spiralling downwards

[black31cat]

I was diagnosed with PND about 5 months ago, and was put on the waiting list to see a psychologist. I finally had an assessment appointment last week and since then i''ve just been spiralling downwards.
I'm "coping" on the face of things in that i get everything done and meet all my DS's needs but i just feel dead inside. I can cope with talking to friends on a superficial level but there are so many things i can't talk about or else i'd just lose it completely.
I've had a pretty stressful time in the last year - high risk pregnancy, traumatic birth, DS in SCBU, my mum had a breakdown just after my son was born and to top it all off my father had a heart attack when i was 35 weeks pregnant. I'm also on the waiting list for major surgery for a medical problem which was discovered just before i fell pregnant and i've been in and out of hospital since DS was born 9 months ago.
Also the psychologist asked about some things that happened in my childhood which i thought i was "over". I don't know if talking to her was a help or whether some things are best just left in the past.
I feel silly going to my GP because i'm there all the time with the medical problems and i think everyone at the surgery must be sick of me. I tried talking to my HV but she said i should talk to my friends about the situation, which i translated as meaning stop whinging.
I just feel totally overwhelmed. I hold it together when i'm with my DS but as soon as he has a nap i just cry. I don't feel i can talk to anyone in RL as the situation has been going on so long that everyone must be sick of me.

black31cat- hello darling. reading your post i think blimey What a Remarkable woman you have been through so much
*stressful pg
*scbu baby
*mum poorly
*Dad poorly
*you attend hospital

well, what a lot for one individual.Deep breath give yourself a pat on the back girl. PND is a debilitating disease which with correct AD is treatable.

you can overcome this, may not feel it now but you can do this. remember it took time to become low - it takes time to get well

keep talking- big hug

You've been through more stressful things in a year than most people deal with in ten and I think you are doing amazingly. I'm sure no one thinks you are whinging, they are probably wondering how they can best help you, especially if you are as you say "coping" outwardly. Would it help to have time with the psychologist just to be really honest about how you feel? It might relieve the pressure, even if it feels harder in the short term. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you, PND is treatable and you would have to be made of stone not to be affected by everything else you've described. Big big hug.

Thanks scottishmummy! I think part of my problem is i'm far too hard on myself. I beat myself up if the house isn't pristine, or just because i'm feeling so low and i feel like i should be able to cope. I'm not on AD's at the moment. I don't see how it would work because its not a brain chemical problem, just a horrible chain of events. Also i've watched my mum try repeatedly to come off ADs and every time she tries she's back to square one. As a result i'm very wary about them, but i'm starting to think i may need them.

Thanks scottishmummy! I think part of my problem is i'm far too hard on myself. I beat myself up if the house isn't pristine, or just because i'm feeling so low and i feel like i should be able to cope. I'm not on AD's at the moment. I don't see how it would work because its not a brain chemical problem, just a horrible chain of events. Also i've watched my mum try repeatedly to come off ADs and every time she tries she's back to square one. As a result i'm very wary about them, but i'm starting to think i may need them.

put that big stick down you are a bloody star i bet if i told you the same story you would be so empathic, kind and funny. so easy to beat yerself up BAD habit

remember you are
funny
smart
clever
kind
good mum
...who bashes herself unnecessarily

this is symptomatic of PND - and will pass
poor self esteem
poor self confidence
lack of esteem
poor self regard

"RCP link"

Quite right Scottishmummy. Also there is no reason to think that your experience of AD's should you choose to take them will be the same as your mum's. Different person, different circumstances, different medicine probably

we are all physiologically/socially wired individually - so AD experience for one person not necessarily same for another

PND is a psychosocial/physiological phenomena.

HUGS

Thanks. I think you're right about people not being sure how to help - i told a few friends that i was struggling and they were shocked. I didn't realise i'd hid it so well.
I think the hardes thing is admitting that i have a problem. I've grown up with my mum suffering serious depression and alternating between extreme apathy and extreme aggression, and i dread putting my DS through what i went through.
I've had one session with the psychologist for an assessment but i've now been put on a waiting list for psychotherapy and i don't know when it will happen. I have private insurance which would cover it but the problem is childcare. I'm working PT but my MIL is looking after my son, so i can't do anything until his nursery place becomes free in Feb.

Shreddies - we keep on x posting, I'm not ignoring you

Don't worry! didn't think you were My mum was depressed through most of my childhood too so I know what you mean. The difference is that you are aware of the possible impact on your ds, and that awareness will make all the difference. What support can you get between now and February? Have you got a good GP, or anyone in RL that you can be open with?

My GP is good but I've been there a lot recently and there is so much focus on trying to keep the medical stuff stable that the psychological side gets put on the back burner.

make a list, use it as a prompt. so you don't forget what you want to say. also avoidance is useful short term strategy, but not too long. GP is generalist clinical experience in many aspects of medicine, and often specialist interests too inc psychiatry/psychology. so let it all out

I've just read that site and it could have been written about me! It describes how i feel completely.

has some good links too.
catch you tomorrow. i gotta drag my sorry tired arse into the shower for and acquaint myself with a glass of wine

take care