I don't see light at the end of this tunnel..

[strawberrycustardtart]

didn't know what category to put this in.
A couple of years ago my life was ok.. I had a part time job at a tearoom after not going back to my dental nursing job when I had my son (who is now 4) I was planning my wedding, everything was just ok.
Then since last year everything went to shit.
My cousin died aged 23 suddenly from a blood clot, my grandad died and it came out he used to sexually abuse my mum so the whole family fell out with me and my mum as they thought she was lying, my wedding got cancelled, my job is now only 3 hours a week as they reduced opening hours during covid and don't want to reopen for any longer.
And then I got pregnant and have had hyperemesis. I thought getting pregnant would be something positive amongst the shit but it's just made everything worse. I nearly aborted the baby 3 times and the only thing that made up my mind was that it got to late. It really took its toll on me and DP.

I'm due in October and I've not enjoyed a single moment of this pregnancy, I just want it over with and my body back, I'm not really looking forward to having the baby but I just want this pregnancy to be over. I'm terrified of going through labour again though and wake up at night thinking about it. It's affected my relationship and we've very nearly broken up, a wedding couldn't be further away for us now.

So I'm pregnant with no job, and no purpose.
DP is still working from home so he's under my feet all day at the kitchen table. I want to be getting on and keeping busy but I'm so tired being pregnant. I feel like everyone else's life has a purpose apart from mine. I just wish I wasn't pregnant and could look for a job and just feel like me again.

I sleep in most days until about 10, I'll do some housework, eat and go to bed. I just feel like a complete waste of space.

I see no way out of life a it is at the moment. I just think what's the point. I was crap at my job (which I now don't have) I'm a terrible mum, my relationship is failing, DP even does all the cooking all I do is the housework.. I think what use am I to anyone.

This is in AIBU too as I wasn't sure so feel free to remove from either one.

So sorry you feel like that. My first thought when reading your post was maybe you could study, even unofficially? There must be something that you have an interest in that you could get some books about?
You could channel your purpose in developing your knowledge and then by the time the children are up a bit maybe apply for open learning or a college/uni course?

I felt I had no purpose at one stage, i was drifting in my boring job, although i was very good at it I was never mentally challenged by it. I applied for an access course and it gave me a whole new purpose, I had a goal.

Could you also speak to your midwife about your labour worries, maybe try to have a 'plan' of how you would like to manage the pain when the time comes?

Just wanted to send a virtual hug your way. Sounds like you're really struggling at the moment and your post resonates with how I've felt in the past.

Things will get better. You won't always feel like this. You and your DP need a little break from each other. Is there anyway either of you could go away to for a few days? Preferably you so you get a change of scene too. It'll do you wonders.

Try to occupy yourself with something else whilst you're not working. Like studying, as suggested by Galaxyinmypocket, or maybe a hobby of some sort. Can you decorate a nursery for the baby? Or make something for her/him? My DIL is also expecting in October and is in the middle of redecorating the upstairs floor so she's got a fresh, clean and organised place for when the baby comes. She's also taken to crocheting a blanket which is taking ages but keeps her fingers busy when she has less energy. Her work hours have also reduced so she's making the most of it rather than looking for a new job atm, although she does do some casual online tutoring to stimulate her mind.

I'm not sure what part of the world you're in but if it's the UK, then the weather is good atm mostly and a daily walk can freshen you up. Make it purposeful like a grocery shopping trip or a visit to an elderly person or something. It'll give you a sense of purpose and make you less lethargic.

I'm not sure how spiritual you are, but try outdoor meditation. I find that a little bit of deep breathing, cancelling out all negativity and focusing on the greatness of nature puts so many things into perspective for me.

Lastly, you've written 'what use am I to anyone' , but you my dear, are more useful than most people at the moment. Even when resting your body is working to provide a home and safe haven for your baby. It's heart beats alongside yours and it's pumping blood through its veins because of yours. So you're creating life with your own body and using your own body to form a whole human being out of nothing. That's how useful you are atm. It's fucking amazing.