In my early twenties I took Lexapro for a few years after a bad bout of anxiety and panic attacks. It was honestly life changing and I felt normal for the first time in my life. My self esteem issues vanished and I was able to complete some study and make new friends. I had always struggled with feeling inferior and out of place before then, even though I had a lot going for me.
I came off the meds when I was 25, mostly because I had forgotten how rubbish life was without them and because of the sexual side effects (I met my DH during this time). I have never really regained my libido though.
I think I have long standing depression. Sometimes it is too hard to shower, do basic housework and I have very negative, repetitive thoughts about how I have ruined my life (relationships, career etc). But my mood can sometimes be great so I become confused about the right course of action and never end up seeking help. I know that my life is actually good and I should be happy.
I had a baby last year and this has strangely had a positive effect on my mental health so far. Overall I am more motivated and happy. Even with the sleep deprivation I don’t have as many difficult days now she is in my life. But I still feel quite depressed and distressed at times.
Without going into it, I had a difficult childhood with some trauma. My mum was not at all emotionally engaged with me and we have a strange and unsupportive relationship. I feel like I am mothering whilst motherless. I think that my own mother probably had long standing depression and anxiety and this negatively impacted on her ability to parent me. I am scared to continue this pattern.
I called my GP back after receiving a reminder for a routine baby appointment next week. In a moment of courage I asked for a long appointment for myself. I don’t know what I’m asking for really. I’m not sure whether I want to go back on medication, especially while breastfeeding, but I am skeptical of more talking therapy. I feel like I have some insight (thanks to previous CBT) but I really crave the feeling of normality and stability that medication gave me. I know it would be so helpful when I go back to work and try to advance my career as well.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is there some sort of therapy I haven’t heard of that might help me? Is medication just a band aid or an unhealthy coping mechanism? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I’m driving myself mad going over this again and again in my head.