My ds sleeps all day

[Leah2005]

My ds has suspended his degree and come home to live until September 2022. He was diagnosed with adhd six months ago and is also taking meds for depression. He stays awake most of the night and sleeps all day. He is living with us as if it were a house share but having the benefits of being with his family. I want him to help around the home and generally contribute to family life. However I don't want to push him due to his depression and not sure what my expectations should be. Can anyone offer any thoughts please?

Since he has depression, your expectations should be ensuring he is taking his medication and you and he are fighting for him to get a psychological asssessment and therapy. I would not expect him to act normal and contribute, he is in survival mode. I’d also try and find resources that he can use it help with ADHD.

Can you go private? Or find a charity? You are right in that he cannot sleep all day and expect to get better by next year. There needs to be acplan of some sort to help him.

(I have a DC whois just now coming out of 5yrs struggling with CFS ...so I know how it feels when it’s 3pm and they are still in bed for years on end and have had to drop school etc).

@PlanDeRaccordement thank you so much for commenting. I know he needs to sort his doctors out (still registered to his uni Dr) and because I see so little of him, it is hard to find the right time and space to have a conversation. Feels like living with a vampire! He is waiting for an appt through psychology UK to discuss his adhd - I think if that were managed properly, his depression may lessen. Perhaps it is time to throw some money at it and go for a private appointment. He's 21 and I don't want him to think I am treating him like a child by doing things for him. I guess if I lead with that though and ask if he needs me to help, that might get us somewhere. I'm glad your dc is coming out the other side - must be horrible to watch that struggle.

I was I exactly your sons position, just without the adhd, so I know ow how tough it is. O e of the biggest problems caused my depression is that you lose all routine and end up going sporadically nocturnal. Probably the best thing my parents did was help with me finding a warehouse job which did a number of things. The first was physical, I was walking around all day and so could actually be tired at the end of the day, so that sorted the sleep out, plus it gets the endorphins going again, and can take the edge off the depression. The second is physiological, even a depressed brain can't ignore the pay packet confirming you've actually done something every month, so even if it's just a day a week, any sort of job would be very beneficial. It's very likely he might not be able to do this straight away, so in this case really try amd get him moving around and walking again, my uni room became a prison for myself, I can't even bear to go down that street again, but exercise is really helpful in this. Above all be kind, it took me years to ask for help from my family, and i still innately hate it, so really avoid belittling him pr treating him like a child, which is very difficult as that is basically what depression does, it infantilises you. Feel free to DM me.

You’re his primary carer so it’s not odd for you to help out at least at first. Definitely chat with him....ask him if he wants appointment then arrange it. Ask if he wants you to be present to listen in and find out ways to support him, or if he wants the appointments private or a bit of both. It’s hard to find time, but probably have to be evening at first until his sleep patterns improve.
I have ADHD and yes, it may be contributing to his depression. If he can get help managing the ADHD, he will feel less “stupid” about ADHD things like short attention span, not completing tasks, constant forgetfulness etc.
I suggest private because it’s faster than the NHS pandemic expanded wait lists.

@Student133 strangely enough, he has managed to land himself a warehouse job (his friend put a word in for him - I don't think he would have managed without). He works a few hours Saturday and Sunday. He also does an exercise class with his stepdad one evening a week so I guess things aren't perhaps as dire as they feel atm. I'm glad I posted here tonight because I was losing my focus on him being unwell. Thank you for your kind words and I will remember to be kind to him. I hope I am generally.
@PlanDeRaccordement I've just caught him in the kitchen and asked if he would like me to help him get reregistered here. Of course, the Dr's want him to go online and fill a form in which isn't easy for him. I offered to do it for him and he happily accepted. That'll be the first step done. Thank you for your support.

No worries at all OP, it will definitely help alleviate some of the issues, and if he is sometimes seemingly odd in what he will amd won't share just remember it is a symptom of the depression, and he does deliberately want to feel the way he does around it.

Sounds positive OP. I think try and keep him moving forward in whatever way you can. Not experienced in these issues but just from my own experience of my DS (only 8) when he starts to sit and wallow i get him in motion- like helping out around the house or doing some exercise. The longer he sits around stagnating the bigger his problems will feel. The warehouse job is a positive step. Hopefully with some help he'll be able to overcome the obstacles hes facing.

Sorry if I missed it but is he on medication for adhd?
Anti depressants are the worse thing you can take if you have adhd, dh spent 2 years on them after a mis diagnosed and was barely engaging in life before coming off them.
He's like a different person now he's on medication for adhd!

@brittleheadgirl sorry I've only just noticed your post. No - he's on antidepressants and needs an appt with local Dr now he is home to get a referral to psychiatry UK to be medicated for adhd. He's had his diagnosis through an educational psychologist at uni but they can't prescribe medication. Can I ask who your DH saw to get his medication sorted? I've looked to see if I can book him a private appt to speed the process up but they have a large backlog. He needed to fill a form in to get re registered at Dr - that is something he struggles with so I have done that and he's now waiting to hear from them. I sent it on Fri - I'm going to chase it up now.

@Leah2005
No worries, dh went private with an adhd specialist called Dr Balu. A quick google will point you in the direction and the whole process with him was amazingly quick and easy.
We couldn't recommend him enough, dh was diagnosed and on a prescription so quickly and it has been life changing for him (and me!)

@brittleheadgirl that's good to hear. I do wonder how he will get on as he gets older - his gf is very tolerant but I wonder how much of that is because he is her first bf and she hasn't much experience. He's a lovely bloke, kind, funny, gentle but a bloody nightmare in other ways. I'm learning gradually how to work with him but it's taken us 21 years! He went under the radar at school because he is intelligent and wasn't disruptive - I always felt he was different but he is my only one so I had no comparison at home and couldn't put my finger on what it was. Thank you so much for your help.

My dh sounds like the older version of your ds!
He too is a lovely bloke, sweet, hard working, totally devoted to me & my dc but also hard work in lots of ways!!
Medication helps enormously but I don't think it's a coincidence that he's ended up with a dw who works in my profession (early years) I'm very patient & kind!!!

@brittleheadgirl got to admit, that's given me a tear or 2. Brings me hope to know that other people can see the lovely qualities and manage with the trickier bits. He's changed his hours at work because 2 people were bullying him - first experience of this for him - took me all my time to let him deal with it himself but he did bless him. Fingers crossed we can get him a medication appointment soon.