Basically I’ve made one long mess of things.
I’ve got two beautiful dc.
And a DH who I shouldn’t be with for various reasons but mainly because I’ve realised over the previous twelve months or so that I’m gay.
This is not a conversation I can have with DH by any stretch of the imagination.
I am so worn down, I spend all my life justifying staying and then thinking no I must leave and then changing it back again. I cannot get any space and DH wouldn’t allow me to have some - if I said I were moving out for a few days to my mum’s that would be it. No way back. So I have to be sure.
I’ve stopped eating and sleeping and I’m struggling. I’m working full time but my heart keeps racing and I feel like I can’t breathe. I’ve not eaten for quite a number of days now and this is the first time I’ve ever felt I look thin, and bmi is now into the underweight category. I try to eat but just can’t.
DH knows something is wrong but has no idea it’s this. He thinks I’m just a bit down because of the pandemic.
This relentless back and forth in my mind is driving me mad and I know I need to lake a decision and stick at it but it never feels like a final decision.