Narcissistic Mother - feel broken today. Hand hold needed.

[Wouldyoudothesame]

NC for this as I'm so ashamed of my relationship with my mother. Don't have anyone to talk to about it and desperate for kind words.

I've been having counseling for over 3 years and stopped when my baby was born 10 months ago and will resume at some point but don't have time/space for it atm.

Mother has strong narcissistic tendancies and I've done a lot of positive work in therapy a lot of which has been around boundaries. It has been going well for me. I see her every couple of weeks (usually she would prefer every weekend) and try not to rely of her emotionally as she isn't very supportive. She is highly critical so a bit of distance gives me the opportunity to recover and build my self esteem up before seeing her again. I have sought alternative childcare for my 3 chn for babysitting twice for date nights, she always offers but usually cancels last minute, turns up really late or gets really stressed about it which stresses me out then I can't enjoy myself. We've had some average phone conversations and she accused me of avoiding her which I have been a bit but still speaking to her weekly. Another nice phone conversation then she randomly transferred £1k to my bank account which was bizarre. I thanked her and I asked her why (politely) and she said because she'd had a bonus. Usually she just calls to tell me she's had a £10k plus bonus which I congratulate her for, she's never given me money before. I thought everything seemed okay, we were able to be civil.
Yesterday she came to the house to watch the baby for an hour whilst I took the two older chn swimming. I could sense she was in in a bad mood when she arrived. When we got back we were just having general chit chat and she starting screaming at me that I was unfriendly and didn't make her feel welcome. That she felt she had to tread on eggshells around me and what was my problem? I was taken by surprise that she was shouting at me in front of the children and my husband quickly ushered them all upstairs. She burst into tears and said she doesn't want to be around me because I'm so unfriendly. I told her through tears that I just didn't like how she was so critical and it made me feel so awful so I'm protecting myself. We've had this conversation before. She denied it, asked aggressively for examples. Every single one I gave she claimed I was exaggerating, didn't remember the context, didn't happen at all or I was being over sensitive. I said to her please don't undermine my feelings, you did ask! She said she is entitled to say whatever she wants to me or anyone and she feels like she just has to keep her mouth shut in case she offends me which isn't right. She should be able to say whatever she likes to her daughter and I shouldn't take her so seriously and that she thinks I'm very odd. (Things she has said include that in a bad mother to my child, that I have fat arms, that I ear pittance, that I'm boring unlike my siblings).After she'd had her fill of screaming at me and me just in floods of tears she suddenly changed the subject and started calmly talking about the Olympics... conversation over. When she left she just said at least we've cleared the air. Smiled and left. Part of me that's had therapy just felt like wow that was textbook narcissist. The other half felt like I'd been beaten up. Today I Have cried, I feel like I'm back to square one and it makes me feel so pathetic. I haven't felt like this is a long time and don't know what happens next. I've set my boundaries, she's pushed back...now what? I don't feel like any of my friends understand and at 33 with a husband and 3 kids I just feel like I shouldn't be so effected my her still. I'm usually friendly, quite sociable, calm and upbeat, I'm a teacher on mat leave, I've felt overall very content and happy the last few months...tired of course with the chn but this has knocked the wind out of me. Anyone understand or experienced similar? Please don't be mean, I don't think I can take it 😢 I'm just going to buy myself some chocolate and cuddle my baby, don't know what to do or how long in going to feel like this.

🤗it doesn’t change in my experience, distance is key & keep information about yourself & family to a minimum. Less opportunities for criticism. Treat yourself today & don’t criticise yourself, it’s ok to feel the way you do.

My dm was similar.. Very much Woe Is Me..
Went nc. No regrets.
Or you risk your dc feeling like you do when she has visited..
Do not allow her abuse to damage your dc..

@maryward thank you. It's hard because by doing that I also feel like I'm going to get punished for it. It's hard to stand my ground when it clearly provokes her so much.

@30degreesandmeltinghere that's very brave of you. I don't think I have the proverbial balls to go NC as I fear her turning my extended family against me. She seems okay with my children and I hyper aware when she's around just incase she says anything toxic or critical to them. It hasn't been the case so far. I wouldn't allow her around then if I felt she was having a negative impact, yesterday was the first time she's had a go at my in front of them. It has been a while since we argued like that.

But yesterday won't have been a one off. If she is allowed back to your home you are saying her abuse of you in front of your dc is OK...

She felt the power shift as you've been taking away her opportunity to hurt you. The unrequested gift of money is to have an IOU to call you ungrateful for.

