How can I help my adult daughter?

[LostGirl2001]

We have been going through the mill for about 7 years now. This may be long...

DD is 19, 20 this November. She's suffered from depression/anxiety since she was 12/13, been on various anti depressants long term. Diagnosed as autistic at 16.

We are struggling. She didn't really manage school. Didn't manage college. Can't manage a job (is on the brink of getting sacked from current job which is washing up in a kitchen, hasn't been there long) . Has just split up from her boyfriend and is suicidal, police out twice in the last week because she ran off to kill herself. She has no friends except 2 but they're not free that often and live in a different town. Heavily dependent on members of my family for company/support. I do all the running round after her, ordering her medication, liaising with doctors etc. She won't engage with any additional support. She smokes weed and drinks too much. Literally does nothing for herself/anyone.

I just don't know how we've ended up here. My DH is not her dad, but her own dad was never in her life and my DH is all she's known. She's had no trauma in her life, she had a lovely upbringing with lots of love, activities, holidays, she had a great group of friends etc. We are a VERY stable family, husband and I both hard workers, don't really drink etc. I have a younger DD who is 11, very sensitive with some issues of her own, this is affecting her and I feel the need to protect her from this.

What can I do? I am at breaking point, I am carrying the mental load for both of my DDs along with my own stuff (I am a student currently so also trying to study/work), DH is great but older DD will not speak to him.

Our local mental health services are dire anyway, but I cannot get her to even engage with them. She does take her medication. There has to be more to life than this.

Sorry I have no answers but wanted to offer sympathy. Currently going through hell with DS (started a thread about it)
I don't know what the answers are. What someone else said rang true. DS has to realise himself that only he can help himself. He drinks too much and knows it, but carries on.
Your DD is younger, but I had to pay privately for counselling as the NHS waiting list was dire.
I just try to be there for DS, listen to him, hug him etc but it's so tough.

Have you called the mental health crisis team? You can ask for advice. Or at the time when she is in immediate danger ie suicidal you could try and get her sectioned if you think that would help. It may at least shield her from the effects of cannabis in the short term and may help her get support.

Thank you to both above posters. She did speak to the crisis team yesterday which seemed to help, they've left a num er for the future if she needs it. I've told her that she has no option but to engage with some help and have booked her an appointment with the depression and anxiety service.

This is now having wider implications as my husband told me he had been considering leaving and taking our younger daughter with him, to shield her from this. And I wouldn't blame him (or stop him!), it's really damaging her and I can see that.

As an adult autistic who was late diagnosed, I would disagree with the statement of she has had no trauma in her life. It may not be obvious but growing up through childhood/early teens without a diagnosis can add a lot of hidden trauma/challenges that may not be apparent to someone neurotypical.

There is a book that has just come out called "Drama Queen" by Sara Gibbs, much as it is written in a comedic style it would be good to read and understand.

I would be suggesting support as well but ensuring they are a therapist who is autistic aware and can support from that aspect. She sounds like I did at this age, I didn't complete any school after GCSE's due to my executive functioning challenges.

I was depressed/suicidal as I was trying to be someone/something I literally couldn't be, I had imposter syndrome from trying to mask and fit in and live to everyone else's expectations of what and how I was meant to achieve. I also couldn't explain how differently I was experiencing the world as I had no comparison. By my late teens I had built a view and belief of myself that I was so many negative labels that people had given me, lazy, failing, rude, daydreaming, intelligent but does use it, doesn't apply herself and so many more.

Apologies I hit send too early,

I would also suggest finding an autistic peers group, either online or in real life. There are many on Facebook for her to join but hearing other people's journeys has helped enormously with self-realisation and acceptance of who I am.

For instance, for me (and each of us experience the world differently) lazy was a label applied when I couldn't go somewhere or refused to do an activity. What I wasn't explaining or able to explain was that my sensory challenges meant that going to the shops/on the hike/out if it was raining, meant that it was almost painful to do so.

I hear all sounds at the same level, nothing fades into the background so I overload in trying to sift through the noise, hear what people are saying and can't block out all the shopping centre noise for instance. Imagine sitting in a cafe, hearing 9 tables of conversation at the same time as loudly as each other whilst the rattling of cups/plates makes you jump out of your skin every time but also having to sit properly, listen to the person across from you and act "normally" That is just the hearing aspect of the sensory challenges I didn't even realise I was having as I thought I was experiencing the world the same as everyone else and blamed myself as everyone else seemed to function in the world perfectly fine.