im such a failure.

[nightowl]

i dont want to post this. i dont want to keep complaining on here but i need to get it all out finally. everything seems so rubbish. i had a rubbish childhood and barely scraped through school. everyone gave up with me and said i would turn out bad. but i didnt..i had a fiance, owned a house and we had a planned baby when i was 19. he was prem and very sick for years to come. but i had a decent job and we were happy for a while. i was so proud that i didnt turn out like they all said i would. ok so we split mutually 5 years ago now but i was still ok. i got a horrible council house and did it up...it was so much hard work and being alone with a sick child nearly drove me insane...but i carried on no matter how hard it was. then last year i got back with an ex and he got me pg and left me 3 months gone. i nearly had a termination and it was the hardest thing i ever had to deal with. i was so frightened but i kept my baby and i now adore her and know i did the right thing. but then i lost my job to redundancy after 8 years and ever since i feel like such a failure and im going down. look at me now...i am what everybody thought i would be and i dont know how to change things. so sorry...just feeling sorry for myself.

YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE. You've succeeded at everything you've put your mind to. Fantastic mum. Sorry can't stopas I'm on my way to work but bear this in mind-
what do you see on gravestones- good at his job or beloved mum- think which is the most important- sorry i can't stay opn now

I agree you're NOT a failure and things WILL get better. You sound like a very determined lady!
Lots of {{{{hugs}}}}

nightowl, shame on the people who said you would turn out bad. What were they thinking of, saying such things to a child? It is because these kind of mantras were drummed into you as a child that you go on thinking them now. It's absolutely nothing to do with what you are actually doing in your life. If you had been raised to believe you were going to be a huge success in life, and told every day that you were special, you would now be replaying those messages mentally and congratulating yourself on doing a fine job under difficult circumstances.

One day when your children are older and understand how much you loved and cared for them when you had no support yourself, they will know that they owe you everything.

Those of us who didn't get positive messages from our parents must do it for each other. You are a good, clean woman who has struggled through many difficulties for her children. If you can do that you can do anything. While your children are small you are very busy with them. As they get older you will have the opportunity to use your incredible determination and hard work for something more lucrative and more fitting of what the business world sees as success. Now you can use the time to plan the rest of your life.

you're not a failure nightowl, you've coped brilliantly under difficult circumstances. The redundancy is not your fault. Things will get better { HUGS }

Yes, look at you now, nightowl --- you are a STRONG woman who has been through a lot and still has the determination to carry on. You sound like a wonderful, loving mother. Please, please hang in there!

thanks for your messages. felt even worse today and cried a lot but carried on as normal, plodding on and hoping things will change. i dont know whether to just accept life as it is for now and hope that the future might be better or to try and change things...scared of trying though if its just to be kicked down again from all directions!

You won't know if you don't try and then you'll look back and think "what if..."
Was reading something this morning that said something along the lines of "We can't enjoy being on the mountain without going through the valley, but we can use our mountain top experiances to get us through each valley" (Actually I felt like throwing the book through the window!!) Ramble over Just take each day as it comes and enjoy your kids!

Before you do anything different my advice would be to take some time out to have a really hard think about what it is you want to do.

What were your childhood dreams and ambitions? When your kids are at school, your free time will increase dramatically. You should be able to study, or work, or make things, whatever. Now is the time to decide what you want to do and do the planning and any preparation you can.

Nightowl, so sorry you feel this way. It sounds to me that you have overcome a lot of knock-downs, so you can't be a failure. Life has just thrown a lot of bad things your way, but you have overcome them and you will overcome the obstacles that face you now. Keep fighting for what you want to achieve because if you let yourself sink into apathy, then you might well not be able to get out again.

Good advice from anorak to think about what you really want to do. I'm in a similar-ish situation at the moment, and although I have no job, no money, haven't been well, problems with kids etc etc I have a strong feeling that this is a time of opportunity for me to do something I really want to do, even if it's difficult at the moment. I'd been doing a job I hated, and am glad to be out of it. You might also like to read a book by Alain de Botton called Status Anxiety - very interesting and talking about the stress caused by feeling one isn't measuring up to others' expectations of us.

Nightowl - I've just read what you've posted -and I just want to say that I admire your courage and strength. I can see what you have done and it's lots - two children: one needed extra attention that you gave & the other took much thought during pregnancy. You've done up a house, you've got 8 yrs work experience. You've got things done when many would not have managed. You now want to change your circumstances & you can do it. You've got a strong track record of achieving - don't forget this. Best wishes xxx

Hi there. Won't be around tonight, but wanted you to know I was thinking of you. You know I think you're great. Would've e-mailed, but having problems with it today. Give your babies a big hug from the crazy American, ok? [demented lemon]

some of your messages made me cry...but not in a bad way! i feel like i need a direction to go in...i need to feel useful. thats daft i know but i dont want to be a nobody like i feel i am now. do i go back to the work that im trained in...it wasnt the work i loved..it was that particular job itself. i loved the people, the responsibilty, the decisions i had to make...it hit me hard when they got rid of me...i felt so betrayed and i miss them despite what they all did to me (long story) or do i try and train for something that would suit me much better? there are so many things i need to do. i need closure on my baby's daddy...i need to show her to him once and when he walks away i can let it lie. i need to drive...it would really help me with a lot of things..but im too scared. i need to lay my past to rest. i need to face up to so many things and get over them...i just cant find the energy to do it. thanks so much for listening xx

thanks too cm [demented lemon] ...it means a lot xx

Nightowl, I'm here if you want someone to listen to you?

nightowl,

I think you're incredibly brave. Here's why: It sounds to me like you actually have a good sense of things you feel you need to do, and that you're on the road to facing them simply by putting them into words. I personally find that to be so hard to do, and I really admire you for it.

