Overwhelmed - I want time on my own!- new poster here

[changingmat]

I have changed my nickname as I want to remain private.

I have 2 DD's, just turned 2 years and 8 months and I live with DH, work 4 days a week shift work and I have parents for support who help look after the girls, sounds great hey, so whats the problem..... My days off with the girls.

Although I love my girls to bits but at times I actually feel rage, not towards them, but rage that I do not get a single minute to myself and I end up getting so stressed out and cross I feel I am not to a proper job.

We wanted children, but DD2 wasn't planned to arrive so quickly after DD1, but now at times I get annoyed at the fact that I can't even do anything round the house or even go the toilet at times on my own.

Being an only child I was bought up having LOADS of time on my own so I think this is why I am finding it hard to deal with. I know I know if you want time on your own then don't have children but I never knew I woud feel this way.... I wouldn't say I am depressed but at times the whole motherhood thing is so overwhelming especially when you have two children wanting to be fed/clenaed/held etc that I end up having an internal argument withmyself!

Do other mums feel like me? I wouldn't hurt my girls but it shocks me sometimes at how angry I get. I have told DH that I find it hard at times but he doesn't understand how hard it is sometimes. He looks after the girls at the weekend when I am work but he seems to manage!

Advice and reassurance needed please!

Changingmat, It sounds like you are very busy, with work and childcare. Your DDs are still so very young and at such a demanding age. They will still be demanding as tehy get older, but I can assure you it gets easier. Remember they need you to do almost everything for them ATM eg feed them, toilet them , dress them, carry them. It is exhausting when they are making so many physical demands.

I used to feel really angry too lots of the time and reading your post has made me realise this has got much less lately. I know it is because they are at school, playgroup etc and I do get a bit of time to myself now. Also they are much better at occupying themselves.

Don't feel bad about how you're feeling. IMO it is quite normal.
As hard as it is try and get some time for yourself. Exercise is a really good one.

Yes it does get easier

You are coping through the HARDEST time

IN a year or two they will play together much more and leave you will space in teh day to THINK or poo in private

Your feelings are TOTALLY understandable and much like my own

My girls are now 2 and 5 and play together really nicely most of the time - while I potter and clean and read the paper - it's SO much nicer

my DH summed it up the other day - there is no p in private. not in our house, nor in yours by the sound of it. the one thing i do try to keep on doing to stay sane, requires military planning and a 'me me me' mindset, ok it doesn't come naturally but hey you gotta learn some things when your sanity is at risk. My DS's go to grandparents house on friday evenings (yes we are very lucky, but sounds like you are similarly blessed) and we only have dd in the house. she is put to bed nice and early on fridays. Then we (me and DH) either try to get 'me' time, may be together or separately, or i go and play in the orchestra locally, or just go wandering to asda or wherever ...ALONE! tis bliss. His idea of 'him' time involves his computer and camera so i'm sorted.
it's funny, but if you plan for it, you get to appreciate it and know what you are going to do with your time. my children have a treat at granny's, as one goes to each granny they also get 'me' time which i think is important for them too, as there are three of them.

Thank guys.... Sounds bliss, reading the papers in the morning - what are papers? Something for my two girls to destroy so I have given up buying them now!

Forgot to say that my days off are my mums work days so there is no one that can have the girls on my days off.

I know it is the hardest time and I had come to the understanding that some mums feel like this but today seems to a bad one and just wanted to hear from others.....

Hope I don't come across as selfish - I play most of the day with the girls but wouold love a few moments break each day! I admire any mum who doesn't have any support at all - I know I am luck to have parents and DH.

Totally agree that it is the hardest time, but it really will pay off.

Agree with the need to schedule 'me' time
Can you put them in a creche whilst you go the gym? Can you get a regular babysitting slot eg every other saturday?

these things helped me stay sane in times of total overwhelm-ment ( is that a word?)

I have never put them into a creche as my parents have always looked after them but have often thoughts about it but slightly anxious about the whole "attatchment thing" -DD1 will be going to nursery next year for a morning a week so I hope she fits in ok.

I have friends with other children but wouldn't want to ask any of them as they are in the thick of it as well!

We did have an arrangement that me and DH would go out every month for a meal but that seems to have been forgotten about shoud really start that again.

Thanks for your support I am glad my feelings have been felt by others....

