Why can't I just enjoy life

[ChillYourBoots81]

Just looking for advice for ways forward or anyone who feels the same!
I'm a mum of 3 gorgeous children, have a husband who dotes on me and the children, have lots of groups of friends and a close family.
On paper all sounds rosy but I just spoil it but my constant stress, worry and over thinking and analysing of every little thing!
Examples are;

• Now we are able to socialise more I spend the whole time thinking I'm boring, people would rather I wasn't there, I've said something stupid.
• I am very close to my family and have 2 sisters. When we're together I think my sisters get on better with each other than me, I'm my parents least favourite etc. I even extend this to my husband thinking noone likes him as an extension of them not liking me!
• we've recently moved and our eldest moved schools. I dread the school run for fear of talking to someone. If I do speak to anyone I over analyse what I've said and worry that I've said something stupid or even offended them.
• I feel like I don't have an opinion/personality anymore as I just constantly want to people please. My anxiety literally takes over my whole day, I sometimes can't focus on conversations as I'm thinking did I say this wrong, do they even want to talk to me etc

Basically I just have so little self esteem and am spoiling what could be a lovely life and worry about the impact of my insecurities on my children.
I was prescribed antidepressants a few years ago but didn't take them and I'm reluctant to go down that route now due to breastfeeding. I've done CBT but didn't feel I got much out of it.
Any advice, strategies or help anyone could offer would be fantastic if you've managed to read this far!
Thanks

Hi, I can sympathise with the feeling of not being good enough, ever, regardless of the situation. However, I have managed to feel happier with my lot in life when it comes to my little family, job and general life.

I haven't had any professional help or meds. Instead, I have made a point of trying to stop intrusive thoughts when I feel them taking over. I try to block them out. I focus on something else around me or maybe think about my shopping list. It gets easier to do this as time goes on, your brain almost takes over for you.

I also find that imaginging a worse situation helps. I might be on the dreaded school run where I have to smile and make small talk with people so I don't stick out. But in my head I'm thinking that at least I can do the school run instead of being terminally ill in hospital. Morbid, I know, but it's all about keeping my anxiety balanced to a certain degree. For me that means imaging something even worse and feeling glad that it's not actually that bad for me.

I'm still mostly a social wreck though (although I mask it well). I do avoid situations that stress me out if they aren't hugely important (eg a work do). I used to beat myself up about avoiding certain situations but have accepted that I'm simply happier that way. And that's ok.

We're all different. Learning to accept that without seeing ourselves as a failure is huge. I hope you get there too. x

Hi @AngelSings. Thank you so much for your reply, it has really resonated with me and I will definitely try your ways of avoiding anxiety.
I really struggle to block out negative thoughts but will try and push them out with other things. Like you I am very good at masking my anxiety and think some people would be surprised this I'd how I really feel.
I know life could be much worse and this is what I need to keep in mind.
As u say i do need to accept that I'm ok as am!
Thank you, I hope you are coping well with your anxiety too xx

Here's a couple of links that will help you understand what you're doing;

glassempty.wordpress.com/2014/07/09/15-common-cognitive-distortions/
www.resilient-mindset.com/2012/10/22/negative-automatic-thought/

As a matter of interest, why do you think CBT didn't work for you?

School gates? I got a dog so I didn't have to mix with the "pushchair mafia".
CBT? My son summed that up nicely "so you are feeling sad? Why not try not feeling sad" (disclaimer: I did CBT years ago and actually found it useful... just not a cure all but his experience did make me smile)
To try offer help and support: you are not alone. A lot of what you say echos strongly with myself... we just can't find others like us as we hide it so well. I also think no one really wants to be around me when I'm needy... so I fake it to get by but then I'm left with friends for who I pretend I am rather than the me I'm hiding/ashamed of.

As I speed through my 40s I actually think I'm in the autistic spectrum and I try forgive myself more for not fitting in. It still doesn't help when I'm constantly feeling I'm on the outside looking it all the time. I want to join in.... and in equal measure I SO don't! X

Thank you @Sarahlou63 for the links I'm not sure about CBT, my husband said he thought I'd improved a bit with self esteem when I was having it so it's maybe me just being negative again!
But it was 4 years ago now so can't really remember the techniques etc.

Dog is a good solution @DaesieMay but we have to take the children to their doors and have a 4yo starting school in sept so can't leave her at the gates. Your sons description of CBT made me smile- wish it was as easy as that. Thanks for the support, it's much appreciated.

Feeling more positive this morning just having kindness from strangers so thank you all x

Quite understand if you don't want to jump into CBT again (and, TBH, you probably don't need to). When you find yourself overthinking or stressing, try completing a thought record - initially printing a few out and filling them in, but after a while you can do it mentally.

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ThoughtRecordSheet7.pdf

@ChillYourBoots81what you say is entirely normal, but here's the really good news: you get to decide what and how you think about yourself. If you think you're boring, you're probably not going to feel great. So why not choose to think you're interesting and that you have great things to contribute?

(Anyone can and will think whatever they like about you anyway, irrespective of what you do.)

When you make someone else responsible for how you feel, you’re giving your power away. When you own your responsibility, you step into your power.