How am I meant to do this! I’m at breaking point!

[Tinydancer321]

Hello, I think I’m just here ranting I don’t know what to expect.
I was looked after by my Nan and grandad as a baby due to my mum have schizophrenia and being a alcoholic.
I’m now 35, I have 3 children all with autism, (2 at Sen school high needs), I’m also expecting (massive surprise however happy now our lives revolves around the kids). Obviously this is extra worry if I can’t cope.
HOWEVER- my mum has taken over all the worry.
Clearly for years she has had cirrhosis from all the drinking. I call her daily, she can’t text, use the internet and can’t work out direct debits. She shops once a week and does her laundry once a week.
A few months ago, she called me in agony, I had to call 999 (as she won’t she wanted me to do it, the stress of phone calls sends her over the edge). I called and they ended up taking her in. Her liver is in a very bad way but she wouldn’t have treatment and discharged her self, I begged her to stay but she put her phone down then didn’t answer for 2 days!
She was determined to prove me wrong, she did quite drinking though.
I have been asking daily for her to book in the doctors (she is full of fluid) and clearly needed help with her liver. Also for her to have her Covid jab. When she discharged her self I also gave her social care number as was clear she would need support. She didn’t. Because she can’t take the stress of calling. Again I have 3 kids with autism hubby works and it’s exhausting.
Any way 2 weeks ago I call her and she is screaming in pain, 999 won’t take her, she can’t move or walk.
She can’t get food in or do her washing i live over an hour away, I’m waiting for my next vaccine and heavily pregnant. So can’t get their to help.
So I explain she needs to call them
Numbers she don’t.!
6 weeks holiday with 3 kids with autism and I have had to call social care 4 times (resulting in 5 hours of callinh), then the gp 3 times, I have also had to sort out food box.
Social worker been out, said she said she needs no care but have given her a contact to help with shopping and laundry. Doctor called back in the end and told her to ring 2 numbers. Called this morning and she has had a total meltdown screaming! Shouting! They Italians are giving her achney. (This is the stress of calling 2 numbers). I have had to call every one and sort it out.
My kids have 2 hospital apt every week this holiday, my baby is measuring stupidly big and I’m so stressed.
It’s my daughters birthday today and I have had to spend an hour talking to social worker, 30 mins getting food box and honestly just feeling so so stressed. On top of this her landlord has messaged me to say they don’t think she can stay at the flat as not meeting her needs and I should go there and care for her! Now he wants to call me.
Social worker discharged and because mum said she can use the shower (she can’t). And just needs a stick they have discharged and said gp needs to support.
I’m at breaking point. I can’t care for her. She turns all the time one minute nice and one minute horrible. She calls me fat, tells me
To shut the kids up, talks over me, she doesn’t listen to a word I say. And since a child I called her it’s all been about her. At 8 she told me about blow jobs. Last Xmas she wanted to tell my 10,8, and 5 year old Santa don’t exists. She has never been a support again not her fault. She has no undertanding I may be feeling overwhelmed or being heavily pregnant through a pandemic and 3 kids with extra needs in stressful. I feel so sick. 😭😭😭😭😭. What do I do.
I have no family support, hubby’s mum
Has just passed away too however had no support that side either. I never ever get a break. I’m a only child, my grandparents now
In their 80s. There is no one else. My mum in top it’s to much. These issues are down to her drinking but she has never took responsibility for anything. Now have the stress of what the landlord wants. Social worker has given everyone my number to call. I feel sick and like I will have a break down. Esp after this morning on my daughters birthday where I didn’t answer her call straight away (this was the reason she called screaming apparently) although I didn’t answer as was sorting support for her!!! Not that’s she knows and she doesn’t listen to a word I say she just talks over me. Due a baby in 7 weeks how will I cope with a new born too 😭😭😭😭

You need to step away , right away from your mum, you can’t help her as you have so much in your plate and she won’t help herself. Look after you and your children, don’t answer the phone to her or any number you don’t recognise. It’s time for tough love xx

Tell the social worker and GP that you are unable to care for her and will no longer be the contact for her.

