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Never shown any kindness in life

6 replies

Pineapplepizza83 · 20/07/2021 16:39

Just what my title says really. Most people think I'm exaggerating when I say this, but it's true. From the time I was little, I was bullied and put down in school, to the point where I developed severe agoraphobia and was afraid to even go outside. My older sister also hated and resented me from the day I was born which has continued to this day. My father dealt with depression and a very demanding job and I always felt it very hard to emotionally connect with him. My mother did her best and still does I guess, but she refused to ever eben acknowledge my sister's cruel behaviour and just said that it would never change.

Any friendships or relationships were also abusive in one way or another. A so called friend of many years, last year told me that she 'didn't need me' anymore after I went through a difficult time. Unfortunately friendships like this have been more the norm than the exception.

Romantic relationships have not been much better. One guy threatened to kill me on a number of occasions, kept stalking me for 2 years after the relationship ended and eventually I had to involve the police.

I'm told I'm a kind, empathic person and I know I'm a good person, yet I feel like I can't take much more. I frequently feel suicidal. I have taken a variety of medications and have a diagnosis of PTSD but most of them have limited effect. I also speak to a therapist but he just seems to want to blame everyone else for my problems and that is not helpful to me.

I feel incredibly alone with all of this and like there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I deserved all of this bullying and abuse. I don't even feel like a whole person anymore and am really struggling to go on

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 20/07/2021 16:54

No one deserves to be bullied or abused and there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, however it could be that your perception is a bit skewed.

Lots of people don't get on with their siblings (me included!) but - from your brief description - your parents weren't abusive. If your friendship lasted 'many years' then there must have been some good times within those years? If people have told you that you are a kind, empathic person I'm guessing that kindness went in both directions?

Please have a good read through this article to get some understanding of negative core beliefs and how to challenge them. Also this guide to cognitive distortions may ring true for you - here

Sarahlou63 · 21/07/2021 11:21

Saw this and thought of you.

"It's madness
to hate all roses
because you got scratched with one thorn,
to give up all dreams
because one of them didn't come true,
to give up all attempts
because one of them failed.

It's folly to condemn all your friends
because one has betrayed you,
to no longer believe in love
just because someone was unfaithful
or didn't love you back,
to throw away all your chances to be happy
because something went wrong.

There will always be another opportunity,
another friend,
another love,
a new strength.
For every end,
there is always a new beginning.....

And now here is my secret,
a very simple secret:
It is only with the heart
that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye."

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry,
The Little Prince

Pineapplepizza83 · 21/07/2021 13:56

@Sarahlou63 that's so lovely thank you. I think you are right about cognitive distortions, I have been reading a lot about it and it makes a lot of sense to me. I need to tell myself that there is always time to change things and to hopefully meet more caring people

OP posts:
MsAmerica · 22/07/2021 01:34

Pineapple, one crucial - but sometimes difficult - thing is to find the right therapist. If you can tell that he's not a good match for you, you need to start looking around to replace him. Yes, it might be awkward, but don't worry about hurting his feelings. You're the client, and you get to choose what you want.

It's right that it might be somewhat a matter of perception, but often there is something about a person's manner that somehow alerts the bully. And that's something you can easily start to work on.

Good luck.

Wavingwillowtree · 22/07/2021 04:34

Need to go to sleep now but just wanted to send these Flowers

Oblomov21 · 22/07/2021 05:34

Could you try another therapist? One that helps you put practices into place for you yourself?

Because blame culture when you think of it can be partly pointless. Or only the starting point. Eg : Your Dh, sister etc have done damage, but even if you got them to admit this and be genuinely sorry, it still wouldn't change the fact that you then need to move into point 2, putting practical and mental things in place to help you overcome things, deal with things going forward.

So how about finding a counsellor that whilst acknowledges point 1, swiftly moves into point 2?

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