Messy house- is this depression or laziness?

[ladychatalot]

My house is a cluttered mess. Things got worse during the last lockdown as I wasn't having anyone around.

I'm now too embarrassed to invite anyone around. I am mortified by the state of my house and don't know how to fix it.

I don't know why I'm like this. I'm give the appearance of being 'together' in other parts of my life, but I just can't sort it out.

Its really getting me down- why am i like this? I do have depression and anxiety, but not sure if this is a symptom or a cause?

Has anyone else been like this and managed to find a solution?

Look up ADHD in women (if you are a woman). See if the symptoms fit.

Sounds very much like ADHD.

A cleaner if you can afford it, even just once a month for a quick blitz, tidy and sort will seriously save your sanity.

I've wondered if I have ADHD before, but hadn't considered it as a cause of my messy house.

It does make sense. Thanks - I'll look it up.

I think I need to get a cleaner. Have avoided up till now as felt it was a waste of money, but I'm clearly incapable of doing it myself!

it's not easy to keep tidy for only yourself.
especially as we had lockdown a lot of people stopped being motivated to keep up appearances.

I don't think you are lazy but not qualified to comment on depression.

I recommend this book. it's got a lot of self-analysis to create self-awareness so you can see why you do or avoid certain things that makes you disorganised.
it also offers ideas on how to work with who you are and what you like rather than trying to change you.
I found that very motivating

This book changed my life, I’m embarrassed to admit. Everything in the book is also in her podcasts though she rambles a lot.

Yes I’ve been there OP. I also think I have ADHD. Currently I’m managing well. My head feels good. I don’t feel depressed. However the weather has a massive impact on how my day goes and I have to fight against the urge to hide under the duvet on dark rainy days. Interestingly for me, lockdown has actually had a positive impact on my depression and I’ve been keeping my house a lot better. I think the slowed down version of life suits me.

Messy house (and work desk) is my most obvious sign. The rest of my ADHD was all kept well hidden at very, very great mental cost.
I am now diagnosed and medicated. House is still messy! But I am learning lots of strategies that will mean it won’t stay that way forever.

Go and deal with 10 small jobs right now. Tiny jobs, if possible all in one room. For example, 1. Pick up a cushion, 2. Put a wrapper in the bin.
Either you'll gain momentum or you'll have at least achieved 10 tiny things.

Handle everything only once.

So your post arrives, ditch the envelope in recycling and file the bill. Don't dump it on the kitchen workspace.
You open a tin of beans, don't put the empty tin on the drainer, remove the label and rinse the tin and pop in the recycling.

You cook, pop dirty utensils, pans in the sink and fill with water to soak OR put in dishwasher, eat your food clear the table of dirty plates, cups but do the (minimal at this point, because this keeps you on top of it ) washing up straight away / put in dishwasher Etc

@coodawoodashooda

Go and deal with 10 small jobs right now. Tiny jobs, if possible all in one room. For example, 1. Pick up a cushion, 2. Put a wrapper in the bin. Either you'll gain momentum or you'll have at least achieved 10 tiny things.

This works for me. I feel overwhelmed if I think about tackling all I have to do so I don’t do it. But if I decide to just do one quick job, like shredding some paperwork while the kettle boils if find it gives me a feel good buzz and I am able to do a bit more. I do everything in small chunks of time. It probably seems lazy to others- only doing 15 minutes of something then stopping- but it’s the way my brain needs to do it. And sometimes once I’m started I feel able to carry on after the 15 minutes.

Adhd here too, perfectly able to manage in life, except for always having a messy house. Didn't realise distraction was the issue. Also executive function & control.

Do one room only for 15 mins. Have a coffee. Do not leave the room, put the stuff for other rooms in a basket. Maybe do a few minutes more, have another sit down...

Yeah but it either means you build momentum or you actually get stuck in. Pps comment about, 'only handling everything once,' is excellent. I can't recommend decluttering enough. I've been busy at work so my kitchen cupboards aren't in the best shape but because every six months or so I ruthlessly clear things out it won't take long to achieve this again. It has taken years to get to this point though so don't be hard on yourself.

@coodawoodashooda @Ariela Thanks for the tips - I'm definitely going to try these.

Thanks for all your comments. Makes me feel so much better that I'm not the only one!

@Ariela You open a tin of beans, don't put the empty tin on the drainer, remove the label and rinse the tin and pop in the recycling. you don’t need to rinse , or remove labels. Just put straight in the recycle bin and save time.

This sounds so familiar! I keep a notebook where I write down things I want to do from the simple stuff like emptying the bin to the bigger projects like painting. No matter how big or small it goes in the notebook each night before I go to bed. Then the next day depending on how I'm feeling I choose jobs from the book. I get a huge sense of satisfaction drawing a line through those I've completed! Ok so some things never get done but hey that's ok!

My house is definitely better than it was and it means I feel like I'm achieving something rather than hazing in disparity at the chaos round me!

A lot of advice about housework and decluttering etc doesn't tackle how it feels to be a "messy" person.
I used to subconsciously associate not tidying with being "free" and relaxed....
Until that moment when the mess makes you miserable because you are too embarrassed to let anyone in the house and start screaming when you lose things and can't find clean clothes and moths are flying around...
I digress...

