Anyone else have a weird relationship with sleep? This might be triggering.

[lolingallovertheworld]

I posted this on chat and got a few helpful and lovely replies but I'm posting here for traffic. Hope it's a good place to post x

I love to sleep, but I have a very complex relationship with it. I wonder if anyone can relate?

Since early childhood, my bed has been my go-to. I used it to hide from the domestic abuse I was witnessing and I used it to hide from the threat of sibling bullying. I used sleep like a time machine, to transport me through the tough times. In the summer holidays I would sleep all day, to keep under the radar of my sibling, until my mum came home from work. I slept A LOT growing up.

When my abusive dad was gone (he would leave and come back all the time) I would sleep with my mum at night. I needed her close and my sibling would use the dark to scare me. My mum would keep a wooden spoon by the bedside and if I moved an inch, even to get comfortable, she would whack me with it. I was terrified and would lie there, dying to move, until she went to sleep. Then I'd get comfy and fall asleep.

My last relationship was abusive and he would use sleep as a tool to be cruel. He'd wait until I was asleep and come into the bedroom, turn on the lights, the TV, he'd "look for something " and slam the wardrobe and drawers shut. He did this almost every night for 13 years. When we had a baby we would come in just as I was settling baby and make noise, switch on lights etc and ruin the hours of time I'd spent getting the baby to sleep. Throughout our relationship he would refuse sex initiated by me, and later in the night I would wake to find him quietly wanking up against my back. I pretended to be asleep as I was so embarrassed and terrified.

6 years ago I was on a night out and my drink was spiked. I woke to a man doing terrible things to my unconscious body.

So although I still love sleep, I have had all these negative experiences relating to it. I have had a lot of therapy via women's aid but it's run out and I can't afford to go private. We never got around to this issue. I have such a complex bedtime routine now...I have to have a certain pillow, the room has be be a certain temp, the covers have to be a certain way. I have pillow spray, ear plugs and an eye mask. It's like a ritual.

So you see...I have this really complex relationship with sleep. I am happily married now and pregnant, and I am lying awake at night wondering how I am going to get through the long nights. Knowing that my bedtime rituals will have to go.

My husband is great he knows everything and I know he will be a very hands on father, we have spoken about how he will help so that's eased my anxiety somewhat. But I wondered if there was anyone else out there who had something similar, so that we can talk about shared experiences and I can feel less alone with it? Perhaps formulate a plan on how I can overcome my sleep issues?

Anyone around for a chat?

Hi there
I just read this and while I'm not sure I can help with the direct issue, I want to send you all my love and positive thoughts to help you through your pregnancy and the future.

It sounds like you've had a tough time and unfortunately around some horrible people quite frankly. Thankfully it sounds like your husband is good to you and can support. I hope you've been able to get away from the negative ones.

I'm certainly no expert but it sounds like the past was the past - and you have a wonderful future ahead. I can't lie, a new baby will certainly disrupt your sleep patterns and while that's hard work (for all the mamas!) I hope you can see it as a new chapter in your relationship with sleep. It's a new schedule to work with, and it's hard but part of having your beautiful new baby around! Naps are a great way to catch up during the first year!

I hope all the terrible associations from the past can be seen as history for you. Not easy and I understand you would have trauma from all of this but I hope you can let go of it somehow.

Not only is sleep really lovely, it is vital for us to live well - so don't think of it as a 'weird' thing - more just an understanding of yourself and how you value yourself and your rest.

I can imagine it did feel like an escape sometimes and it still can be at night - but try to remember that real life can also be the stuff of dreams. Try not be overtaken by bad things done by bad people. Absolutely none of that was your fault. At all. Remember that.

I wish you the ability to move forward and sleep comfortably when you need to, but importantly live your life in the present, and be AWAKE to the beauty in it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Lots of love

@lolingallovertheworld your bedtime rituals do not have to go, if these all help you, if they comfort you, you need to continue to use them. I wouldn’t look at them as rituals more as something you are doing to support yourself. A lot of people who haven’t suffered with the trauma you have use pillows sprays, eye masks etc, these things are advised by sleep experts to aid good sleep. I’m sorry that others have treated you so badly, you didn’t deserve any of it. I’d continue with your ‘rituals’ it’s a kindness to yourself, buy yourself nice pillows sprays, colourful masks, comfy bedding, comfy sleepwear, you can now get sleep hand creams with relaxing fragrances as well, see it as treat, you deserve it. Congratulations on your pregnancy

Thank you both so much, I really wasn't expecting any replies this morning. I am unable to reply in full just now but I wanted to say a quick thanks and I will be back later. Incidentally I had a wonderful sleep last night...with all my "rituals" well and truly in full force!

