Really struggling with my mental health.

[SadRainbow]

Hello.

Long time lurker here. I did make a couple of posts under another user name a few years ago back when my daughter was a baby who refused to sleep, but I'm generally anxious about participating in online forums so I tend to avoid it.

I'm really struggling today so I thought I might as well post. I've had depression on and off most of my life. This past year has been particularly hard (for many of us!) and I'm just not coping. I'm on 150mg sertraline and I'm going to meet a new counsellor next week (counselling really helped me a few years ago). Today my mind is circling on thoughts of how pointless and meaningless everything is and how I'd be better off dead. I won't kill myself because I never want to hurt my daughter. I really hope she will enjoy her life much more than I am mine.

I turned 40 last year. I keep thinking about the future, about growing old and frail, that my daughter will witness that and maybe find it hard. Because I'm not spiritual or religious I think this life is all I have and I want to make the most of it but I struggle through every single day. I find being responsible for another human being especially hard. I wish I could enjoy her more but I just don't. I love her and think she's wonderful but that I'm really not up to being the mother she deserves.

I feel very alone with my struggles and yet I crave more time to myself. She starts school in September so I'm hanging onto that but I'm assuming I will still really struggle with everything. I'm sure I'd be miserable whatever my circumstances.

Thanks for reading.

It's really positive that you're going to see the counsellor. Sometimes when we're in a mental hole we really can't see our way out alone.

The more you think about your problems and worries, with the hope that you'll sort them out - the more you end up just magnifying the problem in your mind, confirming all those awful beliefs that make you feel so low.
I don't have any answers. You said it yourself, we've all had a really rough year & it has really taken its toll.

Your daughter needs you to be around for her - she certainly won't have a happier life if you're not around. I read the other day that we think that our children belong to us - but it's the other way round, we belong to them.

Soon she will be at school and you will start a new chapter. This painfully slow return to life as 'normal' isn't helping - but there is joy to be had in life.

So no amazing insights here - but I didn't want to leave your message unanswered. Your sadness is valid, but there is joy yet to be had.

Thank you BlackSwan for your kind post. Right now I'm just trying to get though each day until I see the new counsellor. Beyond that I don't know but that's about all I can manage right now.