Just feel so utterly alone and need support

[Vanillacupcakeyummy]

I feel chronically alone and some days I feel like it will break me. Pretty much ever since I was back at school, I have been bullied or abused by others which has led to me totally losing all faith in people. By nature I'm a very kind and empathic person, I love helping and trying to make the world a better place wherever I can, but all I seem to ever have received from people is hostility and abuse. Even my own sister has hated my very existence from birth and this has never changed.

I had 2 amazing friends die within 5 years of each other, they were only in their 30's and in some ways, I don't think I ever fully grieved those losses. Any friends I've had since then have just discarded me like rubbish after a while. I have joined a lot of groups, but only ever seem to meet acquaintances and the contact never goes any further even when I try to make an effort.

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me and cry myself to sleep almost every night because I feel so alone. I'm in my late 30's and all I can see is years more of being alone and not feeling connected to anyone

I do attend therapy but that has just been over the phone the past year due to covid and I miss the sense of having that in person connection and also the sense of privacy as I live in a flat with thin walls.

Some days I genuinely just don't want to be here anymore, but I would never have the courage to end my life.

Hi OP, hoping someone else comes along for advice but I didn't want to leave without a reply.

I'm sorry for your loss

It does sound like you could do with some further support. Have you considered (or already tried) speaking to your GP? You wouldn't have to go down the medication route but I wonder if you could just discuss it with them.

Also look at the NHS Every Mind Matters site. You can "swap" suggestions it makes until you find some you like. I've installed a walking app that monitors when I walk and whether it's brisk. It feels like I'm doing something concrete to help myself. Also enjoying nature is known to be good for mental health.

It's good you've tried groups, I understand that need for a connection and to not be lonely. Times are harder at the moment (harder to make new connections I think with Covid). Have you got any interests that you could take up? Learning an instrument, a new language, painting class? Or you might be able to meet people through volunteering if you have the time, since you say you're caring and like helping people. Sorry you've had bad experiences trying to connect but don't give up. x

This si particularly sad, because it sounds as if you did everything right - found some good friends in the past, went to groups to meet new people, were speaking with a therapist.

The good news - which you probably know - is that you should be able to start seeing your therapist in person in the near future. I wonder what kind of groups you tried...? If you joined purely social groups, try activity groups for something you enjoy. That will not only have you doing something that cheers you up, but you'll automatically have something in common with the people you meet. Also, the aforementioned brisk walking is a very good idea - exercise is the single most helpful thing when you're depressed.

@HelloMist thanks for your kind words. I do think it would be good to to and speak to my Gp about things. I also really like the sound of the walking App that you downloaded as I enjoy walking. I used to go to a few knitting and book groups, so I'm hoping they may meet up in person again in the next few months.

@MsAmerica thank you . It seems like I will have to look for a new therapist because I don't think my other therapist wants to go back to in person therapy and I just don't feel comfortable with speaking over the phone. In the past I mainly joined walking and book groups. I was part of a knitting group which I really enjoyed, hopefully they will be able to meet up again in the next few months

Sorry to hear this. I second the GP and also spending as much time as is possible for you outside and exercising. Remind yourself if you can how beautiful life is visit the beach feel the same listen to the waves. Fill your time with experiences and hope that you may meet some like minded people along the way. Take up a new hobby when you are busy you dont always have time to feel so alone. All of this is said with a caveat that without the right help and medication possibly from your GP this may seem like a mountain to climb but you can get there in time.

You're welcome. :) Knitting sounds nice! Also the walking and books. I'm glad you have some ideas, hope knitting group is able to meet again soon.

Vanilla, again, your instincts sound exactly right. It's important to find a therapist who's a good match, and it might take some time, but it's worth it to look around. Don't be shy about telling your current therapist the truth, and asking for referrals to others. (And, don't forget, this is the therapist's work, and if there are enough people who announce they're leaving because of wanting in-person appointments, the therapist may re-consider and re-open.)

Walking is the easiest form of exercise, and, depending on your life, sometimes you can just incorporate it into your day. For me, I never walk for pleasure or exercise, but I walk a lot just to do daily errands.

A book club and knitting group are both great low-key places to start off, but you might also want to try something less familiar and more adventurous, like taking a class or doing political volunteering, if that's a possibility.

Best of luck.

Hi Op

It’s definitely sounds like you need some further support. It takes a long time to recover from longer term issues, and it sounds like you need a change in your circumstances which is difficult but it can be done. Step by step

Have you thought about what changes you want to make in your life and considered what you can do to change this?

I think a lot of people have felt very lonely
In lockdown too, myself especially, it’s been difficult without human contact. Things might be amplified right now because of this and we are slowly heading in to a life where we can meet up again and it won’t be too long when you are having that one to one therapy again!