@lolingallovertheworld I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. I think you've done incredibly well to find a little routine that works for you and that brings you peace. I actually only started using a pillow spray and sleep mask to help get back to sleep after my baby would wake in the night, they're great aren't they!! I don't think you have to abandon them, just use them as and when you can throughout the night. That might take some getting used to but maybe your husband can help too by making sure some nights you get to go up early and do your proper routine. Maybe discuss your fears with him now so he can be ready to support you on the hard nights. And congrats on your pregnancy!

"I can imagine it did feel like an escape sometimes and it still can be at night - but try to remember that real life can also be the stuff of dreams. Try not be overtaken by bad things done by bad people. Absolutely none of that was your fault. At all. Remember that.

I wish you the ability to move forward and sleep comfortably when you need to, but importantly live your life in the present, and be AWAKE to the beauty in it." @lolingallovertheworld

These two paragraphs are beautifully put. I'm so focused on my precious sleep, I forget about how precious the AWAKE is. And that real life can also be the stuff of dreams. Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think i would be where I am today. Happy and safe and loving life. I didn't think it possible.

And yes, I don't need to abandon my little routines and sleep aids...thank you for making me see I can adjust them and create a new set of thoughts and beliefs around my sleep. The hand cream sounds lovely, I will be looking into that.

My husband...I have absolute faith that he will be a great help. I know he will do early mornings and will be up with me / baby in the night. I know he will come home from work and take over while I rest. We've spoken about it and I am 100% confident that he will do as he's said.

I just really need to work on making sleep less of an obsession.

Thank you so much for all the replies xxx

And thank you for saying that what happened to me wasn't my fault. On a very intellectual level I know this to be true but it's hard when you've spent a lifetime blaming yourself. It helps immensely to hear it on here from you guys.

I guess my real question, which I didn't articulate properly, is to do with my reaction when I am woken unexpectedly by someone. Its always knee jerk anger and I find it hard to calm myself down. I am worried I will resent the baby. How can I change this?

I haven't been through half of what you do but have sensory processing disorder and have to have similar "rituals" OP.

I try mindfulness exercises from headspace when I am angry, anxious or agitated.

Another thing I do when I'm panicking is slowly relaxing muscles one at a time and imagining my "shields" slowly going up, covering me from the end of feet up to the tip of the head. These protect me until I get up in the morning.

Meanwhile, you've probably thought of it before, but CBT or therapy for PTSD could help?

Hi. You won't resent baby. You will most likely struggle when being woken at times but you'll just be emotional at the fact you woke rather than the reason you were woken. This could be a time in your life where you can spend some time in your now stable happy life to get used to being woken. And as for your sleep rituals they are fine, that's healthy.
Most people have their own getting ready for bed/sleep routines.

I had a childhood where I was always on edge. I never really slept as I had to protect my siblings. Our parents were addicts and you can imagine the kind of people who were always around. We all slept in one bed to stay safe and warm. Then straight into a relationship and marriage in my late teens where I wasn't safe at night either.

I've had therapy over the years but I never really addressed the sleep. It had gone on for so long it felt normal. It wasn't until I started dating my husband and he stayed over that first time that I realised. Back then I'd have to spend a while locking every window door etc checking house was secure,about three times. Then hall light would need to be on, I'd insist I slept closest to the door, it had to be slightly ajar, I'd sleep with so many pillows lol I had to feel surrounded, a fan on for background noise....it was a bit of a faff but if I didn't have my shower and follow this ritual for bed I'd panic and not sleep. Suppose it was a bit OCD but it was the only area of my life where it happened. Future husband was like wtf. Had to warn him not to wake me by touch. He encouraged me to address it. Really really slowly I started dropping a pillow, dimmer switch in the hall that I slowly turned down till I could tolerate the dark etc. I then became pregnant and I had your same worries but baby would grumble about a bit and I was rarely startled awake. I'd feel anxious and sick upon waking in the dark but then seeing her little face waiting to be fed, that helped me start associating waking up in a nicer way.

I still have a bedtime ritual....no we call it a routine. But I can sleep in the dark with the door shut, I actually had windows open wide during the night recently woooooooo me!. I only need two pillows, I do still have to sleep closest to the door. Husband can cuddle me, even wakes me up with a kiss without me instinctively lashing out. It's not perfect. It's a work in progress.
So don't be hard on yourself and accept it takes time. It's our survival instinct isn't it so it's a hard habit to break.