I don't mean to sound presumptuous, but maybe if you broke your list down into smaller pieces, it would help --- facing one thing at a time?

Is now the right time to go back to work, nightowl? I would give this some serious thought before deciding. You might find that with two small children it is easier to remain as you are just for now. You might need this time to plan for later, and to clear your head, just as plants lie dormant in winter resting and preparing for the time when they will fulfil their potential.

It doesn't sound like going back to your old job will be really fulfilling for you, but don't dismiss the idea. It might be something you can use to get the money/skills/contacts to reach the job you really want. Consider all carefully.

Devote a little time each day to thinking about what you used to dream of acheiving before life took over. When I was in your position I realised after a long time that as a child I used to enjoy writing poetry and stories. I had half-heartedly resumed classes as an adult but when I split with my ex I was so busy keeping the wolves from the door and trying not to go insane that it all got forgotten. I resuscitated that dream. I recontacted my old tutor and went back to classes. I have been back at classes for seven years now, with a short break for having a baby, and now have a large portfolio of poetry and stories and have begun writing a novel. This is important to me. I may never publish a thing but even if I don't, the writing of it is cathartic for me, and helps me access myself in a way that nothing else can. My dh and children do not share my enthusiasm for words. So I find that meeting my (by now) dear friends at class I have a forum for my great pleasure in poetry and literature.

What is your thing? Perhaps words, like me. Or painting? Making things? Figurework? Designing? Music? Food?

Find out what is in your spirit and make room for it in your life. Through this you can heal a lot of damage and clear the way to knowing what you want and don't want in your life.

Did you ever find an answer to the problem of your friend and your neighbour who take up too much of your time? That is a prime example of something that needs to change in your life. You need to declutter in terms of time as well as space, to make room for something new.

I am lurking on this thread and reading your sound advice anorak. I've no idea how I'll actually achieve any of these things, but I've got lots of things I would like to do. I've worked in IT for the last 10 years and I'm sick of it. I'd much rather work in a bookshop or, even better, have one part time job in a bookshop and another in a fetish shop I also want to study languages and sing in a choir. And I've got a great idea for a film. At the moment I'm not well and just going to the shop for milk is a trial, but thinking about all these things makes me feel hopeful for the future. I hope you're feeling OK nightowl X

perhaps my real problem is that ive always wanted something better...ive always felt there was something i was missing out on. i dont mean that in the partying sense but in that i wanted my son (and of course now my daughter) to be proud of me. i wanted them to have wonderful memories of childhood..i wanted them to say that they were always loved and wanted and never had to wish for anything they couldnt have. i want them to grow up strong people with a sense of what is right and wrong. i want them to have fulfilling lives...so how on earth can i set an example to them when im like this? their dads dont care about them, dd's never seen hers. i never wanted to bring a child into the world who would have the hurt that i did...but ive failed them already. i feel like im wasting my life being unhappy and its not fair to my kids. i dont take it out on them but ds already feels like he hes the man of the house...what a life for a 7 year old? there are things i would love to do yes, but thats just dreams and dreams dont come true. the reality is that at the moment not driving holds me back so much in lots of ways, trivial perhaps yes but thats how it is..i need to do that first. but if i dont work, i cant afford to run a car...its a vicious circle. of course its not all about work..i dont WANT to leave my baby with a stranger when shes so young..now i have the choice i would rather spend the time with her...but the future terrifies me because i cant see one. i dont want to let my babies down.

meant to say anorak that i know youre right and that this could be a really good time to think about what i really want...i can see it as a "break" perhaps...im just scared that i wont ever find the strength again to get back into life if i leave it too long...if that makes any sense? probably not

Nightowl.. a lot of what you say has an impact on me (and im sure many others)
we all want to do better/be better for our kids than the people who have affected us.

I for one am having counselling at the moment. Being a parent has been the most significant event in my life, and I am doing my damndest to try my best for my kids... for me that means sorting my 'issues' out.

Have you tried counselling? I think it just gives you the time/space to think about YOU..and try and work out just what is going on.

i did try many years ago but i found it made me feel worse...i hear thats common at first but i couldnt stand it so i didnt go again after a while. my counsellor made me feel uncomfortable and i know at least one other person that said the same about him..there is always the option of a different one i guess?

nightowl - sorry you are having such a rough time. You are a lovely person, and a wonderful parent - that is so clear from the importance you put on their happiness. It seems that your therapist was not the one for you. You need to find one that you are comfortable with. I wondered what kind of therapy you were receiving. If it was not CBT, it may be worth looking into it, as it does not focus on your past experiences (which I think you may have been having difficulties with understandably) but rather on how you cope with your thoughts right now. It helps you to deal with your feelings and put things back into focus. I really feel it would help you. How have you been today? xx

Nightowl YOU'UR NOT A FAILURE you have two lovely children in your life. I was in the same boat as you but in a different way.

My in-laws put me down so much when myself and my husband wanted to get married, she even refused to come to the wedding and husband's father, brother and sister, they did'nt come to the wedding.

His mother put me down so much, saying things like, don't marry her she will leave you and really horrible stuff.

It broke my heart, and my husband's heart when they did'nt come to the wedding.

I was with him for 6 years before we decided to get married, and have being married for 9 years now. I have ayear old son now.

And you know what i will never sink to their level, and nor should you lovey hold your hand up high, because you have to lovely children. Don't feel sorry for yourself get a grip and get on with it.

You can get through anything in life, if you want to. You have come along way you can do it. x

just off to bed.
but just wanted to say, i really feel for you and want to tell you..itll be okay. your not a failure and you are what 'you' think you are, not what people expected because you havent laid down and give up.
good luck.
x