You don't sound selfish AT ALL, if anything I'm a bit worried that you think you shouldn't feel this way. Of course you need 'me' time, we all do. The creche at the gym is a lifesaver for me - I don't always work out while DS is in there either . Also, sometimes I go for a coffee on the way home from work, and DH puts DS to bed while I sit in Starbucks drinking a latte and regaining my sanity... Also on my breaks at work, instead of hanging out with colleagues I often just go for a walk by myself. It's what psychologists call 'proper selfishness' which is very important to be a good parent. Fit the oxygen mask to yourself first before attempting to help any children travelling with you...

why don't you hunt out some groups locally? we do a bit at our local sure start, they run stuff like a 'stampin feet' music/movement session, get-togethers for mums etc, where children can play together with heaps of toys and mums can get a cup of tea and even a wee in peace

well I sometimes think going work is a "break" of sorts - and that sounds bad doesn't it! I even just spead that bit longer in the loo there just for some "quiet time"

While I have been typing this I have DD1 on my lap while I have feeding DD2 her milk and getting her off to sleep.... If there was ever a sport in the olympics for multi-tasking MUMS would win if hands down everytime.

you sound hugely devoted to your children to me, too.
a wise friend who has five children told me upon the arrival of my first child, an unselfish mother makes selfish children
and the thing that i should do from the moment of him arriving is let him know that everyone has needs, not just him. how right she was.
think about it. you need to re-charge. we all do.

gigglewitch I have joined a few of those groups before and didn't really get on with them as there were to many cliques and DD1 didn't want to play to far from me - this was however before DD2 was born so maybe she may be different now. She plays with others at the clinic when I weigh DD2 every now and again...

I meet up with 1-2 good mum friends weekly though.

do your dc's not nap during the day at all?

....wise words..... since having DD2, DD1 realises she cannot have my time all of the time and she is lovely with her sister (at times when she doesn't try to take her toy off her!) but obviously as sheis still young she hasn't worked out yet I need time to!

that's a shame about the groups, the ones we do are pretty un-clique-y but i suppose that's just luck.
glad to hear you get out with other mum-friends
what is making you feel so much more down / trapped today?

dropdeadfred No they relay nap! As soon as one goes off to sleep the other wakes and vica versa! I have soooo tried to make their nap times match but have only managed about a 5 minute lap over!

gigglewitch I think its because I feel I don't have proper time to give the house a proper clean, I tripped over peppa pig today and knocked my elbow, the milk spilt in the fridge and DD2 is constipated making her whingey.....

DD1 just come over and gave me a kiss and cuddle and said "bub boo" - which is love you...

It will get easier. Mine dses are 3.1 and 2.1 and this morning they were playing so well together I managed to have some breakfast, a cup of tea and read the paper from cover to cover without having to intervene in a fight/keep them occupied or play at fire engines. Bliss!

bliss piggy and yours have an even smaller age gap than mine! Did you find it hard at first? (stupid question probably!)

piggy wow I am envious, I am having time on the PC at the moment whilst listening to Cbeebies (DS1) in the background and DS2 playing with spoons and a funnel. I yearn for the day when they are both at school.
changingmat I am sorry I don't have practical advice but just wanted to add to the others and say you really really aren't on your own.
Phases with children come and go and before you know it they will be giving you some time to yourself (albeit time for a bath / poo without being interupted)

Hideously hard! I look back now and wonder how on earth I managed.

I promise you it will get easier though. My two adore each other and having siblings so close in age has been so good for them (if hard for me and dh!)

I'm a bit anal about tidying up and every couple of hours in the morning (I work in the afternoon) we have a tidy up blitz and put things away. We make a game of it and it does seem to keep the worst of it at bay. I was sick and tired of falling over trains, cars etc every 5 minutes. I don't let them have another toy out until they've put away the ones they aren't playing with.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. Relax and try to enjoy it if you can. Before you know it they'll be off to school!

how about setting a small task for the house each day? JUST ONE, mind. i pick a room a day. thus i have a house with a different tidy room each day of the week

otherwise, my suggestion would be get out and don't look at the house!! is there somewhere you can get to with the kids that has some nice christmassy lights? garden centres are a fave with mine at the mo (age nearly7, 4 and 2)

Thanks ladies.... Yes tidying up is a game with DD1 most of the time which we do at the end of the day as no point during it....

I do try to get out at least once or twice on my days off but sometimes the weather puts that off....

Yes, I don't want to "will their lives away" but feel batteries will be well and truely charged when I get regular breaks each week when nursery/school starts.....

If your eldest is 2 you could always send her to pre-school a couple of mornings a week, assuming they've got spaces (good preparation for nursery too). It used to cost us £6.70 for a 2 1/2 hour session. My ds1 LOVED it and would ask for it the days he wasn't there. (Look forward to next year when ds2 is old enough.)
I also used to put ds1 and put ds2 in the creche at the gym to get some downtime which help-ed/s massively.
On a bad day I also treat myself to a coffee in a book shop. Ds1 is happy to wander off and choose books (I get 5 minutes between each one!) and ds2'll happily chew a toy in the pushchair. And I get a bit of the outside world and the sanity that comes with it (well worth £2). Plus they get a blast of fresh air on the way there and back which helps keep them calm too and makes them sleep well.
Hang on in there. I'm sure some normality will return one day!