Best of luck x

@lolingallovertheworld

I guess my real question, which I didn't articulate properly, is to do with my reaction when I am woken unexpectedly by someone. Its always knee jerk anger and I find it hard to calm myself down. I am worried I will resent the baby. How can I change this?

Hi @lolingallovertheworld I am currently suffering with my sleep, I regularly wake up through the night terrified, I am unable to stay asleep for very long as I launch out of bed feeling like I can’t breath or that I am suffocating or dying. I am diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder due to childhood abuse, have you looked into CPTSD? What you describe sounds very familiar to me, you mentioning you blaming yourself rings a bell, you said on a level we understand that it isn’t our fault but deep down we constantly blame & shame ourselves. I have been addressing all the above with a very good trauma therapist, there are lots of very good resources online regarding CPTSD & the effects of trauma which you have sadly experienced. Keep reminding yourself that you didn’t deserve any of this, be kind to yourself.

I don’t believe you will resent your baby, maybe you are waking up angry due to what others have done to you, this can be a good thing as it can be a step towards healing your past, be curious about that anger it’s telling you something - self protection. You are reaching out for help, continue doing this here & further afield.

Thank you thank you thank you both.

Blissfully I am so grateful you replied. I'm on school run now so can't reply properly but will come back to read your reply again...and again. I'm so sorry you had a hard time and thank you for sharing that it does get better.

I will be back xxx

Funktion...cross post. Thank you. Yes CPTSD, I have recently been looking into this after my therapist suggested it before our therapy ended. It definitely rings true and I am certain this is what I have. Being curious about myself my anger, etc...that's what my therapist said too, you've just reminded me. Thank you

@blissfulllife

Hi. You won't resent baby. You will most likely struggle when being woken at times but you'll just be emotional at the fact you woke rather than the reason you were woken. This could be a time in your life where you can spend some time in your now stable happy life to get used to being woken. And as for your sleep rituals they are fine, that's healthy. Most people have their own getting ready for bed/sleep routines.

I had a childhood where I was always on edge. I never really slept as I had to protect my siblings. Our parents were addicts and you can imagine the kind of people who were always around. We all slept in one bed to stay safe and warm. Then straight into a relationship and marriage in my late teens where I wasn't safe at night either.

I've had therapy over the years but I never really addressed the sleep. It had gone on for so long it felt normal. It wasn't until I started dating my husband and he stayed over that first time that I realised. Back then I'd have to spend a while locking every window door etc checking house was secure,about three times. Then hall light would need to be on, I'd insist I slept closest to the door, it had to be slightly ajar, I'd sleep with so many pillows lol I had to feel surrounded, a fan on for background noise....it was a bit of a faff but if I didn't have my shower and follow this ritual for bed I'd panic and not sleep. Suppose it was a bit OCD but it was the only area of my life where it happened. Future husband was like wtf. Had to warn him not to wake me by touch. He encouraged me to address it. Really really slowly I started dropping a pillow, dimmer switch in the hall that I slowly turned down till I could tolerate the dark etc. I then became pregnant and I had your same worries but baby would grumble about a bit and I was rarely startled awake. I'd feel anxious and sick upon waking in the dark but then seeing her little face waiting to be fed, that helped me start associating waking up in a nicer way.

I still have a bedtime ritual....no we call it a routine. But I can sleep in the dark with the door shut, I actually had windows open wide during the night recently woooooooo me!. I only need two pillows, I do still have to sleep closest to the door. Husband can cuddle me, even wakes me up with a kiss without me instinctively lashing out. It's not perfect. It's a work in progress.
So don't be hard on yourself and accept it takes time. It's our survival instinct isn't it so it's a hard habit to break.

Best of luck x

@whatsat

I haven't been through half of what you do but have sensory processing disorder and have to have similar "rituals" OP.

I try mindfulness exercises from headspace when I am angry, anxious or agitated.

Another thing I do when I'm panicking is slowly relaxing muscles one at a time and imagining my "shields" slowly going up, covering me from the end of feet up to the tip of the head. These protect me until I get up in the morning.

