Anxious about overworked dp

[Winenota]

Just so anxious. We’ve been trough loads and Dh is ver depressed. He tends to work ridiculously hard, says he has to, and eventually get tired and cross. Which I feel is happening again. He says he’ll phone a therapist, but is always too busy.
He says Things like, ‘another day to get through’ and says ‘the secret is not to care. ‘ I find I no longer want to spend that much time with him as he only talks about his job and it’s exhausting. He does try, but he’s getting into the resentful phase, I think, and I feel, or maybe I just imagine it and feel so guilty.
I get so anxious and feel so guilty as I’ve got a €10 an hour job which he says is beneath me and I’m not trying. I’m trying to start a side hustle which he is finally encouraging as he sees now it could earn, but then he says,’ it ought to, it hasn’t brought any money in yet’ which makes me feel a lot mor rubbish than I should. He doesn’t seem to value the work I do do , house or otherwise.
but I’m so anxious. What if it doesn’t earn? I feel so guilty too. I do everything else, so that he can work. That seems enormous too, we need various tradesmen. And that’s scary.But I think kids missing out - other families seem to have a laugh. also so worried abou my side of the family.
Got no savings and am very worried about the future.
Sorry, it just seems like an endless struggle and I’m exhausted with it all.
How can I change something? I’m seeing a counsellor once a month, which was helping, but it’s a long time to the next month. Last I talked to her, I was all excited positive about side hustle and almost as soon as I put the phone down, I felt so anxious. Just so tired of this. Any suggestions to change things very welcome. Thanks.

That's a huge burden of anxiety, guilt and worry you are carrying - you must be exhausted.

Can I ask what, specifically, you feel anxious about? And the same for the guilt, what are you guilty of? It would help you to write bullet points for each emotion so that you can unpick the details.

Thanks Sarahlou63 I’ll give that a go.

Have a look at this guide to cognitive distortions - I think it will help you a lot.

I think you need to decide to spend quality time together for the sake of your relationship. No talking about work. Free or cheap. A funny movie. Walk round a park. Trip to the beach for an icecream. His attitude is to work now, play later and thats a dangerous one to have because you never know what is round the corner. Have more fun. Life is too short.

He wants you to contribute more equally but I think you need an honest conversation about the value of what you do contribute and how you can share some of the mental load, which in turn means you can focus more on growing your side hustle.

You also need a business plan with timescales for your side hustle.

Not having savings is a scary place to be, can you pause some of your expenditure to build up a buffer, or scale anything down so you can start somewhere?

Thanks guys. Just had umm, not a row, but he’s told me he’s going to get fired as he can’t do this job, I need to be bringing in a lot. Am so tired of being anxious. I say, if you think that, join a union, get insurance, see a counsellor, take steps. But he won’t. He says I need to get on with my side hustle and bring a a fortune.He doesn’t seem to see that while he works or relaxes, I’m doing this while running a home. Which is fine, except he says I can’t t do. A £10 shop job as it’s not worth my while. I should focus on side hustle , and makes a big deal of getting the shopping in - I have to go with him- so that’s more wasted time.
We can scale down, but he wants the best of everything. Not actually sure he is very practical.

Has he been told he is going to be fired (which would be rather unusual) or is he surmising? Your suggestion are practical, but it's up to him to be proactive - if he won't then that's his choice and he needs to face the consequences of his own (in)action; which includes living life within his means.

Why doesn't he take over the 'side hustle' and bring in a fortune? Surely that would make more sense if he's going to be out of a job.

Thanks Sarahlou63 . So good to hear you guys are out there! Feeling a bit alone tbh.
He’s doing a job in an area that’s new to him so he’s had to do a lot of catching up with people who are younger with knowledge in this new area. So very challenging for him and all respect etc.
I don’t think he’s been told he’ll be fired. I’m wondering if it’s coinciding with me wanting to visit my family. I think this has maybe happened before. He said he thinks he’ll get fired, we’ll have to sell, but we can’t afford anywhere else, and it’s all basically un solvable.
I find My anxiety gets so high I can’t focus, and am drinking too much, which is obviously not helping.
Docs suggested sertraline, which sounds a bit drastic, and I’m doing your cognitive distortions guide and trying to absorb it.
He’d like to stop work but when I say yes, what’s your plan, he mums and Ahhhs. The latest is that he’ll work for one more month.
I did tell him today that I was fed up with it and can’t handle much more of it, and he’s said he’ll call a counsellor. We will see.

Hi OP, I’m going through something similar. Life is hard and the worry can be exhausting. I find sometimes it helps to look at things in perspective. Time with each other is what really counts. In years to come when you look back what would you like to remember and focus on. A job is a means to means to an end at the end of the day. I find it helps to focus on what really matters. I do go through the worry of all the ‘what-ifs’ scenarios though. Keeping your options open through a side hustle is a positive move. Maybe encourage him to make sure his CV is up to date so he feels confident enough to apply for another job should the need or opportunity arise. It doesn’t sound like he’s happy in his new role. Maybe it’s because he’s still learning the ropes. This can take time. Does he feel like he is being supported sufficiently to take on his new duties? Is handover of tasks and training adequate? Does he get regular contact and feedback from his bosses? Ultimately either he thinks things have the potential to improve or he doesn’t. If it’s the latter maybe now is the time for him to start looking for something else. Life is too short. I’ve been on AD in the past and they helped a bit but they are really strong and my DH said I behaved really distantly towards the family and seemed devoid of emotion. I came off them after a while and considered going back on but my family really encouraged me not too. I think they can help to a point but they aren’t really addressing the causative issues.

Sounds like he might be projecting his anxiety about the job. Or that he's being a twat who thinks he can take it easy if all the mental strain is hoisted onto you. You know him well enough to figure out which is it.

A quick exercise for you. When faced with a problem consider;

1. The most perfect outcome
2. The worst possible outcome
3. The most likely outcome

It puts things in perspective and gives your time to figure out your options. (P.S. 1 and 2 very rarely happen!).

Thanks littlekittyscupcake. He dis supposed to spend 3 hours a week on project 2, but of course boss 2 forgets that. He won’t tell either boss he has too much to do. He’s tired and grumpy and I’m getting more and more anxious. Am not actually sure time spent with each other is that much fun. Sigh! Sorry you are going through similar. Thanks for the view on ads.
Sarahlou63 thanks, you do seem to know stuff! Sorry, tired and don’t want to just moan. Thanks for your help, thank you!