Terribly anxious of social comparison regarding my DCs

[Isla21July]

I really don't know what to do.

I have two lovely dc's, aged 7 and 9. I really love them dearly. Most of the time, when we spend time together, I find it easy to accept their flaws - e.g. when they cannot spell a word correctly, when they act like children act, when they are just being their wonderful selves.

Things seem to turn complete upside down the moment we enter the social world around us - that can be as little as stepping out of the frontdoor and facing our neighbours. My social comparison stress peaks immediately. I try not to show it to my children but the storm inside of my head is very, very exhausting. I am now at the point where I feel drained and very exhausted because of my inner voice.

Triggers seem to be everywhere:

-a 5-year-old neighbour reading a book > instant fear of humiliation and failure because neither of my dc's were literate at that age, only 1-2 years later. My heart rate goes up, I feel like I need to "escape" from the park where I see that "smart kid that will beat me with their intelligence". I feel horror even though I manage to stay calm, talk nicely to the neighbours and I even manage not to express any resentful thoughts to my dc's. Nobody knows about my inner struggle.

-A parent encouraging their child in any form (learning to ride a bike, learning to swim, naming flowers, birds etc - esp. anything intellectual). Feel instantly very agitated and desperate to "catch up": like life was a horrible competition of the fittest, the smartest, the most verbal. I become very self-concious and start talking to my children differently - cultivating more difficult words hoping they would learn them and hoping that somehow this way our family will be safe. Whatever that means!

I have googled this and haven't become much wiser. It seems to me that somehow I don't know what happens if I "lose". The only thing is that I cannot precisely describe what the "loss" is: I don't think my dc's should become neurosurgeons. Any job, with adequate salary, would be complete fine. I'm not a Chinese tiger (is that how they call esp. Asian 1 gen. immigrants who push their kids to success?). I just seem to fear with total horror something - that other people succeed and me, my kids, especially me, fail. That I don't know what then happens to me.

I haven't got to OxBridge, I haven't always got the best grades. So I should know that even though I sometimes was not the best, nothing terrible, really devastating, happened. Never.

I should mention English is not my first language.

Can anyone relate? Any guesses what makes me so stuck and panicky with very exhausting thoughts. This has been with me for several years - sometimes less, now popping up again.

This sounds like intrusive thoughts/anxiety.

Have you sought any support?

Yes I have sought support, two years of CBT. No help with this problem so far. Huge progress otherwise, like to more health anxiety etc. Summer break from CBT seems to trigger this - again :(

sorry - meant to write "NO more health anxiety"!

Have you tried meditation? Properly given it a go?

I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with this so much. I was raised in a violent house where excelling was the only route to safety and I hate that my children don't excel because it hits something deep inside me.

I know this is my problem not theirs, and DH doesn't feel it so he keeps me grounded.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I try to take joy in the little things they do, and in the fact that they are happy

Are you a very competitive person OP in other respects?

Op did a significant adult in your past place a lot of value on education and success?

Can you remember a time when you were made to feel shame for not achieving to a certain standard.

I wondering if some of your anxiety is coming from past trauma or values that you have been raised with.

Do you have past trauma? I would try EMDR. It will take you through the worst thought about the situation, and what you would like to think, and help you process any associated past memories, emotions and body sensations and the feelings will fade, and you can strengthen the new belief.

OP, I recognise the feelings although not in anyway to the same extent. What I have realised, in my professional career at a relatively high level is that academics count for so very little. Social skills, personality, charisma all get you ahead, nobody wants to know what your grades were.

This all relates to your own childhood, but I'm sure you know that.

Read this for both you now and for your child going forward. I would hope your 2 years of CBT should have delved into this but maybe it hasn't.

child = children

@Chrysanthemum5

I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with this so much. I was raised in a violent house where excelling was the only route to safety and I hate that my children don't excel because it hits something deep inside me.

I know this is my problem not theirs, and DH doesn't feel it so he keeps me grounded.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I try to take joy in the little things they do, and in the fact that they are happy

Thank you so much - you are honestly the first person I know who has a similar experience. Hope you will overcome this exhausting mental struggle some day, rather sooner than later.