Step away. There's nothing you can do.

Step away. She didn’t look after you when you were growing up. Do not look after her now

I'm so sorry it sounds like your mum is a millstone around your neck. You need to step away for the sake of yourself and your children. I can't believe a social worker has said she doesn't need care, she literally can't function without you doing everything for her. Can you check your council website for what you need to do to get her a needs assessment? Or speak to the social worker and tell them your mum must have a needs assessment and you cannot be a carer for her anymore?

Stop answering the phone.

And it may not be her fault, but nor is it your problem to solve. I do understand why you've let this go on, you've been conditioned into putting her first your whole life but you've got children of your own - you, and they must come first. It's not going to be easy to say no but the more you do the easier it becomes.

@WildingFae

Tell the social worker and GP that you are unable to care for her and will no longer be the contact for her.

Step away. There's nothing you can do.

^ this As long as you do it they’ll leave you to it. You remove yourself from the situation and you tell all the authorities you are no longer first point of contact. You have children and a new born soon, you cannot help her. It’s a horrible situation, but you have to step away now, you’ve done everything you can.

I just can’t she has no one. No friends , she just is like a 9 year old that has no idea about other peoples feelings ever!
Social worker discharged her anyway. I just can’t believe there can’t be more support that this! Surely there has to be someone. Social services have said it’s all health and health are awful as her gp needs to be called constantly to do any anything.
She can’t top up her phone as doesn’t know how to (with out a top card). I literally feel I’m
Being expected to care for her and I just can’t. I can’t travel all that way to top her card. 2 years ago I put her on the council list around here, tried to get her sheltered place but she kept telling them she just wanted to move to get closer to me not that’s she can’t do certain things. I told her say about her needs but she wouldn’t.
She would just sit and starve because a call is to much pressure. Even now she called transport as thought they could book her X-ray and transport together (first time doing it) he said she will need to call X-ray department and book first, so fine to them but had a meltdown to me! Then said I will call tomorrow at 11 am! Not straight after but tomorrow and set a time!
She moaned she had been on hold for 20 mins while I have spent 2 weeks constantly calling around! It’s hard as it’s not her fault but there is no support for her. It’s mental health and assuming a type of ld (she can’t even use a hoover!). She is worried she will be made to live in a home. So is saying she is fine and every thing in fine. Although I think she needs to be in a home. It’s bringing me down so much. Then I look like the selfish one. Like who doesn’t look after their mum. 😭

You'll need to be tough with SS. Tell them you are no longer the point of contact for your mother. That it's totally on them to deal with her. Then block everyone.

I wouldn't be surprised if your mother has undiagnosed autism herself. She needs her needs assessing if not an assessment itself. That is SS job and it's unfair they keep foisting it back on you.

Bat away the manipulation they'll put on you. Be firm and tell them she's their problem from now on and you won't be speaking to anyone again.

Agree that you have to step away. The more you do, the more social services and everyone else will dump on you. Tell everyone and then change your number. You don't owe her anything, and of she won't help herself there's nothing you can do anyway. Put you and your children first x

@Needapoodle she is in a different district (Southend). It’s awful there! Literally had to call social care 5 times to explain she can’t get food!! I was told to do a internet’s shop for her, but she can’t get the food in! (It’s a flat). Also I can’t use her bank card as she has never used it on the internet it asks for a code to be text to her but she never upgraded her phone number and can’t read test messages. She won’t even have the credit to call soon 🤦🏼‍♀️. Prob best me sorting out a house phone but she won’t give me her card number as says people will take money out of her account!
(Really paranoid about the money).
We thought for a Ot assessment today but that will take months if he does it!
Social care she called once crying tht her back hurt! So they couldn’t help. She just has no understanding.
She acts like she can function to them but can’t.

