So scared of what my daughter might do

[fungussingstheblues]

My DD is 14, cutting her arms and legs, purging and has had suicidal thoughts. She's had two emergency CAMHS appointments and been put back on the regular waiting list each time. They said suicidal ideation didn't mean she has an active plan to die. She probably won't be seen by them until December or January now (I'm trying to get her private counselling in the meantime.)

She won't talk to me about ANYTHING to do with her mental health other than basic admin stuff like arranging appointments. I think she wants me to pretend that all is fine and there's nothing wrong. But I am getting increasingly more worried, starting to lose sleep/wake up in the night worrying about her. She has told CAMHS that if she were to end her own life, she would take an overdose of pills and of course I am as vigilant as I can be, but her room's a mess and she could hide them anywhere (she did say to CAMHS she had no plans to do this at the moment, but I have no idea whether I can believe that or not). She also made some cuts to her neck, but told CAMHS this was not a serious attempt to kill herself.

She is mature for her age, but I still think she has absolutely no concept of the utter, permanent devastation her suicide would cause. I want to tell her, "Each night I go to bed not knowing if I will see you alive again. You killing yourself is the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen. The people who love you would never recover, and I could barely carry on living without you." This is what I want to say. I know that it's not fair to land her with all my worry as well and make it all about me, but at the same time, I'm also worried that she thinks I'm being too casual about things and almost not bothered. What should I tell her? I'm not expecting her to offer anything back, but I really feel I want her to listen. So terrified of saying the wrong thing. But not as terrified as I am of losing her.

I think you should say exactly that to her, it's exactly what she needs to hear to know she's needed and wanted here.

What an awful situation.

Don’t be afraid to openly talk about suicide and ask whether she has plans for her suicide.

Talking about it won’t increase the chances of her doing it.

I hope school can help you

Thanks, Use627, I was worried it would be offloading all my "stuff" onto her iyswim. I do want to tell her.

User5827ect, thanks, I have tried to talk in the past but she completely closes up, won't even consider talking to me about anything. This is why I think I can only talk TO her for a short while and try and express all this stuff, and not talk WITH her . She does talk to her friends and a teacher at school, which I'm obviously relieved about.

I was that kid. My mum told me that. It helped. Particularly that last sentence.

I've been there. In the end I told the team that if my son carried out his thoughts and threats I would hold them responsible and I asked them to document me saying it. I told them I couldn't watch him 24/7 and keep him safe. It was affecting my own MH. The fear every morning of going into his room etc.

Try that approach, contact crisis team, social services, school etc and try and get as many people involved and aware. Good luck. My son is still here x

I’m afraid I have no experience of any of this so can’t be very wise but my first thought was - what if you write to her?
You can tell what you want her to know and be able to word it very carefully. I couldn’t say any of that to my DD without sobbing hysterically (probably unhelpful) so In your shoes I’d write it down.
Do you know what has triggered all this?

Thanks all, this is really helpful. Evvyjb, thank you. I'm so sorry you were that kid - but you're still here

Newname, thank you. I'm so worried that I'm underplaying it and not pushing hard enough, you're right.

Smartiepants, thanks, I'll think about writing to her. We really don't know what the root cause of it is - neither we nor her. No big life upheavals, stable home, she's confident and outgoing, it's so bizarre.

My DD started self harm at 13, the internet was her best source of information. She is 16 and settled in a residential placement now but it has been a long 3 years. Help only came once a Social Worker got involved and even then CAMHS weren't that helpful.
Your DD has no concept of how her actions are affecting you as she is so overwhelmed with how she is feeling.
Do you know what has triggered this self harming?

Sorry, just seen the end of the last post.
Could it be caused by some sort of chemical imbalance? Has your DD seen a doctor yet?

Anxiety and panic disorders are very common in young teens, could this be a trigget? There is a Facebook group called Calm Conversations, they have some good advice and l agree with other posters, keep ensuring her she is a much loved and important member of the family. My youngest son had these kind of thoughts at 13/14, he was diagnosed a low dosage anti depressant, he is 16 now and mentally and physically in a much better place. No longer on medication. I feel for you both, it s heart breaking to go through this, you really need to take care of yourself as well, it takes alot out of you. Good luck.

berry, yes, she's been to GPs a couple of times and had blood tests – for the purging as well as the self harming. All came back normal.
So sorry to hear about your DD - you mean she is living away from home aged 16?

Moonface, thank you, I'll check that out, though whenever I have passed any resources to her –let her know about apps or given her a book –she's been completed uninterested. But I'll check that out for me. That's good to hear about your DS. DD does say she has anxiety and is being offered anti-anxiety meds, but she's not keen as she knows they will only stop the physical symptoms and not the cause (whatever that is).

I would absolutely tell her that. My world would fall apart and I would be beyond devastated and completely grief stricken if my daughter was to end her life!

Yes, at 13 she moved from self harm to suicide attempts within about 6 weeks. This brought her to the attention of Social Services (hospital called them). Over the last 2 years she has been an inpatient at a secure hospital in our area 3 times and is now living in a secure residential placement where she is doing very well.
I think as your DD is older, a counsellor trained in self harm could help, especially as your DD cannot talk about things to you. But it could take too long to be referred, so maybe you might need to go private which is not cheap but you sound like you both need help NOW.
Type in "Counselling Services" and your area as a start.

If you get someone privately make sure they are registered with BCAP. If you go on their website you can find a counsellor near you. xxx

One thing that social workers use is going for a drive or walk as its easier for someone to open up when they are not face to face, but side by side, iyswim.

I think its fine to tell her you would be devastated, you love her etc. as long as you say it with the context that you can ALWAYS talk to me.