welcome suggestions from anybody in the London area (I'm in SE London). My fear is that my GP may put me in touch with CBT specialists. I've tried mindful techniques/meditation/yoga for the last 6 months but nothing has helped. I'm so consumed by the pain that it's a daily struggle to be able to switch it off. Nothing is able to distract me from how I feel.