Anxiety / irritableness / rage / depression?

[surreygirl1987]

Hi,

I hate that I'm at the point where I need to post this, but I need some advice please. There's something not quite right with me.

On the exterior I'm a very successful career woman with a great job, recent promotion, just finished a PhD, two lovely little kids and an amazing husband. But I'm a total mess. I'm rarely happy, I'm always stressed, I can't remember the last time I had a real break, I don't really enjoy anything and feel guilty if I'm not doing something productive all the time, I snap at my kids and husband then feel guilty over it and hate myself, and I'm always anxious - I just feel like I'm a fraud and like I have to maintain this lie that I'm great. I really hate myself. I find myself getting so angry over little things and just snapping. Sometimes I feel like I need to scream and throw things (I don't, but I feel a really strong urge to do so). This isn't normal and I don't know what to do about it.

I did suffer from postnatal depression and didn't seek help for it but my youngest is 1 now. I'm trying to stop breastfeeding so I guess my hormones are a bit messed up, but I was super anxious even before having kids (the rage thing came after though).

I did a short CBT course which I found mildly helpful (she said according to their questionnaire I was suffered from mild depression and moderate anxiety) but I think I need medication - I don't want to feel like this anymore and my husband and kids really don't deserve it. Can anyone please give me some advice?
I tried to make a GP appointment twice but wasn't urgent enough for triage and they wouldn't book an advance appointment...

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. You are doing a lot and though it seems you don't believe it right now it sounds like you are a great achiever. I'm not an expert, just a repeat patient. I recognise the guilt and perfectionism and busy-ness etc that you describe. I had severe PND, recurrent depression, general anxiety. I've been medicated a long time but I am luckily articulate even when I'm not a good self-advocate. There is a tool on the NHS website where you can self-assess your levels/symptoms of depression and anxiety. Over 18/25 for depression and 14/21 for anxiety and you will get treatment. The magic words for me to get past reception triage and to actually see a Dr were "I am having a mental health crisis and feel like I cannot cope anymore". I had to be willing to put everything else aside that day and stage a quiet sit-in at the surgery and I did not try to hold back any tears - it helped to be raw a little bit it made them realise how serious I was. I emphasised to Dr how much my getting treatment would help me to help & protect my child. I really really wish you well (I don't know how to use the flower icon but I'd be sending it!). You'll be be up against long waiting lists but there is more money for online counselling right now. You need to look after yourself and try different meds and counselors and go back and change what doesn't work. And give yourself a flipping break! Exhausting when you are already exhausted! Sorry.