Do a little. Have no goals. Pick up one thing. Enjoy the feeling of clearing a cluttered surface.
Try not to associate tidying and cleaning with panic or self judgement.
Enjoy every bit of housework to start with. Then move on to bits you enjoy less like taking bins out.
Eventually it all becomes satisfying.

Continue not to judge yourself, take pleasure in your house FOR YOU and not for others.
Some days it will still be messy because you want it that way, or have other things that trump tidying cleaning, other days it will be cleaner, because that gives you pleasure, on those days.
It is YOUR house.
PS paint colour charts are my pickme up...when my house depresses me I read them and Mumsnet recommendations for paint, and then I always feel more inclined to tidy up.

Gazing in despair ffs

I could have written your post.

Day to day stuff I can just about cope with. Cooking, washing, cleaning, putting stuff away, eventually. Although the place could do with a bloody good clean. What I have trouble with is the mountains of old clothes, toys, general clutter etc that I just don’t know what to do with. Some can go down the charity shop but some needs sorting and washing. I’ve got piles of old clothes in my bedroom. I just don’t know what the fuck to do with them. I sit there and look at the mess and then I distract myself with something else and it doesn’t get sorted.

Dh is just as bad. There’s so many jobs started round the house that never get finished. Whole rooms undecorated, flower beds half built, trees pruned and the branches left in the garden. He’s still got stuff of his dads in the garage to sort through and Fil has been dead five years.

We’re as bad as each other. You’re definitely not alone. I wondered if the pandemic and the lockdowns had actually made me worse. Do you think it’s had an effect on you?

@MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig

I could have written your post.

Day to day stuff I can just about cope with. Cooking, washing, cleaning, putting stuff away, eventually. Although the place could do with a bloody good clean. What I have trouble with is the mountains of old clothes, toys, general clutter etc that I just don’t know what to do with. Some can go down the charity shop but some needs sorting and washing. I’ve got piles of old clothes in my bedroom. I just don’t know what the fuck to do with them. I sit there and look at the mess and then I distract myself with something else and it doesn’t get sorted.

Dh is just as bad. There’s so many jobs started round the house that never get finished. Whole rooms undecorated, flower beds half built, trees pruned and the branches left in the garden. He’s still got stuff of his dads in the garage to sort through and Fil has been dead five years.

We’re as bad as each other. You’re definitely not alone. I wondered if the pandemic and the lockdowns had actually made me worse. Do you think it’s had an effect on you?

Me too

I struggle to keep my house tidy. My parents are hoarders and I wasn't brought up with any concept of putting things away and everything having a place. I've had to learn this as an adult but if I don't concentrate I can just lapse into leaving things all over the place. I also suffer from depression and find it hard to motivate myself if things build up.

A trick I use on myself - telling myself to tidy an area for 10 minutes - it's surprising what you can get done in 10 minutes and sometimes once I have done 10 minutes I am spurred to finish the area, but even if not there is an improvement.

Same here husband came from a one child home with a cleaning obsessed mum so he expects everything clean and tidy. Well not a chance I wake up thinking I will do certain things and it doesn't get done.
I don't know if its because I am too tired all the time or just don't seem to be able to get motivated. Also feel like I am abit of a slave and no one is capable of doing anything eg. Husband knocked a cup of tea over the bed and I get shouted get up here and help.
Then I have lazy children one at 17 and 13 years but they never wash up after themselves. Leave they shoes all over which I have fallen over before. Then say this house needs cleaning when they do nothing.
Then I think maybe it's because it doesn't matter how much cleaning I do it won't look any better. The whole house needs decorating new carpets and furniture. Then money haven't got any spare after bills and food. My husband the clean freak says he shouldnt have to live like this.
Its all depressing

Sal

The "fly lady" on YouTube helped me with this. Its basically about incorporating routines in your day so things dont become overwhelming. She tells you exactly what to do. Also she says the reason you arent tackling the housework is because you're a perfectionist and think you dont have time. You do have time to do something- maybe not finish cleaning a room completely or even a part of a room but even 15 minute increments of cleaning add up throughout the day. When i feel demotivated i watch fly lady videos or other cleaning videos on you tube and clean alongside them.

One thing which has always helped me is to do one job.
So, go get a bin bag and walk round the whole house and try to fill the bin bag with rubbish. Don’t worry about any other job - just focus on that.
The next time walk round the whole house looking for dirty washing to fill the machine or dirty washing up to fill the dish washer etc.

@ladychatalot

I've wondered if I have ADHD before, but hadn't considered it as a cause of my messy house.

It does make sense. Thanks - I'll look it up.

I think I need to get a cleaner. Have avoided up till now as felt it was a waste of money, but I'm clearly incapable of doing it myself!

I think I and the kids are naturally messy. I got a cleaner in to follow me round. So I cleared a room, she cleaned it. It was just for an afternoon but now downstairs is still clean, upstairs landing is still a bit cluttered with stuff needing put away, clean laundry, random bag odd socks etc,nrecycling centre and charity bags. Do a whizz round of all downstairs rooms every day. Upstairs gets cleaned once a week.

You have to rinse around here! It also gets smelly if you don’t.