@gamerchick I totally agree I think she has autism I did tell the social worker to see her in such a way. She is rigid , needs routine she isn’t getting any of this so having these meltdowns. 100 percent she is on the spectrum. Worse thing is my daughter is just like her, she meltdowns with a tiny bit of stress (say she can’t find a pen she will scream and scream rather than look for it)

Just want to thank you guys was worried I would be judged. I’m just exhausted from it. I’m frustrated as she has no idea what I have done the last few weeks she just sees my life as easy (I suppose compared to hers it is because of her mental health).

You have to stop though. If she literally has no one it will force SS into doing something

Every time there's a problem, can you call the police and say they need to do a welfare check. You are too far away and have your own responsibilities to do this yourself. Then refuse to do anything else. The police will soon get fed up and pass this back to SS.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously I did that last year! The police wouldn’t do a welfare check (she had t turned her phone on for 3 days). Gp would not either.
I honestly think social services wouldn’t bother. If I hadn’t called he wouldn’t of seen her. They left her with no food for 6 days and she still would have none . Paramedics didn’t refer her either and hubby works in social care and here they would of called social services 🤦🏼‍♀️.
Mum kept calling
Me that she would
Just kill her self. No point to live and I won’t be seeing her for a while (had to add that in)

Whatever your emotions about your mum (guilt, empathy, sympathy, compassion, resentment, etc) ultimately you’re having to choose between her, your existing children and future child, and yourself.

You cannot please all three groups.

You have to choose, and suffer the consequences.

You MUST place yourself first because if you don’t nobody will be around for your mum OR your children.

So, make your own life easy enough that you can look after others.

Then, choose between your children and your mum - who is like w child but not YOUR child.

It’s so very difficult when a child is born with this level of mental illness. Your grandparents should have made plans for her, while raising you. They didn’t. It’s on you now. You’re lucky you have a DH, perhaps, as another resource.

My grandparents were my dads side… @BeenThruMoreThanALilBit her dad died at 14 and mum died when I was about 3! So she has no one. 🤦🏼‍♀️

My dad left my mum when I was about 4 (she would Get violent with him and they were only together as fell pregnant with me. He didn’t know how to look after me, so they had always left me with my Nan and grandad. Then when I was 9 he decided he wanted me as met a new prtmer but I didn’t want to leave my grandparents . So he never spoke to me
Or his parents again 🤦🏼‍♀️

Hey, I didn't want to read and run. Your mum sounds like mine in so many ways; mine was an alcoholic, diagnosed bi polar, schizophrenic etc.

My mum died a few years ago following complications relating to cirrhosis. 18 months prior to her death, I hadn't seen her. I lived about 2 hours away, but I called her nearly every day. Majority of the time, she was abusive on the phone to me, crying she just wanted to die etc. I knew things were bad and honestly, I wish I could've helped her, but short of locking her in a room and controlling her life, nothing I could do would help her. For my own sake, sanity and safety, I didn't go and see her, and even knowing the outcome (her death) I don't regret my decision.

Adult social care is severely underfunded as it is, whatever help you can get is useless if the patient refuses it.

I know it feels selfish to put yourself first, but that's exactly what you need to do. Keep your distance, have set times you will call her if need be. Don't feel guilty, you have so many little people relying on you as it is.

@HeardItOnTheGrapeVine thank you 😘.
Thank you all for your comments I feel
I can be stronger now.

So spent a hour and a half yesterday going through how to top up her phone using her debit card (where she got her debit card and top up card mixed up a thousand times and the hash button and star button 😂). She couldn’t do it. I explained she just neeeded to listen carefully. So she can’t book any appointment. 🙄.
Then she said someone at the door so I left phone on and she as screaming down the the communal hallway I mean screaming then screaming “they having me on” obviously no one there. Still have the landlord wanting to phone swear they want to Chuck her out because of all the screaming! I think she wanted them all to hear so they would open the door!