ad's.... should i give them a go??

[lilsmum]

hi, dd is 9 mth old, after she was born the hv did that edingburgh scale on me i scored 11 (slight depression) enough for her to visit every 2 wks tho. she then did it again on me a few wks later and i lied on it because i didnt want the "stigma" of pnd and all my family said it was aload of rubbish... i believed them.

i have been down now for a few months to the point of i dont want to be bothered with people and dont really go out,(cry alot!!!) apart from my part time job which seems to have made me feel worse.
i finally plucked up the courage to see my g.p and told him i lied to hv... he sent her round again and i did the questionaire again i scored 18 this time, pretty bad they have advised me to go on ad's and see a counsellor, i dont feel this is all to do with my dd and pnd tho, i feel this goes much further back....

i had a abortion 2 yrs ago because i was physically abused by my x p, it was the hardest thing ever and had a mental breakdown,but refused ad's at that time i wanted to deal with this without interferance iykwim it was something i needed to do alone, i did it for the baby not myself before anyone attacks me for this there is no need, i have punished myself every day since and prob will continue to do so for the rest of my life
i was also sexually abused from the age of 7 to 10 by a close family member and have never been able to tell anyone and have had to look this person in the face every day since very difficult but didnt want to break my parents hearts with it, then again by another man at age 12.
i have always been a negative person but maybe i am now thinking that i have been depressed for a long time. i do think having my dd has brought so much of the pain of the abortion back (not that it ever really went,jus hidden) i felt and still feel i dont deserve dd who is such a wonderful happy baby, i have been blessed. i couldnt believe when she was born that she was healthy as i feel i should have been punished and still do. do you think i should give ad's a go?

sorry for rambling but needed to get this all off my chest

thanks for listening xxxx

please try them, dont get to the point when you feel at rock bottom, get some help early on and you may be fine

anyone around with some advice please??
xxxx

the short answer to your q - yes, it is well worth a go, as if you find one that suits you, you could be feeling loads better in a matter of a month or two. has your GP given you a prescription for anything. i would try and avoid cipralex (a few MNetters have had some bad side effects on starting it) and seroxat (can be difficult to come off).

now a longer answer to the rest of your post:- It sounds like you are carrying an awful lot of burdens in your life, and that seeing a good counsellor/psychotherapist in addition to taking ads would help you a lot. i think (correct me if i am wrong) from what you have said in previous posts that you had a fairly nasty experience with childbirth, and wonder if there might be PTSD type issues as well (possibly connected to your past as well as the birth). You say you feel you are a "negative" person; given the harsh blows life has dealt you so far, it would be phenomenally difficult for you to deal with these things "positively".

is there anyone in RL that you have been able to open up to like this about the abuse you have experienced in the past?

take care
x

cross posted with you, lilsmum!

have a similar history, motherhood brings up dreadful memories and experiences as we try to keep our little ones safe. speak to gp or ask hv to refer you to cpn.take care.
x

lilsmum, cumulatively over your life you have been through so much, its little wonder that you feel as you do at the moment. If your gp is offering medication in conjunction with counselling and you feel you need it, then those are good enough reasons to go ahead.

(((((hugs))))) to you.

thanks mrsmiawallace, i have read your posts and understand that you too are having a difficult time too, i hope things get better for you too. xxx

mummytosteven, yes you are right (good memory ) i did have a difficult birth lots of unanswered questions and i do feel slightly obsessed with what happened when dd was born.i am afraid of going on ad's tho i dont know why!!?? i should have been to see g.p this wk but have put it off, the things in my head are like a time bomb waiting to go off and maybe that is what i am afraid of, i have kept these things inside so long i truly believe the only thing keeping me going and smiling is dd she is the only good thing in my life, i am also in a relationship with dd's father in which i am not very happy (verbal and some physical abuse) but am too afraid to do anything about this just dont feel strong enough iykwim, he also has said if i dont like it leave if not tough put up with it.
i just dont know anything anymore

hi lilsmum.

what is your particular concern about ADs. have tried no less than 4(!) of the SSRis in my time, so think that is a reasonable range of experience lol. Have you ever been on them before?

