Feeling increasingly sad/down

[CookieClub]

Hi all.

I am really struggling at the moment, I feel incredibly low and very tearful.

I split with my Husband just before lockdown #1, found out he was doing drugs and had committed adultery - it was, I believe, very out of character for him and I guess some sort of breakdown.

Obviously it'd been an emotional rollercoaster, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to put a front on and act like I am okay - I feel absolutely shattered and lost and I miss him.
We were teenager sweethearts, so he is all I've ever known and if I'm honest I have days where I don't want to go on without him - I find these are getting more frequent...I've gone through the anger/hatred bit and I guess now I'm at acceptance, I just feel incredibly incredibly sad and numb.

We co-parent affectively, but even he has said he is concerned about me as I keep crying a lot recently. I just can't seem to get a grip, I feel really lost and worthless. I (stupidly) focused my whole life around our children and my Husband, I wasn't working I was a SAHM, and I realise now how foolish this was as I was totally dependent on him for my happiness...he was my safe place and my security, so to have him behave that way has really shocked and devastated me.

I just want to feel better. I feel like I'm just bluffing my way through the motions, plodding along working and parenting, and that I'm just on autopilot - I feel exhausted and depressed about being separated; and grieving for my best friend.

I can't seem to shake it off.

Hi CookieClub,

What a very tough place to be. And totally understandable that you feel that way. You've really had the rug pulled from under you, and during a time when even the most unshakeable of lives has been shaken by outside events.

I'm not very well placed to advise. But I do know that you're not alone at all in finding yourself in that sort of place, and that you're capable of feeling better, because people do. I didn't want your post to sit unanswered. Have you thought about contacting your GP? What you're feeling is as natural a response as your body getting ill after encountering some sort of physical illness, and is just as needing of proper treatment, and can be alleviated similarly, too.

I hope someone else will be able to chip in and help, but just articulating the problem, even on this anonymous forum, is a step towards making it better.