Meanwhile, you've probably thought of it before, but CBT or therapy for PTSD could help?

great advice

@lolingallovertheworld

Funktion...cross post. Thank you. Yes CPTSD, I have recently been looking into this after my therapist suggested it before our therapy ended. It definitely rings true and I am certain this is what I have. Being curious about myself my anger, etc...that's what my therapist said too, you've just reminded me. Thank you

this is a good book which relates to trauma & the effect on the body www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Transformation-Trauma/dp/0141978619/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&crid=Y47I957IW0SD&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&sprefix=the+body+k%2Caps%2C151&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1624976828&sr=8-1

I have this book! I started it but I found it quite difficult to grasp, I think there was a chapter that was quite technical about the brain and I put it down. I keep hearing good things about it though,so I will definitely get it out again

Blissfullife ... the way you describe things really resonates with me, thank you for making me feel less alone and less...well...weird I guess. Some sound advice

I can find books difficult to read, best to go easy & at your own pace as can be triggering. There’s some good online resources that might be more easy to digest, I found this website helpful www.ptsduk.org/what-is-ptsd/symptoms-of-ptsd/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIg57Qk6G98QIVZrR3Ch1dNgZPEAAYASAAEgJZZfD_BwE

Any meditations on youtube that focus on trauma, cptsd, ptsd might be helpful for you, the 54321 method for waking up in distress is helping me, maybe it might be helpful for you?

Can't thank you enough, Funktion. Will check the link out. I'm reading How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole Lepera at the moment qhi h I'm finding very helpful with life in general. I find reading is essential to my healing and growth. I definitely want to try the body keeps the score again. It keeps popping up and being mentioned in a positive way. I may skip the chapter I was stuck on.

I think my ultimate goal is to change my reaction to being woken up. It honestly feels like the end of the world, I feel either incredibly angry or sad. I am desperate for this to change. I am also worried about not being able to sleep without my earplugs. I can't sleep with earplugs when I have a newborn...can I????

Completely understand @lolingallovertheworld I experience the same emotions as you when I wake all kinds of wrong, dying, end of the world etc. Apparently it’s the trauma & our traumatised inner child that’s waking us up that needs attention, acceptance, love, basically we need to parent/soothe our inner child as we never received good loving unconditional parenting as children. Try not to put pressure on yourself, take things easy, enjoy your pregnancy, I think life is going to get better for you & you’re going to be a bloody wonderful mother

Yes I read a bit about the inner child, and my therapist spoke about her too. About how I should invite her to sit next to me and instead of beating her up for being upset...offer her a hug. Find out about her. Be curious. Be kind.

I need to practice this. Thank you for reminding me.

A lot of what you say resonates. My sleep was really affected after a sexual assault. Sounds odd but I didn’t even click that sleeping with a knife under my pillow in the aftermath was out of the ordinary. It also left me with hyper vigilance- to this day, several years on I find it hard to sleep if there are people in the house that I’ve only met since the assault, as though my body can’t relax as it knows on some subliminal level people pre assault=can be trusted, people since cannot. It has been a help at times- I woke up to people calling outside the home to alert me to an emergency while others slept through. I also had to use sleep crutches like ear plugs and eye mask though that I no longer need them perhaps suggests that I’m more at peace.
Separately I know of a boy who experienced neglect and abuse who had sleep as a coping mechanism whereby his bed was a “safe place”. He responded to painful hospital procedures by checking out and going to sleep. All very sad but I find it fascinating from a neurological and psychological point of view.
I hope I’m not coming across all toxic positivity but maybe in some ways it can help, almost be a superpower as part of being mum- I think sometimes hearing baby so quickly meant I could comfort them before full on meltdown ensued!

Nefelibata86 - thank you for sharing. So sorry for what you've been through and I am so glad to hear you were able to drop the sleep crutches and find some peace. Also that you can put a positive spin on it is quite refreshing actually! Yes I think even through the earplugs I could hear a baby breathing you know

Yes to bed being a safe space when I was younger - I went there to become invisible and hide from the abuse. When I grew up it became something else, a place of abuse. I replaced sleeping with alcohol and drugs (which I have stopped now thankfully)

I woke at 4am for the loo and struggled to get back to sleep. I started drifting off at around 6ish and was woken by my husband shutting our bedroom door. He did it because our puppy woke up and he went down to take him for a walk and didn't want to wake me.

It did wake me and I have been a furious emotional mess since. Storming around and snapping at him and my son. Horrible, childish, unacceptable behaviour.

I've apologised to both of them now and my husband is being understanding and saying not to worry. But I do worry. I couldn't stop the anger. I've got back into bed and can't stop crying. I start work at 9 (I work from home) so need to pull myself together.

I am also beginning to regret getting a puppy. We've had him for 4 months and all was great until I found out I was pregnant. Now the smells make my sickness worse and the hassle and noise is getting too much. We were trying for a baby for 3 years and didn't think it'd happen...we get a puppy and a couple of months later I find I'm pregnant. My attitude towards the puppy has changed and I hate being like this. I want to enjoy the puppy again

Got a lot going on and not sure anyone will even read this but it feels good to type it all out