Dont know what's wrong with me

[Mess1121]

All my life i have felt different. I have always been very quiet with a big "inner world". I have always felt that when people talk I am like in another frequency than anyone else. Like i dont fully get it. It takes me a few minutes to get the subtleties of it all. I am also terrible at expressing myself. i completed a degree and a master with good marks, however if you heard me explaining something at work (AHP in the NHS) i feel like i just say everything that comes to mind without an order, or explaining first something that will make people understand the rest. This even happens in my personal life. I forget words sometimes or say a wrong one. Its not related to being nervous- i am not is related to the complexity of the conversation and my brain not knowing how to pass information across.

I have a violent father when growing up who basically shout/hit at me if i annoyed him so i dont know if the way i am is because i was born like this or because my parents never really encouraged situations for me to develop my communication skills and self-confidence. Oh yes, assertiveness was punished in my family so i lack this at 38 years of age.
I had depression since i was 8 years old. Nobody recognised this in my family and i moved out of my house at 18. I never believed in antidepressants (how can they change the lack of opportunities i had or the negative voices in my head, or my pessimistic outlook). I started on sertraline with no hope (i did it for my daughter) and i can believe myself how much has improved my mood. Its hard to describe but i am less unreasonable with life and myself, i dont get as fixated/angry at my defects/pasts/things i cannot change.

Nevertheless communication problems are still an issue. i never had many friends and i now accept it. when younger i wanted to be normal and have plenty of friends, etc. Its very difficult for me to concentrate in tasks, or understand complex instructions verbally (give them to me in writing!). I can be absent minded obsessing with random things.
I am also annoyed that despite interview 1:1 training i keep failing more senior band interviews, and this is down to me not being structured in my answers and having poor communication skills. it's like i have the experience and knowledge but something doesn't click in my brain.
and why do you want a more senior role you wander? Well, money is not great in my band but i now feel embarrassed of some of my previous students get promotions at 24 while i am still here. In fairness they express themselves greatly and probably can engage better with other people than me.

The question is... can this communication/understanding of people be improved? is it normal or do i have some disorder i dont know about?

PS: i dont have dyslexia. sometimes i wonder if i have some learning difficulty.

sorry you feeling like this and i hope everything improves for you .

have you ever talked to your gp about this problem? if not it might be a good idea.

Have you been assessed for ASD or ADHD? If you are neurodiverse and have a diagnosis the company will need to make 'reasonable adjustments' for you under the equality act. Maybe that could include you submitting something in writing as part of your interview process.

Some therapy is probably a good idea. Things like negative thinking patterns, pessimism etc can be helped with CBT. The (negative, parental?) voice in your head that puts you down can be helped with therapy. Maybe you have 'imposter syndrome' which I'm not sure is a proper medical diagnosis but it's common, I expect therapy could also help with things like that. Maybe you need to lay the childhood trauma to rest too?

You have a job so do you get staff appraisal? Do they ask about what you want to achieve or training you feel you need? If they don't I'd mention it anyway, at worst they can only say No. I'd ask for training courses for assertiveness, communication skills and anything like that which perfectly healthy people might need and which will benefit the company you work for if you improve your skills in these areas, as well as it benefitting your own future prospects.

Life isn't only one thing ie your job the lots of things. So if something isn't going well in one area ensure you're spending some time on the other areas, so it doesn't feel so much as though everything is going wrong. It will help your confidence if you can see how some areas of your life are going well at this moment.

You're on medication for depression, have you spoken to a doctor about if the dose needs to be increased or if its possible that some of what you're experiencing are side effects?

Mainly from your post I think it sounds like you need more ways of coping other than just antidepressants. Whether you have a separate medical condition in addition to the depression, I can't say. But I think you need more help, more skills, more coping strategies. It might not be a medical condition, it might just be the effects of growing up with an abusive alcoholic, that situation would mess anyone up to some extent.

Good luck finding a way through, OP.

great advice AmberIsACertainty.

Thank you very much for the great advice. I definitely have some traits of ASD and ADHD, but will a GP take this seriously?
I have tried CBT years ago, i just couldn't follow through. i dont know why, i need someone to be prompting me to know what to say in the CBT exercises.
i will try to do this in my next appraisal. I have felt very embarrassed to say this in the past but i have nothing to lose i suppose.

In a way, i know i am not a big career person, but i was raised to believe that be hardworking and having money is the most important thing. I know my child is the most important thing for me know however i struggle to get things done and i get stressed if there is more than one thing to be done on the day (or they have to be done in a specific way or order, i get paralysed). In a way i think that if i was on a higher salary i could afford to go part-time which it doesn't make sense i know. i would probably have a mental breakdown after a week due to having to solve 3 problems on the same day and feeling completely inadequate for the job and the others realising i am a mess.
i need to take the big step and ring my gp, i just feel that my problems are not important enough as i am not so depressed now as i was in the past..

just very quickly as I'm about to have a meeting but there is something about your violent father and being subjected to violence for...well...just being yourself. Something about dissociation has come to mind. This also happened to me and I am working through it in group therapy. I will come back to you x

have tried CBT years ago, i just couldn't follow through. i dont know why, i need someone to be prompting me to know what to say in the CBT exercises.

Then you need more CBT or with a better therapist (some people delivering CBT aren't highly skilled) or else it's the wrong therapy for you.

Basically the end result should be that you're able to use the CBT skills by yourself. You're supposed to be learning what negative thought patterns are, in general. As well as learning which particular thought patterns you personally are experiencing. And learning how to recognise them in yourself, challenge the thoughts so you you can get to the heart of the matter - what's reality (and needs dealing with) and what's just thoughts (which can be ignored and dismissed because they're not real).

eg if you're prone to catastrophising:

"I've cut my hand" necessatating some Dettol and a plaster,

versus

"OMG I'm bleeding to death" when you're not.

If you work out the situation is the former then you know you can stop panicking because you're not going to die, you don't need an ambulance and you don't need to be planning the funeral. You can say it's just thoughts, it's not real and try to move on from the situation, instead of sitting around paralysed by fear and panicking.

Regards the appraisal don't be embarrassed to ask for training. Employers like it when staff are aware of their weaknesses and working to improve themselves.