Up until fairly recently I felt I was quite happy. You're going to have to stick with me for this it's long and I guess some may say unbelievable this is my life.
As a child I was sexually abused by someone very close to my family. To this day none of my family know, the abuser is dead and telling people seems pointless and distressing for them. I feel a huge amount of guilt as a child younger than me came out with a disclosure of abuse too - I could have stopped that. But didn't. This makes me feel very angry I guess. When he died I cried my eyes out. I was only 16 but I have no idea now why I was so upset and that kind of screws me up. My DD had a nasty sexual assault recently and this has upset me as it would any parent greatly. I guess that's why other stuff has resurfaced for me.
My parents did not and do not have a stable marriage. A lot of alcohol and drug misuse mixed in with some plain old fashioned domestic violence. I remember when things were bad wishing they would divorce. I'd go to school and feel it must be shining out of me and I felt I was screaming inside. Why did no one know?! I even called the police once SS didn't get involved and to this day my dad has not forgiven me for this. It was so frightening lying in my bed listening and hoping my mum wouldn't be killed - their arguments would go on for days. It was like an actual war zone and both would try to get my on side my mum would threaten suicide and I was scared to let her out of my sight in case. Things are still very tricky and my mum still needs a lot of emotional support.
I've had some poor health over the last few years and many operations lots of pain after some nasty physical accidents. This has not helped things especially the constant pain.
I have children but I'm a terrible mother although I love my children dearly they are challenging although they're somewhat older now ie not toddlers. We are living somewhere way too small for our needs but cannot find anywhere bigger that we can afford. I think some of the dc are not NT and the proximity of the house makes things harder for everyone.
Recently my father attacked my mother who is disabled very badly and I guess things have come to the surface a bit. I always thought that I was able to compartmentalise stuff but actually I think maybe all I've done is push it to one side alongside with all the other shit I've had to deal with and it now feels like a crisis. I don't know where to turn or what to do - my whole life feels a huge shit fest. I've completely messed my entire life up it feels like and despite my best efforts to remain positive I just can't. I feel so very lonely I used to have a group of friends but I've even alienated myself from them through my own fault. My husband is lovely but life is so busy that I can't even cling to that.
I have no energy or motivation to do anything I don't know where to turn all my life has been a series of big mistakes. I actually feel that if I was less of a wimp I would just do myself in. I'd like to get help but I just don't even know how or what or if anything can help me money is tight I can't afford therapy and I feel it's not chemical so antidepressants won't help. I'm not even sure what the point of writing all this is except I just had to vent. I am aware some of my stuff is v specific to me so please if I sound like someone you may know please do not mention to anyone for obvious reasons.