I would keep doing what you're doing, go to therapy, reduce contact and prepare for this to happen again. One day you'll be able to detach from her nastiness but until then eat that chocolate and cuddle your baby

OP here is a massive virtual hug I am so sorry to read your story do you mind if I share mine and my perspective ?
I have been the prime target of my mums narc tendencies since I was 5 when my dad left for nearly 2 years the curtains were shut , I was subjected to a lot of beatings as I looked like him at 6 years old she told me she wished shed have stuck a coat hanger up herself and got rid of me. When I was 8 she met a man and we moved after a few weeks hundreds of miles to live with him and his 18 year old son raped my for 2 years when I told her aged 10 she did nothing yet painting herself to be the victim to anyone who would listen , in one of her ranges a few months later I was told ' your a dirty little slag no wonder he did that to you ' my crime wearing a crop top and leggings . There has been so much over the years age 16 i joined the army i really didnt have many other options to get away she had to leave the army when she was having me so on the biggest day of my life to date, my passing out parade i was told i didnt really want to come this should have been my life you took it. So from proud to guilty and hurt . So many more things over the years it wasnt until i became a mother myself then I actually realise the seriousness of her behaviour, I have 4 children and we have lived all over the world so she didnt get much involvement but when they reach a certain age with their own opinions and views she loses interest and the next one would be a new favourite (narcissistic people love younger kids as an active Audience it really can.be all about them ) I have grown to accept I will never have the mum I wanted due to the narcissism and the only thing I could do was to set boundaries that I was comfortable with everytime she tries to smash my boundaries apart. Then last year came my granddaughter an exiting time for the family my first grandchild only for my mother and her self importance ' yes but I'm her great grandma' ' I dont look old enough to be a great grandma ' I'd have my dgd overnight and I would be subject to tantrums silent treatment , what have I done wrong ? I want to look after her ? My daughter tried to communicate with her but you know yourself theres no reasoning with a narc. The final straw was a few months ago my daughter randomly popped in with my dgd one saturday and I posted a pick . Two days of tantrums followed then my daughter went to lunch with a friend and my mother saw her kicked off was screaming in her face was that incensed she was foaming at the mouth my 22 year old daughter was terrified I had always protected them from this my granddaughter saw it all too . I have totally cut her off I have too this time there has to be a line . It's tough op i totally understand I've spent so many days hurt in tears ect but it never changes , personally work on acceptance cut all contact and protect your family . Be the mum that you didnt get xxx if you want to chat anymore message me xx be kind to yourself hun xxx

@30degreesandmeltinghere yes I don't want to agree with you but I know you're right. It's crap. I would feel so guilty cutting her off from her grandchildren. The eldest two (both under 7) were asking why she was shouting at me. It difficult to know what to say without feeling like I'm trying to turn them against her. I don't want to be like her. I do need to talk to my husband and have a think about how to manage this with the kids. Perhaps I just shouldn't have engaged with it but it really took me by surprise.

I was nc for 10 years. I had more dc in the meanwhile and I let her meet them. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Bumped along for a year but went nc again. I told my dc sometimes people aren't who we first thought and she wasn't an appropriate person to have in our lives. They were satisfied with that. They were 4, 6 and 8.. Been 9 years now.
No regrets and won't be contacting her again.

@Armychefbethebest your story made me cry. I really feel for you. No one deserves a mother like that. All the things you've had to put up with. I've had more than one sexual harassment situations as a child under 16 that were ignored and dismissed. It's unforgivable but part of me just isn't ready to take on the hard task of breaking away completely. I've seen her turn other members of my family against my brother and I couldn't bear her doing that to me. She will twist everything to make out that in a terrible person. I think, like you. If I saw her treating my own children like that, I could not tolerate it. i really hope it never comes to that. I feel like my head is scrambled. I've been as factual as possible in my OP but still have this feeling that I'm being over sensitive and making a big deal out of nothing and I should just put up with it because she's my mum. Does that make sense? I would never say that to a to anyone else in my position but you know...it's my mum

@Wouldyoudothesame I'm really sorry my story made you cry I just wanted to share with you , the chances are all of your family know exactly the sort of person she is front or not . I have been there so many times should I shouldnt I? But the event with my daughter made my mind up I have expectations of how my children are treated . By me , their family their partners and I respect the older 2 make their own choices so I dont interfere but that for me was something I couldnt interfere in . I really struggled as a new mum I didn't really have a mother figure to go off I had to learn from scratch I had no natural maternal instincts just the version I'd had. I knew I always wanted my kids to feel loved , and wanted and that their feelings mattered.no one has the right to make you feel bad to walk all over your boundaries and feelings , I've spent many a night questioning is it me did I make her like that but no sweetheart like you I didnt make her like that it's an imbalance in her brain, a disorder and it's something you and I cannot control but we can control the way we deal with it after time . I think the therapy is a good idea to continue I remember my first session and afterward the therapist was in tears I was handing over the tissues but although I didnt come to any major conclusions it did help to get it all out and bit by bit try to rationalise everything. It's your call hun only you can decide when to push that button and say I want to get off the rollercoaster now , be kind to yourself embrace all the good people in your life cherish your little one and go and get that chocolate , you are loved , you are important and your doing a great job of being a mummy xx

Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story with me. It makes me feel understood and less alone xxx

No need to thank me hun it's hard I understand if you ever need a chat just message I mean it xxx