Scars from childhood bullying

[Pineapplepizza83]

Has anyone else here been badly affected by bullying which went on during childhood? I was bullied pretty badly throughout both primary and secondary school and developed severe social anxiety and PTSD. Therapy brought me a long way, but I find the emotional pain is still there. It's almost like I always chose partners and friends that were emotionally abusive because in my own mind, I thought that's all I deserved. Thankfully I am trying to break that pattern now.

I guess my question is, If you were also bullied, what effect did it have/does it still have on you and is there anything in particular that you found really helped whether that be a hobby or a type of therapy?

I’m really pleased that therapy has helped, OP. Any reason why you can’t continue working with a therapist now to cement your progress? Bullying may be seen as an adverse childhood event (ACE) yet is sometimes (in my experience) trivialised or normalised - the ‘well, it never did you any harm’ response. It is a trauma.

In my case, I found therapy really helpful, too, and learning to offer myself the same compassion I’d give anyone else - not easy if you have internalised a harsh critical ‘voice’. Like all change, I think it’s a gradual and continuing process that continues throughout life. The more you learn about yourself and the more healthy and respectful relationships you make with others, the more you cement the healing process.

@Craftycorvid thanks for your kind words you are so correct that it is a trauma and it is also trivialised and downplayed a lot. To be honest I kinda feel talk therapy has brought me as far as i can go, but I still feel pretty traumatised and was thinking maybe I need to try something like EMDR because I have heard it is meant to help with trauma

Yes, EMDR can be great. Any good trauma-focussed therapy, in fact. We may continue to react to new situations as if they represent danger if we have actually been in danger at an earlier stage in life, especially if we could not escape - school is a prime example, we’re forced to attend and can’t easily get away from the source of fear. When we can’t escape, that ‘fight, flight’ reaction goes into a collapse and freeze response - like playing dead. We might, for example, find we ‘zone out’ when stressed, have difficulties with addictive substances or struggle to assert our boundaries - our boundaries having been overwhelmed early in life. Good trauma therapy can also support you to recognise how you have survived and what that part of you can teach you about your own resilience. If you can tolerate it without it being too evocative, body-focussed practices such as yoga can be very therapeutic for embodied trauma, and people who’ve suffered bullying of a physical nature do sometimes find learning self- defence helps break through that ‘freeze’ state.

A great book to look for is Babette Rothschild’s ‘8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery’.

I was effected by low level but consistent sibling bullying which took the form of what you would now call negging, but in those days it was just taking the piss out me. One brother in particular thought he was a comedian and never ever let up, I have no memories of enjoying being with my brothers at all ever.
I'm now 41, I am still deeply self conscious but I now realise that I'm not an embarrassing person, that I'm not humiliating myself again every time I speak or do something. I am very very private, I struggle to form relationships and I honestly think I will be relieved when my parents are gone because they are the only link I have to my siblings now who I am no contact with. I don't know anyone as private as I am, to the levels of almost secretive.
It's not the same as you but I do think that when these things happen in childhood before we were so sure of our worth they make us think that that is our worth.

@Craftycorvid I will definitely give EMDR a go, I think it could be very beneficial. I definitely think I need to break through the 'freeze ' side of things because I still very much feel stuck. I'll also check out the book you mentioned. Thank you

@Anotheruser02 I'm so sorry to hear about your brothers cruelty, that is awful and it's even worse when bullying happens at home because there is no escape at all from it there. I totally relate to the feelings of being secretive, I'm exactly the same
There was a time in my life when I was pretty much an open book, but now I find it very difficult to trust

Hello OP,

Yes i am also affected by my childhood/teenage bullying experiences and i'm 41. I thought i'd dealt with all the hurt on my own and moved on. I decided I never wanted to become a "victim" of the bullies so pushed it all aside. What I'm now finding is the older I get the more problems I'm facing. I have terrible trust issues and find it virtually impossible to form close bonds with females. I don't have a solution but just to say I totally understand what you're going through.

My bullying started when I was very young in primary school and continued throughout secondary.
I didn’t resist or tell anyone and taught myself not to react or cry.

It’s negatively shaped my adult in so many ways. I suffer from anxiety, depression social phobia and have a deep mistrust of female friendships. I used to be unwittingly drawn to needy, self absorbed types and live in their shadow. Counselling has a helped me to break that pattern but unfortunately now I have no friends and no skills in making new ones. I’m not relaxed and people pick up on it.

But thank you for posting this because it helps to share these things and no longer see them as a source of shame