I had a ONS and feel disgusting in myself

[Ilovedolphins92]

I went out at the weekend and got absolutely hammered and ended up going back to the hotel of a man I met at the pub. I was with a big group of friends and they all know about it. The sex itself was was extremely rough to the extent that even now my body is aching and I feel like I’ve pulled various muscles, I am also covered in bruises. It wasnt enjoyable for me. I just feel absolutely ashamed - I know I haven’t hurt anyone or anything but I feel like I have let myself down massively, I had been celibate for almost a year and now I just feel so slaggy (I hate that word but it’s apt). We didn’t use anything, whilst I did get the morning after pill I’m yet to take a test (ordered one but apparently need to wait 2 weeks to do it). I don’t know what to do about the feelings of self disgust I feel, I am so embarrassed and regretful and like I just want to hide away somewhere and heal emotionally. Don’t really know what I want anyone to say even just someone to talk to.

I'm so sorry you are feeling rough.
I'd say, first and foremost, think about self care. You are not a slag, you haven't done anything wrong, you are worth looking after. No one should be judging you.

So- pregnancy test, ASAP. Perhaps a visit to a sexual health clinic to talk through what happened and get whatever help they can offer.

It sounds as though you weren't fully able to consent, if you'd drunk that much. Do you feel you were? Are you disappointed in your friends for not protecting you, or embarrassed that they know what happened?

And the man sounds like a pig. Is he someone you'll have to see again?

I OP, just wanted to give you a virtual hug. You've done nothing wrong and you're not the first person to do something they regret after drinking, and you won't be the last. Good to get tested etc and put your health first. So sorry you feel rubbish though. Can you talk to someone in real life about what happened - it might help you process it and start to feel better about it. And also post drinking the sense of guilt and paranoia is often amplified, so please hold onto the fact that you will start to feel better soon. I do think you should talk to someone though 💐💐💐

I misread, dolphins, and thought you hadn't had the pill. Well done for sorting that out.

Is there a counselling service you can talk to anywhere? A phone line? It sounds like you need some support to work through this.

So many people have done this sort of thing often more than once in their lives. Let go of the negative feelings and try to put it out of your mind. Look back on it but don't stare. When I got divorced I was heartbroken and hd a few drunken ONS. I beat myself up over it for a long time but now I'm older I see It's all part of life experience

Thank you for your replies

I can’t even blame the man really as it’s my own fault for going out and getting blind drunk, I don’t think I seemed particularly out of it but I can’t remember half the night.

I’ve done this before in my early 20s but I feel too old now to be getting into these scrapes but I’ll try just to see it as a blip.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, I've been there and I know how horrible you end up feeling about yourself when In fact YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

I'm concerned by how drunk you say you were and how rough and violent the sex was, plus the fact that you didn't enjoy it, but you haven't explicitly said anything about this being non-consensual so I will assume it was.

Get the pregnancy test and an STD check when you can and beyond that, try to move on from it. It was unpleasant and dangerous, and you feel skeevy now, but you didn't do anything wrong and it doesn't mean anything about what kind of person you are.

You're not the first to get steaming drunk, have a ONS and/or feel miserable about it -you certainly won't be the last!

Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe book a visit to the sexual health clinic just to get checked over.

Take it easy for a few days if you can to rest your body and your mind.

"I can’t even blame the man really as it’s my own fault for going out and getting blind drunk, I don’t think I seemed particularly out of it but I can’t remember half the night"

I don't agree, sorry- you did nothing wrong, it was not your fault. I do blame the man- though of course I wasn't there and don't know how drunk he was.

Feeling like it's your fault is totally normal, even though it wasn't your fault at all. Even when it's a really clear cut obvious assault, women tend to feel it was their fault, somehow. (I wonder if it's the brain trying to protect us and make us feel safe and in control, rather than victimised).