What I find is that ADs work quite slowly; they shift life gradually from the unbearable to the bearable, almost imperceptibly at first. It's only a couple of months down the line that you notice you are feeling better. They can take up to 4 - 6 weeks for you to feel any noticeable improvement, and you can feel a bit more anxious the first week or so on them.

sorry to hear about your problems with your partner. hopefully once you have had the chance to take ads/have counselling you can get your mind straight about the future of your relationship.

have you had a chance to speak to a senior midwife/go thru your notes with anyone to try and find out why what happened did happen in labour?

lilsmum, go and see your gp. Don't put it off any longer. Talk through your concerns about taking the medication. A LOT of people feel reticent about it as you do (I know I did at first). It's so unhelpful too when the family around you say that pnd is "a load of rubbish". They are wrong, very wrong. Go and get the help you need.

i really dont kno what i am afraid of tbh, i have heard of bad side affects which doesnt really put my mind at ease.
it prob sounds stupid but i think it would scare me if i didnt feel like my self iykwim!! i did go to hosp 4 wk after dd born and went through my notes and what they had wrote down did add up to my and p's facts of how it was, and they seemed to fob me off so havent bothered since. think it just another thing to be "put away" in my head, like i need something else!!
thanks for replying xxx

forget to say... i have never been on ad's before xx

When we are feeling bad, it can make taking a new step extra difficult. We tend to see all the reasons NOT to do the new thing, rather than the reasons why we SHOULD do it. Try to put your fears aside. Anti-d's got me through the darkest time of my life. I didn't want to take them, but eventually knew I had to try and see if they would make a difference. They did. As MTS said, their effect is not instant, but they can be really really helpful.

If it helps, this is my experience with the side effects I have had on ads -

1)Lustral/Sertraline - felt too dopey/sleepy when they doubled the dose, no problem when back to original dose

2)Seroxat/Paxil - felt a bit dizzy if I took it late, skin on my face could occasionally be a bit tight funny.

3)Prozac/Fluoxetine(first time) - felt a bit agitated first few days, no problems after that

4)Prozac/Fluoxetine (second time) mildly upset tummy for a fortnight, weight loss at start, possible appetite increase and therefore weight gain now - might just be me pigging out tho

5)Citalopram/Celexa. Only took it for a week as then found out I was PG. Don't think I had any side effects - the slight nausea i had i think was most probably due to being 5 weeks PG (!)

I have never had any problems going off them, but you should taper your dose off gradually, rather than go cold turkey on them.

unfortunately as we are all different, everyone's body reacts differently to different meds so someone elses experienced could be completely different. Seroxat has got a bad press - it has a short half life, so leaves your body very quickly which causes problems with side effects - so I think would be one to avoid unless there is a good reason for doc to prescribe it over and above other ones. It is certainly the worst one of the 4 I have taken. similarly I have never taken Cipralex, but people I know that have taken it have felt really rough the first few weeks- so again possibly one to avoid unless doc has compelling evidence that it is the best one for you atm.

lilsmum, Seriously... it sounds like you need ,more than ad's. You need to consider your priorities here. You love your dd with all your heart, yes? Just as all mothers do. She needs her mum to be strong. And that means that you need to be strong for YOU aswel. With all the crap you've been through in your life you DESERVE to pay yourself the attention you need. And you deserve to seek and recieve tons of love and support. I really think you should go back to your GP. And tell the whole truth, just like you have here. Even about your partner. I separated from my son's dad, not because of physical abuse but definitly verbal. He was an ok dad it seemed, but usless as a partner. I was always feeling used, and desperatly uncared for. It was the hardest thing i ever did deciding to leave him. But i had to consider my SON, did i really want him to grow up in that kind of environment, let him believe that the behavior was ok? i couldn't. Now he is a better father and i have moved on to get married to a wonderful man who loves and respects me. I'm not saying that things are the same for you but you have been through a lot. This in itself says that you are probably stronger than you think. Please find the help you need, and that doesn't begin and end with ad's... for you and your dd.

Got to go to bed now, but will look in on your thread tomorrow.

Take care

night night xx

lilsmum

I know exactly where you're coming from with the hidden guilt thing, and how having a baby makes it all resurface. I had all those same feelings about not deserving my beautiful son. Here's a big hug and a message of hope. I've been through depression and come out the other side. ADs do provide some relief, but ask your GP about cognitive behaviour therapy. (See my message on thread about treatment other than medication.) This more than anything got me through.

One valuable lesson it taught me was to treat yourself the same way you would treat your best friend. That fact that you are punishing yourself shows that you are a sensitive and thoughtful person. You had a very hard decision to make. Would you forgive your friend in the same situation? I asked myself this and the answer was yes. You do deserve to be happy and enjoy your baby. Please do seek some help and be kind to yourself.

lilsmum, I would definitely give it a try. I went on Zoloft and started therapy after having ds. Actually, you and I posted about this on my "traumatised from birth" thread so I know some of what happened to you from that.

Also, I had an abortion many years ago and it took some time to deal with that. Therapy helped tremedously as I always knew that I had made the only decision that I could at the time, but yet still felt tremendous guilt about it. It can get better, believe me. I finally started to enjoy ds when he was around 10 or 11 months old and every day gets a little bit better.