Struggling

[wsa2]

Hi, I'm struggling in life right now. I've always struggled with confidence and I've always known that I want to do something more worthwhile with my life. I'm married with a 2 year old and we have a lovely home. I quit my job earlier this year in IT for many reasons. My husband is a paramedic and especially during the pandemic I've felt so worthless to the outside world. I worked with a life coach last year (that cost a lot) and got absolutely no where. My confidence in all aspects of my life has just plummeted and I'm just not happy.
My dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour last year and he's now under palliative care. It upsets me every day to see him practically bed bound. My sister now lives with my mum and dad so cares for my dad, my brother and nephew live round the corner so are able to care for him too. I feel utterly useless as I just don't know how to help him. I offered to make his lunch once but apparently cut his bread wrong and my sister just made a joke of it and laughed at me. I know she's not doing it on purpose but it made me feel that I was just a nuisance. Life is so much better when it's just me and my boy but lonely. Im so worried about what to do with my life as I just don't feel like I can do anything and know one things im good at anything. I think I'd like to work with young children but then Ive been told by a few people that I wouldn't be a good teacher. I feel that every one talks down to me even in a joking way and all I hear is how amazing everyone else is. My sister even tells me how to parent my own child (she doesn't have children) like im unable to. Part of me feels like running away and starting life again with my boy but I know I'd feel guilty about not spending time with my dad during his last days.

That sounds so tough. I lost my dad a few years ago, unexpectedly, so know how tough that is. I guess your sister is probably also very sad and stressed so maybe a bit tactless. Is she an older sister? Sounds like maybe you've internalised some of her comments or habit of putting you down (deliberately or not).

Try to remember that reflects her and her issues, not you or your competence. There's no such thing as cutting bread wrong!

What matters now and will matter in the long term is that you get to spend time with your dad while you can. It may be that it matters to your sister that she's in charge of his day to day care, as she's living with him, but it doesn't mean you can't go with or without your little boy and spend time with your dad, talking to him. It's what he will want and what you will want, looking back. It might not be easy, as seeing one you love so much so ill isn't easy. But at least it sounds like he is being well cared for and loved.

Being a mum to a little one is itself an incredibly important and exhausting job, and you're also focused on your dad right now. There's plenty of time to worry about longer term career directions, so don't stress about that now. Sure there's lots of things you'd be brilliant at doing, but you don't have to decide that right now - there's only so much you can deal with at once.

Be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, that’s a huge thing to deal with and no wonder you’re feeling helpless. A diagnosis as serious as your dads can completely unstable your world. It came from no where, you can’t change it and things will never be the same again I’d hard to deal with.
It also sounds as if you’re pretty depressed and depression eats away at your confidence and self esteem. Small, careless remarks such as not cutting the bread right somehow become bigger than they should be. Equally thinking about working with children and others telling you you wouldn’t be a good teacher, how would they know? If it’s something you’re interested in and feel excited about you shouldn’t let others put you off.
Have you thought about counselling or have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel? It may help you get on top of things and help you cope with your dads illness.

Thank you both for the advice and kindness. You've made me feel so much better about my decision to quit my job and that the situation with my dad incredibly tough. I'm definitely going to try to just enjoy small moments for now and not worry about the future too much. As for my confidence and self esteem and I know I really need to work on this for my little boy and be the best mum I can.
I'm really considering seeing a councillor especially as the next few months are going to be even more difficult.
I know the rest of my family are finding things tough too so I need to remember that. I'm the baby of the family and I feel that that will always be my position. We're not great at talking but I know that talking is so incredibly important. Thank you again