Just so SICK of being mentally ill

[93sdb]

Im lucky. It doesn't spring all the time but when it does fuck me. I've been okay for months and months then boom downhill and its peaking now. Back on medication. Back to two weeks of hell.

Sick of questioning my own judgement and not being able to listen to my gut. Sick of not eating properly and forcing food down or binging (I haven't got a disorder). Sick of poor sleep and always feeling tired. Sick of being desperate to go home when I'm out but feel awful when I'm home. Sick of questioning everyone's motives. Sick of rationalising then questioning that. Sick of waking up the next day after I've tried to talk to my partner but end up blowing up cause I'm questioning. Sick of feeling like I am shit at everything. Sick of making plans but being too anxious to do it. Sick of feeling exhausted and destroyed.

Sorry all needed a rant. I'm safe and will continue trying and not giving up. Just had enough today.

If it's any consolation, you write extremely well

Do you know what triggered this slide? Has the medication helped in past? Have you had counselling alongside?

It's a shit show, isn't it? But you are still surviving it, so maybe take some time out to really feel your own ability to keep going. You're not alone in how you feel. I hope you have someone in real life who you can talk to about all this, because your written articulation of it is, I agree, really powerful.

We are born and we do not get to choose how we look or act. We are sort of pre-programmed. What is a skill however is learning to accept who you are and to love yourself. Know your limits and work with them.

It sounds easy but sometime you need to step away or push yourself to find out what makes you tick and to learn our limits. It sounds like when you are out you want to be there but social situations are tricky and you should find a friend who understands that. We all have moments when we feel overwhelmed but knowing what to do when that happens is key. If the music and people overwhelm, go to the bar or pop to the toilet for some you time.

They say that by having high expectations we put stress on ourselves. By lowing these expectations or not having any at all can help to surprise ourselves to remove this.

May be trying breathing deeply if things get to much and take a moment to step away. If plans are making you too anxious it's because you are over thinking things. Easy to do!

Try more simple things and then learn to shut that little voice out that says what if I get there and no one is there, what do I do? Or will I say something silly. Find a voice in yourself that says screw it I can either sit at home moping or try. I would imagine once you are there it's fine but it's the before bit which is difficult.

Thanks everyone its really nice to read. I've only just checked my rant again now. I've managed to go out today with my friend and even let him drive so I didn't have an escape route - my anxiety went up and down but I mostly had a good time.

Definitely keep trying and keep trying again. My medication is doing a lot of this I'm just waiting for it to stabilise. Tomorrow is a new day x