OP, one thing I think you need to work on is recognising that your children are not you — note that you start off by talking about tolerating your children’s flaws, but the moment you’re out of the house, you seem to lose the distinction between your children and you.

You see a child reading, and rather than comparing him with your children, you think ‘this smart kid who will beat me with their intelligence’.

You see a parent helping their child to learn a skill, and you panic about ‘catching up’, as if you were the child in the scenario, and start trying to inculcate vocab in your children, so you’re not ‘losing’.

OP, I’m the eldest child of someone who didn’t understand that her children weren’t an aspect of her, and extended her panic about being in the world to us — she’s a timid, fearful person and automatically viewed us as ‘losers’ too, because we were hers. It was a very difficult thing to grow up with. It sounds dangerously close to what you say here.

Regardless of what help you seek for your own issues, the best thing you can do for your children is to recognise they are their own independent selves, and that their reading levels, skills etc aren’t about you ‘losing’.

I'm sorry you're going through this. CBT should help with this kind of thing, but obviously this is really ingrained in you for whatever reason. I don't know if you've tried The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David D Burns? It has a good practical approach to putting in context the sort of 'Catastrophising thoughts' you are having about your parenting/what people might think of your kids.

That you do see this isn't right is a great start at least, I hope you can find some help. Invasive thoughts are the worst!

@IHateCoronavirus

Op did a significant adult in your past place a lot of value on education and success?

Can you remember a time when you were made to feel shame for not achieving to a certain standard.

I wondering if some of your anxiety is coming from past trauma or values that you have been raised with.

I have siblings who are not "affected" similarly, I definitely struggle the most. But I know we were raised by parents whose parents were WW2 survivors. I only know everyone had to work a lot in the post-war era. A lot.

I was actually never pushed to study, my extended family had many who had skipped school. I somehow ended up studying hard to be safe, intuitively. I heard a lot of "survival talk" as a child. I remember many times it was made clear that sick leave, accidents etc cause a huge financial struggle and you become useless, like "in a war, if you get wounded, you are useless. That's why you need to be careful all the time" (this is actually a true citation). This resonates in my mind like I don't know what happens if I fail. What if I'm not the most capable - who am I then? I feel like I shrink.

@GoWalkabout

Do you have past trauma? I would try EMDR. It will take you through the worst thought about the situation, and what you would like to think, and help you process any associated past memories, emotions and body sensations and the feelings will fade, and you can strengthen the new belief.

Not that I'm aware of a past trauma but you might be right. Thank you

@Echobelly

I'm sorry you're going through this. CBT should help with this kind of thing, but obviously this is really ingrained in you for whatever reason. I don't know if you've tried The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David D Burns? It has a good practical approach to putting in context the sort of 'Catastrophising thoughts' you are having about your parenting/what people might think of your kids.

That you do see this isn't right is a great start at least, I hope you can find some help. Invasive thoughts are the worst!

Have never heard of this book, but will def give it a try. Thank you, this was helpful

@Sarahlou63

This all relates to your own childhood, but I'm sure you know that.

Read this for both you now and for your child going forward. I would hope your 2 years of CBT should have delved into this but maybe it hasn't.

OMG, this is really an amazing source. I will work on this. Thank you. Like I said, I'm gonna have 4 more weeks without my weekly CBT and I need a tool. I'm sure this will help me through these weeks.

@Lou573

Are you a very competitive person OP in other respects?

CBT has helped me immensely in many other aspects so far.I used to be very competitive. I used to compete about walking speed. Like I increased my walking speed whenever other people were around. I no longer do that - it looks ridiculous. Or I used to type on laptop as fast as I could to impress people - now I take my time and actually hate hurrying up. I no longer tolerate the rush of adrenaline into the system. That's why I so desperately want to get rid of this final burden - social comparison, fear of total unworthiness.

@Lou573

OP, I recognise the feelings although not in anyway to the same extent. What I have realised, in my professional career at a relatively high level is that academics count for so very little. Social skills, personality, charisma all get you ahead, nobody wants to know what your grades were.

Wise words, thank you